Wednesday, August 15, 2007

You sunk my Scrabble-ship!

All right, time to tear into another Box Office lobster. Gotta do it now or I'll never get it done, but where's the lemon juice and melted butter? But wait, before we get into that, let's take an ever so bittersweet look back at the films that totally dropped off the list from last week...

Transformers... Transformers! That's it, Shia's out of Indiana Jones 4... Is TF still even playing? Haven't seen it yet. Of course, who's got 2 1/2 hours to spare these days...

Hot Rod... Say hello to Finesse for me, Samberg. There's only room for one Adam in the top 10.

Bratz: The movie... You know what, guys, totally talk to the hand.

Who's Your Caddy? You're my caddy now, b'atch!

I Know who Killed Me, I'm going to miss you most of all. Now technically this dropped off the list the week before last, but I still can't believe how badly it did. Guess your fan base isn't ready for the drama yet, Lohan. Better just stick with a safe bet this next go round like Love Bug 2 or Mean Girls 2 or whatever the hell your people think will be a surefire hit. Why not just make a Paris Hilton-esque internet video while you're at it? That'll sell, right? Just ask Screech!

Okay, enough of the stench of the miserable past, and on to the glorious present, starting with Daddy Day Camp at #10, aka Daddy Day Care 2. But the real story here is child actor turned director Fred Savage! That's right, the Wonder Years kid. Hmm, I just may have to profile him in Auteur Watch, but since he's done so much TV work it'll have to be Hollywood Auteur Watch. Beware, Fred, don't hang out at the table that Rod Dainel's sitting at when the DGA convenes... wherever they convene. Somewhere far away from the makeup trailers, I suppose.

No Reservations at #9. I'd go to see it, but I'm on a diet.

Number 8 brings us Harry Potter 5. I've heard it's the best one yet. Probably because that little bastard Dobby didn't get to ruin it. Now, it's made about 100 million more than Adam Sandler's movie, but it's still one position behind it in the top 10! How cruel is that?
#7 gives us Chuck and Larry. What about that one dude that looks like Tom DeLay? Wait, that was really him? Wow!
#6 is Underdog, directed by Fredrik DuChau, an underdog in his own right. How sad when an animator, computer or non, gets left behind in this neo-gilded age of hollywood. Oh, why can't I be the next Don Bluth or David Silverman or Brett Leonard... no, wait... scratch that last one. And of course, a brief shout-out to Adam Rifkin, still getting work despite the fact it's not the late 90s and he's no longer the king of DreamWorks screenwriters.


And now the better half. At #5 it's Hairspray, still making more money than the 1988 original. I hope John Waters got a piece of this, or did he get more screwed than Emo Philips and Greg Glienna?

At #4 it's the better half of Michelle Pfeiffer's comeback, making only a tenth of Hairspray's current haul, and it's Stardust. Oh, Ian McKellen only narrates it? How good can it be then? I'll tell you how good. Michelle Pfeiffer admiring her naked ass in a mirror good! Like Into the Night, but with heart. Li'l bit, right, De Niro?

At #3 it's The Simpsons Movie, currently a distant second behind Harry Potter in terms of cumulative box-office take with that giant money rake. And now there seems to be a concerted effort to keep this out of the IMDb Top 250. How does that work? I don't know, but the software geniuses at IMDb should make it so that when you click that link, it'll take you right to that point in the list where the movie is. Instead, I gotta do a text search with my hands like some kind of chump! Yep, there it is, right between Bonnie and Clyde and Before Sunset, but I guess it won't even be there for long. Damn you, Before Sunset! Wait for the threequel: Just After Mid-Day, or maybe they'll go to Alaska and call it Six-Month Sunset, you know.... never mind.

At #2 it's Bourne part 3, yeah yeah yeah. But at #1 it's another third! Rush Hour the Third! Maybe now Brett Ratner will get a little respect! ...maybe not. Sorry, Brett, you gotta take a page from the book of Spielberg if you want respect. It's time to take that book you've had optioned and been waiting to do and adapt it into Oscar bait, blatant or not. And as for you, Chris Tucker, maybe it's time to become a director your own damn self! Me myself, I wouldn't want to wait around six years for work while my best director friend ruins the Hannibal franchise and probably the X-Men franchise. I just can't keep track on all these superhero movies.

Well, that's it for this week's Report. Back to diagnosing my latest computer problem. There's some kind of file, I'll call it a 'balloon file', because my hard drive memory keeps slowly shrinking, at varying speeds, about 1MB every 5 minutes or so. I got it all back once, but not so lucky this time. Hmm. Guess certain DVDs don't want to be copied. I hope someone made a pretty penny off that one. Damn you, China!

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