Sunday, August 19, 2007

Yumpin' Yiminy!

Ladies and gentlemen, guest reviewer Jiminy Glick.

(Transcript) Ho, ho, it's wonderful! I'm Jiminy Glick and I'm... in Gitmo, or someplace! Just in this bare room with white walls and computer equipment everywhere, a proverbial Nerditorium from the Book of Dorks chapter 5:12, it says here. Oh, wonderful! Bruce Vilanch will be seeing a big payday for that one. All I know is I didn't work hard my whole life to be a famous celebrity and end up in a room like this. So let's see! Movies, movies, movies. I haven't really seen anything lately that I really liked. I stopped going to movies because Doris Day hasn't made a movie in years. What happened to her anyway? But I did hear of The Good German. Oooh, wonderful title. The Good German! Sort of a Casablanca remake but with the F-word. Oh it's just two hours of F-this, F-that, F, F, F, F, F! I'm just still confused by that title! The Good German, as if there were ever any bad Germans! It must be another Mel Brooks picture. Oh, it's just time for Mel to beat up the Nazis again. Get over it, already!

Speaking of getting over it already, the wonderful Jim Carrey is back again with The Number 23. Well, persistence must be his middle name. Someone should've taken him aside and said "It's okay. You'll get an honorary Oscar in about 40 years." Or, Tom Shadyac will just give you one of his. But God bless him, he keeps trying! I just still can't believe how Blockbuster poo'd the screwch on this one. Seriously! I mean, I saw this wonderful poster that said "The Number 23 coming to video on 7/24." Am I the only one to see the irony there? Hello?!

And speaking of Jim Carrey, I noticed his ex is keeping busy. The wonderful Renee Schwarzenegger is in Harry Potter... Stacy! What the dickens is wrong with these notes? Forgive me, it's called Miss Potter, and it's just now finally Muggle free and ready for the public library market. Oh, it's wonderful. It's like you go to the public library to check out a movie, and you have to tell your kids "Oh, Harry Potter's checked out. But they've got Miss Potter! That's just as good!" Yes, for a change a couple breaks up BEFORE one of them gets the Oscar, and now Carrey did the brave thing. He went on eHarmony and found out that Jenny McCarthy is out of rehab, available, and as it turns out is actually his exact opposite. Oh, it's a match made in Heaven, or as it's known in the biz, James Dobson's backyard. So in summation, another classic movie.

And speaking of another classic movie, there's Captivity, which I'm told is Calista Flockhart's greatest role ever, but why can't she be more like the girl next door? I know the director well, Sir Roland Joffe, and it's kind of brave and new how things change, or go in a circle, one of the two. Why it seems like only yesterday, about 25 years ago, when he did The Killing Fields. And now we have Captivity, and he's obviously come around to see that a little torture can be a good thing! Makes you think. Do I smell another Oscar?

You know, sometimes I reflect on how certain people don't get recognized for the geniuses they are. In this case, however, it's how people who live in the shadow of famous people. I mean, Summer Phoenix has played two title characters, Esther Kahn and Susie Gold. She has TWO movies named after her! What more do people want? Oh, people would just rather see Casey Affleck in Drowning Mona. I don't think so!

Well, it's been wonderful. Oh, I love technology. Technology and computers. They may not make you live longer, but after hanging ten on the web all night and you see the sun coming up the next morning, you begin to wonder if it's such a good idea, and hopefully you won't have to meet any of these web kook-pots when you do get to Heaven. You'll at the very least have more eyestrain than you did! That's a good thing, right? Oh wait! I almost forgot. Now normally I don't watch documentaries, I just think they're really all made up, and probably ghost written by some blacklisted screen writer like the wonderful Dalton Trumbo or Elia Kazan. Just pay the money and get taken off the list like a good Capitalist! What is the big deal? But I did see this movie called Jiminy Glick in La La Wood! Oh, I just love it when the movie's about me! Well, I saw it on video. My wonderful wife Dixie gave it to me as a Christmas present. And we all sat down and watched it, me and Dixie and our four strapping boys, Morgan, Mason, Matthew and Modine. I mean, I fell asleep about halfway through it, but what I remember seeing I loved. It was wonderful. I didn't like the guy who played me, though. I would've done it differently, and tried to be more professional, but you know, these actor guilds are very powerful and secretive. The director must've been weak-willed and let people just walk off with Kliegl lights and sell them on eBay, and forget to turn them off and just singe their hands! Oh hoh, what fun. I cracked myself up on that one! But you know what? I think I'll watch this Jiminy movie again at some point, maybe let it sit for a couple months and then see it again fresh. I just wonder what David Lynch was doing there? They must've left the bar open, or maybe he was friends with the director, who knows. Anyway, this is Jiminy Glick signing off, to all our ships at sea, and to all our fighting contractors out there. Let's really try to get Saddam this time! America hates a wimp. Over and out! ....okay is that it? Dixie! I need you, Dixie! Let's go to Spago's and get some spaghetti. Ha ha hah!!!

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