Saturday, July 26, 2008

Holy Inflation-Adjusted Credit Derivatives, Batman!

Aw, man! That's what I get for procrastinating. Wasn't anti-procrastinating enough. Well, I sure can't let the biggest weekend in Hollywood history pass me by without commenting on it. But let's build the tension slowly by starting with Kung Fu Panda at #10, karate chopping Meet Dave down to #13 or lower. I don't read Variety slavishly so who knows how low that one dropped to. Coming at #9 it's Get Smart, yeah yeah yeah. Is The Nude Bomb any good? Maybe that'll be the sequel.
Meanwhile the Russian mafia's still boffo with Wanted at #8, Morgan Freeman's favorite movie of 2008, personally. Not that he didn't have fun with The Dark Knight or anything. It's just that, why should he have to work for scale? You'll feel like you got scooped up into a sports car too!
And rounding out the bottom 10 it's the other two nominees for Best Animated Picture 2008, Wall-E and Space Chimps. It's going to be a tough year, but I think Wall-E will emerge triumphant, for not only is there big merchandising behind this, but a big budget for big splashy "For your consideration" ads in Variety.
And on to the top five, finally. The first casualty of the superhero bubble is Hellboy 2 with an anemic 10 million in the bank this week! Maybe they can submit a dubbed version in Spanish to qualify for the Best Foreign Film Oscar. Good plan, eh?
At #4 it's JCE to all the hipsters, but for those of you who aren't in the know, like me, it's Journey to the Center of the Earth. Or, the latest non-Jurassic Park flick to use one of them big ol' CGI dinosaurs. Kewl! But for sheer brontosauri, you gotta go with the director's cut of 2005 King Kong. Man, there must be about a million of 'em what get piled up. Fire up the grill!
Rounding out the top 3 it's Hancock, and some publication, not even Variety, mentioned that this is the latest Will Smith to make more than 200 million. Apparently this is his fifth in a row, or eighth. Man, what's a brother gotta do to get some respect around here?
At #2 it's Mamma Mia. It's sort of a family picture. Not quite like that Hairspray. Now THAT was a good family picture, and a musical to boot. Well, one of these days the Oscar committee will make a new category for Best Musical. The market will be that clogged with 'em I tells ya! Oh it'll be glorious, just like Bollywood.
And finally at #1, it's another reboot, this time of Tim Burton's 1989 Batman, which incidentally ALSO featured Harvey Dent, but in a more diminished capacity, and what's that all about anyway? Yes, it's the indie film sensation of the year, Batman Begins 2: The Dark Knight. With its cast of unknowns and shaky-black and white super 8mm cinematography, it's the biggest Hollywood Cinderella story of the ... oh, wait, I'm confusing it with The Blair Witch Project. I hate when that happens. Well, what can be said that hasn't already been beaten to death about this thing? Did you know that Christian Bale beat up his mum this week? Couldn't of picked worse timing! But I don't think this is going to hurt the movie's box office take that much. But make no mistake about it, we're all living in Harsh Times. Still, ya gotta be impressed, folks. It'll be a while before we see a film like this beloved by critics, and people waiting in line to see, even at 9 in the morning! Why, this is the biggest opening of a film since ... Spider Man 3? But that was terrible! I gotta go.

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