Thursday, July 31, 2008

Congrats, Batman. You've just earned a round of sarcastic applause.

Oh, I know the TWX stockholders are beaming about this one. Oh, gone are the days when they were raking in even more money from the whole Harry Potter v. Lord of the Rings East Coast-West Coast division, but it's gonna be a good summah ne'theless. As soon as this damn rain stops!
Yeah, but it's not all good news, is it? Did you hear the latest about Amy Winehouse? Did you know she's a soul singer? I didn't even know that! I know I'm getting old when you got pop stars like Jessica Simpson and Amy Winehouse and you've never even heard their songs. And you know you're getting old when you listen to Miley Cyrus and think, you know? She DOES rock! Forget Clapton and this whole Led Zeppelin crap, Miley Cyrus rocks. Well, I hope Ms. Winehouse's latest stay at the hospital goes better than her boyfriend's latest stay in the pokey. Fingers crossed, honey child.
All right, enough monkeying around. I'm going to work from my Excel file on this one in tallying up this week's box office. And at #10 it's Wanted. Toil and tears indeed! Oh, it's all so unreal. But before we do like the bullet and say goodbye for good, after crunching the numbers I find that this one has the fourth highest take of the ten, with 129 million in a Russian bank. Or should I say, it's the #1 biggest total for an R-rated movie. That is, if you don't count The Dark Knight; that seemed a little R-rated to me. Was it just me? Okay, James McAvoy, now that Wanted has taken all it can from the box office, it's back to being an insignificant nobody for you, just like your character in the movie.
Cuz it's time to move on to #9, and it's Space Chimps. And did I mention already that it's a shoe-in for being the Best Animated Feature nominee that doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning? I mean, Wall-E's the shoe-in, Kung Fu Panda is the close second, and ... yeah. Unless Jimmy Neutron's got another animated feature coming out. Well, S.C., will you last another week or not? I'm thinking not.
As for #8, it's Hellboy 2, and it's the #1 Mike Mignola comic book-based action flick on the top 10 this week. With just an anemic 66.1 million total in the bank? PATHETIC! And I thought the economy was strong and getting stronger, my friends. Shows you what I know. Some economist I've turned out to be. Might have to relinquish my Nobel Prize for Economics / Movie Reviewing after all.
Coming in at #7 it's Wall-E and it's the #1 animated pic on the top 10 this week. I think it's Pixar's most expensive venture to date. Welp, here's hoping it did well overseas, because it just barely recouped its catering budget with 195 million in the bank. Awful lot of 180 million dollar blockbusters out there this year! I remember the good ol' days when these people who worked on movies didn't get cost of living increases, and every movie cost 30 million dollars to make. But it was a different time, you know. There was a youth bubble, and people back then had more fun. Must of been all the illegal drugs. Yeah, that must of been it.
At #6, it's Hancock, and it's the #1 historical biopic about the founding fathers this week at the box office. Good, these things aren't just consigned to HBO miniseries territory or something.
Awright, just cleared the halfway point. And with it we come to JCE: Journey to the Center of the Earth coming in at #5, and it's the #1 kitschy adventure movie for kids. I didn't know dinosaurs AND asteroids lived in the center of the earth! I thought it was all magma! Of course, some say it's a black hole, or a portal to another dimension that keeps our ol' Earth spinning so fast. Well, all that astronomical brainiac stuff makes my head spin way too fast. And besides, I don't want my nose getting lopped off like ol' Tycho Brahe. Oh, don't get me started. Vinny Vincent! Why did you lop the ol' ear off, babe? Run out of brushes?
Where was I? Oh yeah, at #4 it's That 70s X-Files Sequel, and it's the #1 movie based on a cancelled Fox TV drama this week with an anemic 10 million in the bank. PATHETIC!!!!! Oh, how I miss my different font sizes. See, it's cuz they think this blog is done automatically so they had to take away some of my features and tinkertoys. Making hyperlinks has always been a chore for me, but now it's even more so. Well, it's not that bad, I guess. I'm just grousing and complaining about the way things used to be again. Let me retype that: I'm just grousing and complaining AGAIN about the way things used to be. Yeah, that's more like it. Meantime, let's do better, X-Files, okay? Don't want you to be a one-weeker like Meet Dave, all right?
Moving briskly along to #3, it's Mamma Mia! The #1 musical this week. And moving even more briskly along to #2, it's the #1 comedy at the box office this week, and it's Step Brothers! Just like the industry insiders predicted, this didn't stand a chance against the bat. But it's still doing better than Ferrell's last pic, Semi-Pro. But both are a bold move into R-rated territory, where even Sandler fears to tread. And for good reason! I know, that was a low blow, right? But once again I digress. Congrats, Ferrell, and I'm already looking forward to your next McKay collaboration due in 2010, and of course the other five pictures you'll do in between. Will at least two of them have something to do with the 70s? Will one of them feature you with an afro? I'm hoping a big double-yes!
And #1, Batman, two weeks in a row, shattering box office records, blah blah blah, yawn yawn. Heard it all before. I gotta go.

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