Okay, Wilonsky! It's go time, you bald bastard.
While we're waiting for the release of Final Fantasy LXXIV on Playstation 3, I'm going through my old papers, you know, and I had this written down on a piece of paper from, geez, about 17 years ago? I'm not going to go so far as to carbon date it, but I think even the average movie goer can figure out what this is a list of.
Scare, relaxes, then attack
Killer's gotta talk first
Hidden Product Placement
Hero falls before winning
Check the Back Seat!
And the list goes on... Time for short reviews.
Burn After Reading - Only 41 days to go...
Bell Jar, The (2008) - the REAL Devil Wears prada.
The Beast (of War) - Erick Avari's one serious dramatic role. Take heed, Badreya!
Lost Boys: The Tribe - All right! Frog and Emerson are back, baby!
From Ten to Midnight - Sounds like it makes The Evil that Men Do look like a classic.
Atlas Shrugged - Somehow I think Alisa Rosenbaum... I mean, Ayn Rand fans will be disappointed with this subjective, noumenal version.
Christmas with the Kranks - I can't bear to watch the whole thing, but this much I know: when Tim Allen is the lonely, alienated guy looking in the house window at the party going on, something's wrong. Something's definitely very wrong. With all of us.
Fearless Frank - Well, we all gotta start somewhere.
Mamma Mia! the movie - Well, I guess it's better than another one of those post-Animal House so-called National Lampoon films with Paris Hilton, but not by much.
Space Chimps - Well, if you have a movie about chimps these days, they gotta fling some poo. They just gotta. The ever-decreasing national pool of word-association memes dictates it. Even if they only open the freeze-dried pack of chocolate pudding and very tastefully fling poo by proxy, there's still gotta be some flung poo. Even the kids are expecting that.
Vicky Cristina Barcelona - Something like that. Hey, Woody's a busy guy! He doesn't have time to remember all these stupid titles. Incidentally, Woody, you said you'd do a Seattle movie someday. You said! It's in print! You said you would! Work 'Starbucks' into the title, will ya?
Meet Dave - It's been prejudged as hell for me, even more so than Vampire in Brooklyn, but I dunno. It still looks kinda funny, call me crazy. ...Too late, it's already out on DVD. Is Charlie Murphy back out of the biz yet?
Mystery Date - Licence to Drive II
And speaking of the ever fetching Teri Polo...
Passed Away - Every Catholic family's dream. Or nightmare, either way.
Labor Pains - It's post-Disney Lindsay Lohan, so I know I don't want to see it. Unless, of course, Tina Fey's in it. I hear the movie's based on something Lindsay actually tried once! Kewl!
G.I. Joe - Hey Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand... hey, wait a minute! Where's Joe?
Terra - Wait til they get a load of Wall-E!...
Swing Vote - Kevin Costner's Man of the Year.
My Best Friend's Girl - Sounds good, but I'm waiting for the sequel My Best Friend's Girl 2: Here She Comes Again. Sorry, Tank!
Bangkok Dangerous - Oh, Stanley Goodspeed. When did you get to be so bad? Was it the money?