Thursday, August 14, 2008

Order Confirmation: EECIO-43-B4817, R..e..p..l..i..c...a...s..... qnwewfgxktbpgkoacygp

Yeah, that's right, folks... 24243 models omega,movado,etc watchez for 198.21 ..... vkgadfepusxtpfqxafts

That kinda sh ... stuff. Gotta keep up on the cutting edge of Spam. And this hour it's phony order confirmations! I actually fell for it. And by 'fell for it' I mean opened the email. Fortunately, it wasn't one of those emails that erases your hard drive just by opening the damn thing. God, I hate those. I mean, I know we have to support the hacker arts and all, but man! When does it all go too far? Is nothing sacred? Anyway, the biz at hand. Welp, as we can see the box office is settling into a nice, easily digestible chunk of pretty much the same movies slowly working their way down the box office esophagus vis-à-vis the peristalsis of attrition. Something like that; my head's been in the class clouds lately, for those of you who know me and or live with me. But the phenom is there; seems like only yesterday I was writing about Mamma Mia and Journey to the Center of the Earth and Hancock and Wall-E. Lately they've been closer to me than my closest relatives. Swing Vote? Is that still there? Ick. You're tracking failure all over my new carpet.

But the really big story this week, and even though I haven't been watching the ReelzChannel as slavishly as I once did I KNOW it was the top story on there... where was I? Oh yeah. It was: Batman or the Stoner movie: which will win? Well, as we can plainly see, they BOTH win! Why fight about it? Why quibble? They're both winners, it's just that Batman's more of a winner. In several ways. For one, TDK, in addition to crossing the 400 million dollar mark, is already entering that sacred territory that only our most cherished films enter into, like Forrest Gump, or Titanic. And that is, the Realm of Complaints. Oh, the woman in Titanic was a liar! Oh, F. Gum is a Republican paean / screed. You know what I mean; Drillbit Taylor is so derivative. Those kinds of things. You tend to hear them all the time. With TDK it's that some quarters think Batman is like Dubya, getting the bad guys by temporarily suspending habeas corpus, but putting it right back again. Only I think Dubya fires the people who question him. They don't just threaten to tender their final resignation. No, that's not enough. The other one is that Batman's voice is too deep. Oh, but these are merely the belated growing pains of satisfied customers. I think Michael Keaton's Batman voice was much deeper. Or maybe Clooney's, I don't know. The point is, it's his thing, and who are you to question the Bat anyway.

Oh dear, it's slipped to #3 in The IMDb Top 250. That's what you get for challenging the hegemony of The Shawshank Proxy. You too, Godfather 1. Happy now? Toking in at a close second, it's Pineapple Express. Couldn't they wait to release it on 4/20? Or get it done and edited faster so it wouldn't be almost 4 months late? Man, I'm so baked. Yeah, that visage of a baked Seth Rogaine is going up there in the Movie Hall of Infamy right next to Cheech 'n Chong and the smiley face of Dazed and Confused fame. It's the greatest movie ever. NORML will have the last laugh one of these days when weed is finally decriminalized. But remember, kids! Joints cause lung cancer too!

So what's left? Nothin' but a bunch of sequels. We got Mummy 3, and STP2, and I'm sorry. The poster for the first one was much sexier. I know that makes me a perv, but it's the truth. And without Kwapis returning to the director's chair for the deuce, it's just not the same. I know his music videos weren't as good, but I don't care. I'm a mule on this one: resolute and unyielding. And Step Brothers, I know. You're saying to yourself, but, Movie Hooligan! You said we got just sequels left! Step Brothers is not a sequel! Well, in my book, it completes the Adam McKay-Will Ferrell trilogy.

Okay, not the Adam McKay-Will Ferrell-John C. Reilly trilogy, but that's coming soon enough. Tie a knot in it. And I think that's about all the damage I can do for now. Over and out. And as always, remember: abstinence is abortion. Parents: have your teenagers spayed AND neutered, just to be safe.

Do I smell? ... potatoes and eggs? God, these hyperlinks are a pain in the a

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