Sunday, August 24, 2008

Auteur Watch - Fred Durst

Otherwise, it's just another normal week at the box office. Yeah, more like weak! Combined total of the top 10 films? 82.1 million in ticket sales. PATHETIC!!! Let's assess the damage, and for reasons you'll find out about later I'm starting off with lucky number seven, and it's Mirrors. I swear, you take the trailers of all these so-called horror movies of the last five years and they all look the same. Only the titles are different, and some of those are remakes of 70s horror movies. Meanwhile Dubya's in the White House going "Aw, man! Where's The Hitcher 2? They swore it'd be out before I left office... guess I'd better stay!" Maybe the Supreme Court can pull some more strings. Here, I'll help you with the tie-breaking opinion: "While we respect the fact that the people voted for Obama / Biden, it is the opinion of the highest court in the land that a Republican administration will do the best job in office, and when we say Republican administration, we say the current Republican administration. I mean, why change horses in midstream? Especially when they've stopped to take a leak." But I digress. Number 6 is Pineapple Express. Welp, that's the trouble with making movies for stoners. They're never sure if they went to see it or not! Shoulda given 'em some chips or somethin', guys.
At #5 it's Clone Wars. Man, even George Lucas didn't see this one. All the critics are so cynical, saying it's just a primer for a new show on Cartoon Network. What? Do you not admire the effort they're putting into it? How many TV shows do that, huh? So cynical. At #4 it's The Dark Knight (TDK: NASDAQ) and it's almost over the 500 million dollar mark. Don't give up now! No, it's headed for free-fall. I hate to see distributors pull something out of theaters before people really get a chance to see it. I mean, REALLY see it, you know?
And so we go from dark knight to Death Race (2008) at #3. How come no one's calling this a reboot? Could it be that the original's better? Nah, that can't be. Not with all your modern editing techniques. For this one, the latest state-of-the-art technique is to show it to a test audience, and they measure the heart beat of everyone in the theater. Then, you take the average heart beat, and edit the movie accordingly. Oh, it's a snap with Avid!
Maybe next week I'll do Auteur Watch: Fred Wolf. Yeah, it's only fair. Follow a Fred with a Fred. Two two-legged Freds right in a row, right, Imey? It truly is a Cinderella story, only with more flamboyant dresses. So, three cheers to all the stockholders at Happy Madison productions. It's gonna be a great summah!
Meanwhile at #1, Tropic Thunder reigns supreme yet again! Pretty kewl. At least they were brave and posted the budget, not like all the newbies this week. Cowards! Well, with an eye-popping $92 million price tag, it's still less costly than the occupation of Iraq. All hail Blackwater, our new corporate overlords!
And so, as if we're trapped in some kind of unholy torus, we wrap back around to #10, and it's that Mummy sequel. You got anything to add? Me neither. Let's move on, then. Mamma Mia hangs on with fingernails at #9. Well, we can only hope that some more movie musicals get the green light as a result. Any other Bob Fosse Broadway shows that can be celluloidicized? It'd get Best Picture, easy!

And finally, what it's all about right here, Alfie. Number 8. Oh, it doesn't really matter what the name of this film is, or who's in it, and how it's further eroding their street cred. All we really need to know is that 1) this is probably the only week it'll be in the Top 10, so watch out come Oscar time next year. And 2) it was directed by... drumroll please! Da, da-da daaaa! FRED DURST. Maybe you've heard of him! If not, save yourself the aggravation and stop reading this. Yeah, you know, some people in this life aren't happy enough being the front man for one of the most annoying bands this side of the Insane Clown Posse, spewing so-called pop music on our public airwaves. Look, ma! I'm swearing! Well, what can you say? That's the toxic pop culture sewer we live in, here in the greatest country on Earth. But hey! If it's good enough for Halle Berry, it's good enough for me. And behind every obnoxious white guy with the evil Devil goatee there beats the heart of a proud, card-carrying member of the DGA. Yes, you've crawled out of the primordial slime, developed arms and legs, and your body has cannibalized the salamander tail, and now you've evolved that strange mix of psychological traits that a director must possess: half army general, half stage manager, half editing deck dominatrix. You keep up these PG-rated movies, Durst, and you too will sit at the big table mingling with the likes of Michael Apted, Arthur Hiller, Spike Lee and many others. Or maybe they'll welcome you already, who knows.

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