Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Open Letter to America: Why do you hate Pixar?

Let me just start by saying, I don't know why, but suddenly, now I want Year One to bomb. I don't know why. Maybe it's Jack Black. Maybe it's Juno's boyfriend, I don't know. I just really want it to bomb for some reason. No offense, Ramis. It's just the jealousy talking.
All right. On to the fun stuff. Well, I gotta pay my respects now with the proper hangover-themed jpeg image, because The Hangover hangs in there at #1, baby. But, there are some heavy hitters on the horizon waiting to take your place. Other big comedies like The Proposal are coming soon, and believe me, you'll need a hangover to enjoy that one. Now, I hate to critique other critics, but the chick from the Rotten Tomatoes show on the Current channel, I think she said it best about The Hangover. In reviewing the three male leads in the picture, she saved Bradley Cooper for last, noting "Finally! Something for the ladies." May these cold, brutal, cutting comments not haunt you the rest of your days, Ed Helms and John Belushi... I mean, Andy Milonakis. No, that's not right, either. What is that guy's name, and what's he been in before? ...Zach Galifianakis. Damn, that's a mouthful. I suggest doing like Gisele B√ľndchen: drop the last name. And if you go out with Leonardo di Caprio, HANG ON TO HIM, for God's sake! Giz, what were you thinking?
Okay, on to the rest of the losers. Up at #2? LOSER! Pelham 123 debuting at #3? LOSER! That's Helgeland's fault, I know it. Worse, it didn't even crack the IMDb Top 250 yet like these other two.
Moving on, Night at the Museum 2? LOSER! Land of the Lost? Oh... It's too heartbreaking already. Quizno's will go bankrupt over this one. See, part of the problem was they were showing repeats of the old TV show, and people saw how crappy they were and, being naive and gullible, figured the movie would be the same way. Unfortunately, they're not turning out in droves to be pleasantly surprised...
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And now, the second half. Eddie Murphy's latest debuts at #6. At this point, it doesn't really matter what it's called. At this point, he's got two careers: his Shrek career, and his non-Shrek career. But Eddie's not going to work for Tyler Perry. No, he's too proud for that. Beverly Hills Cop 4, on the other hand... Now, Murphy's last two vehicles, Norbit and Meet Dave were directed by the same man: Brian Robbins. Here's my question: why not complete the trilogy? You did, like, twenty pictures with John Landis! What's the big deal? Didn't Norbit make a ton of money? ..oh, right, Meet Dave kinda counteracted that. Meet Dave made Pluto Nash look like a runaway hit, frankly. Time to move on. And, of course, a brief shout-out to scripters Ed Solomon and Chris Matheson who clearly have taken a long break from each other since the glory of their Bill and Ted days. Ganz/Mandel they're not. Elliot/Rossio they're not. To be fair, I think they're doing better than the Wibberleys. Or, at least, their souls are a little more intact.
As for the rest, well, you see it's all sequels and reboots: Star Trek reboot, Terminator 4, Da Vinci 2, and finally, Drag Me to Hell. Gotta love that poster. And they use that neo-classical Planes, Trains & Automobiles yuppified font! That's a personal favorite of mine... Well, I gotta give my family something they can ask me about. They'll ask me, "I didn't know you liked the font of Planes, Trains & Automobiles!" Oh, the shame of it all. I better go.

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