Short Reviews - May 2009

Ah, the final week of school. Is there any better time of year? I wanted to be able to hammer out the latest box office breakdown and episode of Auteur Watch first, but homework duty calls. Not to mention the hyperlinks. Always with the hyperlinks. I thought computers were supposed to make our lives easier. Meanwhile, dog activist Kim Sill recently appeared on the Dog Whisperer... Hmm! Why does she look familiar? In other news, when is Michael Chiklis going to star in the Joe the Plumber story? Just wondering. Okay, on to the reviews...

Mega Shark vs. Octopus - I have had it with these m#@$% Mega Sharks!

Up - If you don't like this film, you're not a human being.

BASEketball - If you don't laugh at this movie... you have a normal, healthy sense of humor.

Management - Ah, the Battle of the Sexes rages on. The women put up their best and brightest: Jennifer Aniston. Smart, funny, erudite, and looking fabulous. And the men put up their best and brightest: Steve Zahn. Handsome face, bad haircut, frumpy clothing, 75 IQ, and tells Aniston at one point that she's got a great butt. Can you even doubt that these two deserve each other? Are they not evenly matched?

The Last Templar - Oh, Mira Sorvino! You've joined the Jesus Freaks, too?

Basic Instinct 2 - If there was one film Charlotte Rampling could take off her resumé, well, ...

State of Play - Not only are the newspapers going bankrupt, but movies about newspapers on the verge of bankruptcy are going bankrupt too! And of course, see the original series...

Rules of Engagement - I have had it with these motherf** Vietnam War movies!

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past - We know, we know. It's always the girlfriends' fault.

Making Sandwiches - Bud Hoagie? Great name!

Once Around - Now Dreyfuss is the Bob!

Batman Forever - Now Tommy's the Chigurh!

Year One - I'm sorry. There's only one definitive Stone Age comedy, and that's National Lampoon's The Stoned Age. Which I've never seen, but you would think it would be good. ...right?

Cassandra's Dream - I'm starting to wonder. Between this, and Crimes and Misdemeanors, and Match Point... Woody, is there something you're trying to tell us? Did you once shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die?

Management - ...just saw the profile of this on the Rotten Tomatoes TV show. This is surely the When Harry Met Sally of this era. On the other hand, you may think Zahn is this close to getting his ass kicked by telling Jennifer Aniston that she's got a great butt. But it works! He gets to touch it! He must be doing SOMETHING right! I'm as much a part of the feminist movement as the next guy, but clearly the feminists have given up on the mainstream media sphere. It's been downhill for many years now, and surely this shouldn't even qualify as a 'gut check' checkpoint, but it's just too good to pass up. And right after Marley and Me and everything. What would Marley say?

The Spirit - A PG-13 version of The Spirit at Wal-Mart? Oh, no. This is wrong. So very wrong. On many, many levels. I think Frank Miller's street cred's gonna take a hit over this one... (robocop 3)

The Devil's Tomb - What? Cuba Gooding Jr., you want to be taken seriously NOW? I don't think so. Not after the likes of light, fluffy family fare like Rat Race, Snow Dogs and Instinct.

The Girl Gets Moe - Tony Danza, you want to be taken seriously NOW?!!!

Rudo Y Corsi - Just replace the soccer with filmmaking, and you've got the Cuaron brothers' life story. Face it, Carlos, you're just late to the game!

"The Insider" - Is Ashley Tisdale hosting "The Insider" now?

Angels & Demons - Well, Tom Hanks is not quite in Kirk Cameron territory yet. Maybe when he completes the Robert Langdon trilogy in 2012. Can you even doubt that it's going to happen?

Land of the Lost - Daddy, can we watch Eastbound & Down next? We need more Danny McBride!

Payback with Mel Gibson - When will people learn that torture doesn't work? Mel gets two of his toes smashed with a hammer here, and HE didn't provide the information his questioners wanted!

Little Man - Some of Tony Cox's best work.

Dance Flick - Oh, the Wayans dynasty just can't win. It was time for a dance flick send-up, but they're just not the Zuckers...

Harry in your Pocket - Something like that... Hooray for Seattle! A so-so movie town.

They Shoot Horses, Don't They? - Redford must've been busy. Get the brunette Redford instead. Hey, don't ask me why Turner Classic Movies is having a Sarrazin-a-thon...

Another Woman - Gena Rowlands makes a bad Woody Allen. Which may be a good thing. Maybe Woody should've gotten a child a long time ago. Care about someone else for a change.

Management - Gotta keep it simple. For the sake of all the Mikes out there. This is indeed the Marley and Me of relationship movies. And not just because Aniston's in this as well. Long live your Mike!

"Nurse Jackie" - Another new Showtime original series... wait a second! Carmela Soprano has another new hit series? I'm sorry. This is unacceptable to me.

And finally...

Mary Mother of Christ (2010) - Indeed...