Short Reviews - Aug. '09

Too many movies coming out!

'night, Mother - Good double bill with Extremities.

Hawmps! - Blows.

The Brown Bunny - Oh, Chloe Sevigny, my little tunicate...

Savannah Smiles - Am I the only one who remembers this movie?

The Relic (1997) - Am I the only one who remembers that this was #1 its opening weekend?

Gunshy (1998) and Gun Shy (2000) - I can't tell these two apart!!!!

Taps - Nice to see I wasn't the only one who hates the scourge of Seattle condominiums.

The Marc Pease Experience - Oh, pease. Yeah, this'll be box office gold.

"The Bonnie Hunt Show" - Oh, Don Lake. Somehow this seems like a step down for you. But, work is work. If Claire okays it, then why not.

Blow - The GoodFellas of drug importing

Donnie Brasco - The GoodFellas of FBI infiltration.

Empire (2002) - The GoodFellas of drug dealing

Innocent Blood - The GoodFellas of vampires

Boogie Nights - The GoodFellas of porno

A Bronx Tale - The GoodFellas of bus drivers

Mobsters - GoodFellas Jr.

Dances with Wolves - The GoodFellas of Native Americans

The Departed - The GoodFellas of ... Boston? Of 2006?

Cinderfella - Ooh, I heard that's good... I sorta couldn't watch it myself.

Clear Cut - Graham Greene's favorite film. When are the Saw guys gonna remake this turkey?

Pawn Stars - There's a pun there somewhere, but I still can't see it...

Homecoming - For God's sake, people! Mischa Barton went to THERAPY over this movie! And just ahead of the release date, too! ...too late. It's already bombed.

(National Lampoon's) The Legend of Awesomest Maximus - I do like Will Sasso, but I just hope this is an okay vehicle for him. As for National Lampoon, well, this is hardly the late 70s/early 80s anymore. Maybe YOU'RE the one getting lampooned here... or is that harpooned? One of the two.

The Beast - Erick Avari's first and last serious role... I used that one already, didn't I? Thought so. He and Sayed Badreya should do a buddy pic together... probably used that one already, too. Damn! Can I still claim that great minds think alike?

Curb Your Enthusiasm - Okay, LD, but technically you've got to do 100 more episodes to totally eclipse Seinfeld!

Farewell to the King - You know, you often hear about 'token black' characters, but what about token Brits? Forced to play second fiddle to the American alpha dog?

How to Murder Your Wife - SEE?! They're EVERYWHERE! They're VERY everywhere...

Over the Top - Lincoln Hawk? Great, great name. Over the top, indeed!

Lars and the Real Girl - Well, I guess there's only one thing to say: if only more women were like Bianca...

Young People F***ing - You know... Two thoughts, of course. On the one hand, I see what they're trying to do; this could be the description of most 80s teen comedies, arguably. On the other hand, it's a not-so fine line between porno titles and theatrical release titles. Why, I remember a time when that one scene with Jean Simmons in Spartacus sent people in droves to confession booths. How gone that era is. Incidentally, I only stumbled upon this one in my vainglorious attempt to find films with two-word titles, the SECOND word being people. Harder than I thought. Speaking of which...

Cold Souls - I just might end up giving this one the cold soul-der... nothing? Folks, the point is...

The Hurt Locker - The best American movie of the summer? I'd have to see it to believe it, personally. I mean, Point Break and Strange Days were okay, but...

The Onion Movie - Ironically, The Onion panned it... or maybe NOT so ironically, in this post-hip era we live in

Naked Gun 4 - Just found out about this... okay, look. I think things have gone far enough, but that's how it is. Why, in even The Police can resolve their differences and get back together. I mean, let's face it! Leslie Nielsen has many, MANY cinematic sins to atone for ... some even in the midst of the Naked Gun craze in the first place! But it looks like it's going to beat Lethal Weapon 5 by a New York Mile... for what that's worth.

Deadbeat (1976) - One I doubt Chris Mulkey wants to be remembered for... and DON'T ask me who he is!

High School Musical 4: A Hornaday Keeps The Box Office Away - Who do they think they are? Harry Potter? Is this going to turn into the 7 Up series?

The Genesis Code - Okay, guys, this is getting out of hand. What next, are you going to hand out promotional rolls of toilet paper for the big Hollywood premiere of ... Deuteronomy? heh heh...

The Bear That Wasn't - Oh, it's good, but it's no I Lost My Bear... I mean, Munro.

Extract - This better not suck, Beavis!

Fantastic Mr. Fox - Ocean's 14? Somehow I thought the animation would be a little more Pixar-esque...

Mind The Gap - Eric Schaeffer's Jersey Girl (2004) ?

The Simpsons: The Complete Twelfth Season - Still loving it... but I must confess, that montage of Jeff Albertson was maybe a little too much. Ended perfectly, of course. One thing I got stuck in my head right now: the portable credit card reader that says "Deadbeat!" over and over again... oh, crud.

All About Steve - Oh, there's NO WAY this is going to be as big a hit as The Proposal. And it's probably not going to win as many Oscars as All About Eve. But the big question of course is: where did Bradley Cooper hook up with Renée Zellweger? ...oh, of course. Case 39. Strike Three for Jeniston! Owwch. And incidentally, why is Sandy so untouchable? Surely, Brad's hotter than Jesse James? Oh why oh why is there never enough of these hot young starlets to go around... The other question no one is asking: when is Bradley Cooper going to play the lead in the Lindsey Buckingham story?

Sorority Row - At first I couldn't tell if it was a comedy or a horror movie, and then I saw Carrie Fisher and I couldn't help but think, oh, Princess Leia. How could you let yourself go like that? Maybe it's time to rethink Kathleen Turner...

Play the Game - Now Andy Griffith's the Sexy Beast!