Thursday, April 25, 2013

Too many Hugs, Not Enough Mugs


...Why do these things always come in threes?  I know, I know, but even I'm starting to wonder.  As usual, the old Stooges get three young ladies as foils.  Then again, Christine McIntyre was getting a little long in the tooth in her own right.  But I don't care, she's still a doll.  And then, there's the French-Canadian babe Nanette Bordeaux.  Oh, these Stooge shorts killed her off for sure!  Tragic.  Just tragic.
Anyway, let's get through all this fruity girl crap, and get right to the good stuff.  Then again, this is kind of a Stooge-esque shtick, isn't it?  So these three hot chicks go to get their mini-storage parcel after spending a year in jail.  Elderly shopkeeper Emil Sitka informs them that three gentlemen bought their parcel at auction.  They go full-throttle Stooge on his ornery old ass!  Epic.  Actually, Sitka was about 36 at the time.  Damn, but I feel old right now.
Next scene: the Stooges are hard at work hurting each other.  I'm just too used to see them running from the cops.  No, that was the 30s and early 40s.  They're legit now, having studied Business Administration at Yale.  But they really should've studied either theater or one of the martial arts.  Position is everything, and they always seem to line themselves up to hurt each other.  Case in point: Moe steps in front of Shemp's drill.  True, Shemp hasn't drilled all the way through the chair he's working on, but it would still be a good idea to pay attention and think ahead a couple moves.  But like a runaway train headed for the end of the line, Moe gets his padded ass in the wrong place at the wrong time and, as Shemp daydreams, looking towards the camera but not right into it, he twists the drill through the back of the chair he's working on and hits Moe in the ass... crunching sound?  Hmm.  Apparently, Moe's ass is made of walnuts.  Go figure.  Just like Costanzo's neck in Total Recall!
And so, Shemp goes into full apology mode.  "I'm sorry, Moe!  The bit bit ya!" he says.  Well, it's half of a mea culpa, anyway.  Giving a mea culpa must be an upper crust thing.  I can't remember the last time I heard a good mea culpa at my economic level!  Everyone just complains about a lack of sleep, usually.  Anyway, Moe is unimpressed and grabs Shemp's nose, then smites it.  Shemp steps backward and, as fate would have it, Lawrence stabs Shemp with a knitting needle in his ass.  Shemp plunges forward and gets Moe a second time with the drill!  Lol.  This is going to be a good one after all.  Shemp half-apologizes to Moe, saying "Moe, Larry pushed me!"  Spoken like a true gentleman.  A lesser sort would've complained, saying that Larry just stabbed me in the ass with a needle.  I guess we're just lucky Larry wasn't a heroin addict.  Larry comes over and totally loses it on Shemp, slapping him gently with the first thing he can grab.  Shemp notices that it's the box they bought from the auction.  Great segué, guys, just great.  Apparently it wasn't made out of rubber, and neither, apparently, was the extra-long drill bit that Shemp was using!  Thank God for Moe's ass padding.  But nevertheless, Moe's still sore, and all too quickly, the valuable pearls becomes the magic beans that turns into a giant beanstalk.  Shemp puts the pearls in his pocket, and Moe throws the box away.  We see that the box lands on a chair over yonder.  You know, this reminds me of the beginning of Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai which I happened to watch a little bit of recently.  I saw the part with Richard Portnow, don't ask me why.  The girl was reading "Rashomon" and she takes a big gulp of wine and throws the book on the floor.  Ghost Dog shoots Portnow, notices to his horror that he's not alone, and takes the book with him to hang on to until the end of the movie... sorry, SPOILER ALERT.  I guess my point is: IS THIS NOT THE SAME DAMN SITUATION?  Probably not, but Jarmusch surely agrees with me, right?  Don't leave me hangin', bro!
Anyway, this scene goes on for far too long.  The Stooges improvise what they can, but to no avail.  "THIS IS A PLACE OF BUSINESS!" Moe barks at his helpless underlings.  Boy, that's when you know it's time to retire, when the Three Stooges are calling themselves legitimate businessmen.  Moe pokes Shemp in the eyes and leaves his fingers there.  "All right, take it out," Shemp says.
God damn, but I'm exhausted.  Watching Stooge films is a young man's game.  Next scene: trouble arrives outside their very front door in the form of the three pretty, but crazy, ladies.  Their plan is to ply their feminine wiles on the Stooges... that's the right phrase, isn't it?  Love 'em and leave 'em, as soon as they get the jewels, basically.  I hate to guess ahead, but these gals are going to fall in love with the Stooges, aren't they?  Even though the Stooges are old enough to be their fa.. their grandfathers?  I guess because the other two girls speak some French, this makes Nanette Bordeaux the alpha chick.  The gals enter.  We hear Moe giving the other two a pep talk that just might prepare them for the adventure they're about to go on.  Indeed, they should learn to behave themselves... and so begins the first test.  McIntyre, positively luminous in her fur wrappings, asks as sexily as possible which one of the Stooges is the proprietor.  They of course, all claim to be, and then go in for the three-header bow.  After recovering, Moe hits them both in the skull with his angry fists.
Next scene: Moe confidently marches over to McIntyre and gets to work.  The other four pair off, and... huzzah!  Romance is once again in the air!  "What a gorgeous head of skin!" Larry's girl says to him.  Of course, now that half the men in America shave their heads all the time, we should probably hear that phrase a lot more often.  Shemp is, of course, the most romantic of all, and after he's done wheezing and snorting, he kisses Bordeaux on the arm just above her bracelet.  Lucky bastid.
McIntyre unsubtly reminds Moe that she's there to get the pearls back... I mean, look at some... whatever they have.  But just as Moe's about to take McIntyre over to their inventory, Bordeaux grabs on to Moe so McIntyre can look around unfettered.  Bordeaux complements Moe on his eyes.  Shemp asks "Hey!  What about MY eyes?"  You'll never guess how Moe responds to that... yup, even Shemp's at a loss for words.  Lol.  Once again, the scene goes on for much longer than it normally would.
And so, time to kill some time in earnest.  We watch as McIntyre desperately looks for the small box with the pearls in it.  Eventually, she sees that the box is resting on yonder loveseat.  Relieved, she goes over to it and... unrelieved, she finds the box empty.  Well, where could they have gone?  Typical dame.  She thinks they're lost somewhere in the chair!  Now, while all of this is going on, we hear the others talking about romance, as if they're making up dialogue right there on the spot.  If it was scripted, they should fire the writer right away.  McIntyre's desperation gets ratcheted up when she sees a knife sitting on the table next to the loveseat, and she starts cutting up the chair to find those damn pearls!  They've got to be somewhere in the chair's stuffing!  Just gotta!


Oh, right!  The act break.  I must've gotten distracted myself!  Anyway, the script quality picks up a little bit at this juncture.  Fifi says to Shemp, "I bet you're a regular ladykiller!"  Moe quips, "Oh sure!  The ladies take one look at him and drop dead!"  Everyone laughs except Shemp, but including Fifi!  That harlot.  Oh, but like when Groucho and Chico spar with dueling jokes, Shemp's not taking this lying down.  "Why, I've been asked to get married lots of times!" he says.  "Who asked you?" asks Larry?  "My mother and father!" says Shemp.  Another laugh.  Damn you, lack of specifics!  How many more jokes must you be responsible for?  I curse the laxness of the English language.  Now, the Germans... they know how to make a damn language!  Very little wiggle room in that tongue.
Anyway, all this talk about the Stooges being legitimate businessmen must have some ring of truth to it.  And every once in a while, business trumps love, as in this next scene coming up here.  Larry is snapped out of his swooning state when he looks over and sees what McIntyre's doing to the chair.  "Hey, look what she's doing to that chair!" he says.  Oh, dude.  This is going to get epic.  The Stooges rush over to McIntyre and the chair, and playtime's clearly over.  McIntyre tries to turn the charm back on, but Shemp, for one, is not having any of it.  "This chair was sold!  Maybe the customer won't take it!" he complains.  McIntyre tries to pat him gently on the face and calm him down, but he looks at Moe and Larry like she's completely crazy.  Lol.
Meanwhile, the other two girls search the other half of the Stooges' store.  At this precise moment, the girls prove that maybe they're not so different from the Stooges after all.  Perhaps we can really settle this heredity v. environment question after all!
Back to McIntyre and Shemp.  McIntyre's obviously not doing a good enough job trying to win Shemp back, because Shemp rips part of McIntyre's dress to try and prove his point.  At this point, McIntyre gives up on her charm offensive and just rips Shemp's left sleeve off his coat...  Berth Marks, anyone?  Moe should probably step in at some point and defend his girl's honor, but apparently slapstick trumps love in these kind of things.  Repeat once.  Shemp backs off, saying "...don't you hit me!"  Lol.  Larry steps up.  Larry finds a Hays Code-approved bit of McIntyre's dress to rip off, and he does.  Now... as you can tell from the expression on McIntyre's face, Larry is at the bottom of the Stooge totem pole for her, so to speak.  Her face virtually clenched like a fist, she grabs a hold of Larry's tie and splits it in two, stretching it out in what appears to be an attempt to strangle Larry to death.  We hear the sound of walnuts cracking.  Think of all the suffering she could've ended right there if only she finished the job!  Larry rips the rose off of McIntyre's hat in response.  That does it.  The gloves are off now.  Building on my theory of earlier, McIntyre slaps both sides of Larry's hairy head, and pulls out two big tufts of his hair.  I hope that that was stunt hair.  Larry doesn't seem to know himself!
Moe tries to reason with the fuming McIntyre, but McIntyre digs her giant heels into Moe's right foot, sending Moe hopping away.  Shemp goes in for a second helping, and McIntyre pokes him in the eyes... were they brother and sister in a previous life or something?  Anyhow, having conquered each Stooge individually, McIntyre marches over to her two soldiers and shows them the empty jewelry box.  "Maybe one of them has the necklace in his pockets!" says Fifi.  The other agrees and they all try a second big helping of the ol' charm offensive.  Oh, things are going to get messy.
The three couples reunite and, like a bad stage production, Shemp exits Stage Left with his girl and Larry Stage Right.  Heavens to Mergatroid!  That leaves us to focus on McIntyre and Moe.  "I was only playing!" purrs McIntyre.  "You should be playing tackle on the football team!" barks Moe.  A kiss on the cheek will fix that bad attitude, however.  Moe instantly turns to mush, then steals a kiss himself.  Moe buries his face in McIntyre's shoulder.  McIntyre says "Awww..." and searches through Moe's pockets.  Now, I could be cynical and say that all marriages are just like this.  However, at one point, McIntyre runs afoul of a loaded mouse trap in Moe's upper pocket.  No wonder she hated working with Jules White.  Edward Bernds would never make her do something like that.  McIntyre removes the mouse trap from her fingers so that Moe can't see her agony.  Now, the ladies in the audience could be cynical and say that all marriages are just like that.  Moe uses the opportunity to steal another kiss.  Good thing he couldn't see the look on McIntyre's face!
Over to Larry, wowing his girl with his storytelling prowess.... sheesh.  Larry gets to the punchline and slaps his girl on the shoulder.  Hard.  She falls off the bench, and the bench flips up like a teeter totter and hits Larry in the side of his head.  My description hardly does it justice; you'll just have to witness it for yourself.  This may be the highlight of a Stooge short overloaded with them.  At this point, Larry is sitting down and passed out.  Larry's girl blows on him and he falls completely over.  She starts going through his pockets.  Now that's how it's done!
Next scene: the mob that was alluded to before shows up, and right outside the Stooges' place of business!  And they're not just there to collect the weekly protection money, either.  No, everyone wants a piece of those damn pearls.  Anyway, back to the romance.  Bordeaux is messing with Shemp's hair, trying to make an Alfalfa-type thing with it.  Shemp's about to get a proper kiss from Nanette Bordeaux.  Lucky bastid.  Of course, Fifi tries to go through his pockets at the same time, but he's terribly ticklish.  The kiss will have to wait, I guess.  Time to kill some time before the thugs make their grand entrance... gotta link to this one part, though.  Lol.  But wait!  There's a twist in the plot.  Shemp says "No more" to Fifi and stands up, when all of a sudden... he's got a spring on his ass!  Somehow, a giant hole is now in the couch that Shemp and Fifi were sitting on.  Boy!  First the shredded chair, now this!  Hungry, angry termites, I guess.  Anyway, the point is, Shemp's now unable to leave the confines of the couch because of this determined spring.  Check out the audio at about 0:57.  Sounds like the sound has been given a little bit of the ol' THX treatment!  Shemp appeals to his pals for help.  "I'm having clutch trouble!" he tells Moe and Larry.  Ask your grandparents... And so, Moe and Larry grab a hold of Shemp's respective arms and give Shemp a real good yank.  Alas, it's not good enough, and Shemp hits the couch a third time.  "WHY YOU!!!!!" say Moe and Larry.  Oh, this is some next-level sh... stuff.  Determined, Moe and Larry get Shemp much farther away from the couch this time.  They turn Shemp around and start to pull on the spring proper.  And when they do, it sounds just like someone strumming directly on the strings of a piano!  There must be a way to make money off of that.  Imagine!  Your very own piano in one tiny spring.  Unfortunately, the Stooges aren't such forward thinkers, and they look at the spring as an enemy.  They eventually dislodge the spring from the couch, and... oh, you'll just never guess what happens.  Yup, that's right.  THWACK!  A face full of spring for the three of them.  That hurt me, for God's sake!  Moe untangles himself from his third of the spring and slaps Shemp for good measure, calling him a nitwit.  The girls run over to console their respective Stooges.  Get used to it, girls.  If you stick with these guys, you'll be doing this kind of thing your whole life.
To move the plot along, Shemp says "I hope it didn't bust the beads!" and takes the pearl string out of his pocket.  Everyone stops and stares at the beads as though it's the Lost Ark or something.  McIntyre acts quickly, saying to Moe "I could sure love a man who'd give me beads like that."  Moe pats McIntyre's hand and immediately acts to oblige her.  He plucks the pearls from Shemp's hand and holds them a few seconds for the camera to absorb it all, and probably to rub it in Shemp's face a little bit.  Now, screenwriters of the future take note: Moe hands McIntyre the pearls and says "Here they are!  They're yours!"  Enter the mob guys.  "Oh, no!  They're mine!" says one of the mobsters, grabbing the pearls for himself.  Economy of words.  That's the key.  Repeat stuff as often as possible.  People will be more likely to remember it that way.  But, you also gotta be careful.  If you repeat stuff too much, people will notice that, too.  Kinda like how characters in Aaron Sorkin projects say that they're never ever sick at sea, or how characters in David Mamet projects swear a lot and/or say "Things change."  Ooh!  That might make a good title, dontcha think?... oh, right.  Hey, wait a minute.  Co-written with Shel Silverstein?  Oh, this will not do.  Time to take out the trash.
And speaking of trash, let's get back to the film.  It's probably the perfect time for Act Three, but there's still 5 minutes and 30 seconds left... take away about 15 seconds for the end credit sequence... oh, hell with it.  Act Three.


The mobsters alluded to earlier have finally caught up with the girls and their pearls, and the valuable pearl string is now in the bad guys' hands.  And I mean, the real bad guys' hands.  Maybe I'm just a male chauvinist pig, but I tend to make distinctions like that.  The bad guys that aren't physically attractive to me have shown up and have taken possession of the pearls.  But, as often happens in Stooge films, things of value tend not to stay in the same set of hands for too long a time.  The negotiation begins.  McIntyre tries to pit the Stooges against the mobsters, saying to Moe "Don't let them have 'em!  They belong to us!"  Moe stands tall and tells the mobster that he'll fight for the woman he loves.  And then... wait for it... Moe shoves Shemp in front of the mobster and tells him to get busy fighting.  Get busy living or get busy dying, right?  Sheesh.  Shemp starts doing his usual fighting shtick.  Hoh boy..............
The mobster obviously has no sense of humor, as he gets a firm grip of Shemp's shirt collar, winds up and... POW!  A home run right in Shemp's ugly kisser.  Shemp steps backward into the wall.  What's he going to get on his head this time?  Looks like a loaded bird cage!  See, usually when someone steps backwards towards a wall, they're going to get hit on the head by something quietly resting on a high shelf.  Ah, potential energy.  Where would the Stooges be without you?  Shemp does some improv with the bird in the cage.  I just hope it wasn't scripted, anyhow.  The scene goes on a little longer than it normally would, lol.  The mobsters laugh, but not the way you and I laugh.  Larry takes umbrage (not hombrage or ombrage... the red wavy lines don't like those), and starts busting some heads.  Well, a foot and a chin, actually.  Then another foot and the same chin!  Repeat two more times.  Comedy, thy name is Lawrence.  Everyone else scatters in other directions, but Larry, for at least one brief moment, is truly master of his domain.  Moe runs to Stage Right, and finds his own little slice of heaven to dispatch bad guys with: a table.  He manages to get the bad guy on one end of the table, and himself on the opposite end.  Moe brings his fists down upon the middle slat of the table, like one of the apes in the 2001 version of Planet of the Apes.  It looks a little stupid, but it's damn effective, as those apes are quite strong.  As for Moe, he's still got enough strength to cause some damage himself, and the board rises up to meet the challenge of the bad guy's chin on the other side of the table.  Usually a knock on the top of a bad guy's head will knock him out.  This mobster must be built upside down!  A knock on the bottom of this guy's head knocks him out cold!  And he'll probably wake up with a hell of a toothache.  While all this is going on, we seem to hear the audio from Larry's triumphant fight of earlier repeated, but a little quieter.
Triumphant and happy in victory, Moe slaps his hands and looks over to Stage Left.  He seems to already know that it's not going to be good news, judging by the look on his face.  And sure enough, Larry's brief streak of victory in battle has come to an end.  Larry's more of a sprinter, while these mobsters are marathon runners.  Now it's Larry's chin that's getting punched.  The three girls look on while Larry suffers.  The Puncher in Chief assumes his working over of Larry is done.  Or maybe it's just too sad to continue, something like that, so he turns his attention to Moe by the table.  And soon enough, Moe's got a second mobster to deal with.  Oh, I almost forgot.  Why do these things always come in threes in these pics?  Three jailhouse dames, three mobsters, Three Stooges... I'm just not finding a pattern here.  Anyway, Moe finds himself running around the table anew.  The mobster all too quickly finds himself right in position to get hit in the chin.  To up the dramatic ante a little bit, the mobster takes out a very shiny knife, saying "I'll murder you, you rat!"  Technically, Moe's not a rat, at least not in the Henry Hill sense, but just a guy in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Speaking of which... POW!  Right in the jaw.
Moe goes over to the chin-hurting side of the table and taunts the two passed-out bad guys on the floor.  Well, God is about to teach Moe that pride is a sin, as Moe gets lightly tapped on the chin by the board.  Why, I dare not spoil how that happens... but I can link to it for you.  Larry runs to get Moe some water and... damn!  I spoiled it!
Meanwhile, there's one mobster left, and he backs the three girls into a corner.  Inspired by the Stooges' street fighting tactics, McIntyre gets an idea after she singes her ass with an iron on an ironing board.  Meanwhile, Shemp's still got that damn bird cage on his head.  He sees the girls in trouble and runs over to do what he can.  Unfortunately, all he can think to do is kick the guy in the ass.  The guy turns around and throws a punch at Shemp's head, and he ends up really really really hurting his fist on that damn bird cage.  He nurses his aching fist for a few seconds.  God's about to teach Shemp about pride being a sin, because the mobster quickly comes to and punches Shemp in the gut.  Then, the mobster opens the door of the bird cage and punches Shemp in the face through the open door of the cage!!!  Oh, dude, that's just downright cruel.  As before, Shemp starts stepping backwards until he hits a wall.  But this time, he's going to hit Moe's magic table instead.  Unfortunately for the Stooges, Moe's still in the exact spot that a bad guy should be in.  Moe gets hit in the chin right proper this time.  It looks better than that first time, anyway.  Moe starts stepping backwards himself until he hits a wall.  But before he can get to a wall, he end up falling into a giant pit of leftover stuffing.  I don't know why they would need that for their business, which I guess is why I'm not in the furniture business myself.  But they do need it for the big climax of this Stooge short, that much is clear.  (Okay, so I watched ahead a little bit...)
Of course, for me there's really only one giant pit filled with stuffing in a Stooge pic, and that's from Loose Loot.  Okay, gotta try and wrap this damn review up here.  Next scene: back at the killer table, where Shemp's still struggling to get the bird cage off of his head.  Larry runs over and asks rhetorically, "Where's Moe?"  Meanwhile, the two knocked-out bad guys are starting to come to, so Larry gets a hammer and prepares to deliver some Stooge-brand anesthetic.  Reminds me of that guy on the New York subway that one time that had a hammer, but Larry's not going to go that crazy.  He's not a monster!  Just enough to do the job.  Larry winds up and... POW!  Oh, you only hurt the ones you love... or, in this case, the ones on your team.  Yes, God is trying to teach Larry a lesson about hammers and hitting people in the head with them.  The lesson?  Always make sure you're using an OSHA-approved hammer, and be sure to test its structural integrity before you hit someone on the head with it.  And, irony of ironies, Shemp manages to remove the bird cage at precisely the wrong second.  If only he had left it on his head a few seconds longer, he might not have felt the impact of the hammer's metal head so hard.  Shemp backs up towards the wall, but runs into one of the mobsters at the foot of the giant stuffing-filled pit, and the plot conspires to send the two of them into its fibrous grip.  Larry misses seeing that happen, but somehow he can't break free of the stuffing-filled pit's gravitational pull and, as sure as eggs is eggs, a few seconds later he and his respective mobster end up falling over the wooden edge of the pit and into its billowy cushions within, not to be seen again for quite a while.
So, who do we have left?  We've got the three girls, and presumably the arch mobster.  Not realizing how dangerous McIntyre can be with a hot iron, the mobster prepares to enter the fibrous pit and get revenge on those rats known as the Stooges.  He gets an unwelcome boost forward when McIntyre introduces the hot iron to the mobster's ass.  Soon enough, into the pit he goes.  But look!  Shemp has figured out how to stand up inside the pit!  Reminds me of that clay thing... ah, skip it.  I'll never be able to find that again.  Anyway, now that Shemp's armed with his new deadly weapon, he goes to work.  He sends the girls away and starts singing some asses.  First up: one of the mobsters.  The mobster stands up, screams, then dives back into the fibers.  Next: the other mobster.  Same thing: stand up, scream, dive back in.  Next up... Larry?  Oh, no.  How could this have happened?  Too bad no one could've seen this coming.  But Shemp keeps on going.  He hits the third mobster, gets the mastermind a second time and then... Moe?  Oh, retribution may be delayed, but it will not be denied.  Shemp looks behind him to make sure Moe's fallen back under the top layer of fibers.  Whew!  That was close.  Next scene: Shemp's standing in a clearing, looking for another ass to burn.  Why, he seems to be standing right on top of one!  He moves the coat lapels out of the way so the hot iron can get to it.  When suddenly... Shemp sees the head that the ass is attached to.  It's one of the mobsters.  Caught up in the excitement of the moment, Shemp moves to quickly put the iron in place.  Unfortunately, he ends up burning his own ass instead of the one of the mobster.  Shemp lets out a mighty scream and pitches forward, face first into the fibers.  Not so nice, is it?  Now maybe you know how your victims feel!
Next scene: Shemp's still the only one standing, and he's still looking for an ass to burn.  We see some of the fibers flying into the air.  Lol.  Reminds me of that joke about Hell's three doors.  I don't think eBaum's World gets it quite right, but the punchline's close enough.  Anyway, time for Shemp to evolve, change the game, what have you.  Shemp's iron hasn't cooled yet, but somehow it's still not enough.  Maybe if he had the blowtorch from all those Stooge plumbing pics, he could really do some damage, but alas, sometimes you just have to go to war with the army that Donald Rumsfeld gives you.  What if he singes the bad guy, then hit them on the head with the iron?  An actual example of a double whammy!  Let's try it.  So far, so good.  Cue the cuckoo.  The first guy stumbles his way out of the fiber-stuffed pit, concussion and all.  Time for Mug #2.  Like clockwork, but without the cuckoo this time.  The guy has a little trouble negotiating the lip of the fiber-stuffed pit, but he eventually makes it.  Shemp takes another swipe at the guy for padding out his part... did I hear a member of the crew laughing?  I think I did!
Next scene: we get a close-up shot of the roiling seas of the fiber-stuffed pit.  Why, anything could be lurking under its turbulent surface!  At least one bad guy, and at least two Stooges.  What will appear?... how about all three?  The bad guy's in between Moe and Larry, so naturally they both go in for a punch at the same time.  You'll just never guess how that one plays out.  But Shemp's a good soldier, and he's at the ready with his ever-smoldering iron.  Ready to steam some bad guy ass.  And... POW!  Bad guys are powerless against it.  The mobster runs away, steaming ass and all, and the Stooges emerge triumphant from the threaded abyss.  The girls run over to their side.  I thought they took off with the pearls!  Go figure.  Maybe love conquers greed after all.


Shemp's not going to... yes he is.  He kisses the iron because it was so helpful in the mighty battle against the mobsters.  On the hot part of it, no less.  He tries to comfort his burnt lips and places the iron on the chair so someone can sit down upon it later.
Oh, the Stooges still had the pearls.  But after what they've all been through, McIntyre decides she's going to return them to their rightful owners.  She actually uses those words!  What a nerd.  Then she disses Moe a little bit, saying "You know, you're not much to look at..."  Back then, character had about as much influence as a pretty face.  Go figure.  Not in the Facebook era, thank God!  Nowadays it's just about who takes the hottest selfie first.  Larry noticed McIntyre's dis and is frowning, but all is soon forgotten as his gal embraces him.  They do a sideways face hug.  I just hope she can't see Larry's face.
Which brings us back to Shemp.  Oh, who's your daddy?  He sits down on the nearest chair with his girl in his lap.  All is right with the world.  The words just flow out of him like the Seine as the iron slowly lights his ass on fire.  Slowly, his thoughts turn away from romance and to, well... he says "I smell something burning!  Someone's roasting a ham!"  A few seconds after you and I would've jumped, Shemp jumps, slightly scaring his girl.  Oh, get used to it, honey.  If you hang with the Stooges, you gotta put up with this kinda sh... crap all the time.
Now, screenwriters take note.  If it were the middle of the film, we could do just a simple gag of Shemp sitting down in a bucket of water to cool his ass off.  But it's the end, and we need an extra special something.  Fortunately, brighter minds than mine were at work on these things, and they've come up with an ingenious solution!  Shemp trips on a cord, and an electric fan drops into the bucket of water.  Now, I know what you're thinking, but it's not a bathtub with a radio in it.  Let 'em have their fun for once, for God's sake!  And so, Shemp makes his way over to the bucket and... yup, Shemp's comfort quickly turns to more yelling as his pants get shredded... sorry, wrong link, and bits of fabric start flying up behind him.  Much like the bits of fiber rising up from the stuffing abyss in the corner of their fabric abattoir they call a business.  Strange, because Shemp's audio yelling doesn't seem to match the picture yelling... does that make sense?  They dubbed in the audio, basically.  Shemp turns around so the audience can see the giant hole in his pants, and he ends up sitting in the tub again.  Another scene that went on for too long.  This has to be one of the most bizarrely edited Stooge films I've seen lately.  Another classic that I should watch more often, just as soon as I complete my DVD collection.

-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

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