Friday, May 02, 2014

Short Reviews - April 2014

Crap!  My taxes!!!

You've Been Trumped - Fortunately, I didn't have to suffer through the whole thing, but apparently wherever "The Donald" goes, if he sees a beautiful young lady, he thinks and tells his people two things: 1) Is she pageant quality? and 2) Is she employee quality?  Just remember, young people... you are your résumé.

Ghosts Can't Do It - Wow... "The Donald"'s in that?   I guess that means it's classy...

The Day of the Jackal - One of the subplots... spoiler alert... involves a young lady seducing a member of DeGaulle's security team and giving updates to the bad guys.  If only it was worth it to do that to Donald Trump... great tie-in, eh?  Beauty!

Man of Steel - ...I dunno.  Does this deserve its own entry?  Probably.  But in case I don't get around to it, the future of cinema is clear.  More collateral damage.  The more, the merrier.  And why?  Because it creates jobs.  Jobs for already overworked digital animators, and the masseuses who work on them.  But there was one moment that still sticks to me.  When this planet Krypton is breaking down, Superman's father retorts "No one cares."  Something to that effect.  Not that anyone on earth can relate to that, of course, for at least the next 20 years.

Big Trouble in Little China - One thing I like to do is review other peoples' lists.  Fer instance, there's a list out there of ten great movies that were flops.  They got a few of them right, like Citizen Kane and The General.  Duck Soup probably belongs on that list as well.  Big Trouble in Little China, on the other hand, so does not.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - Same list.  Released in 2005, it's the youngest addition to that list.  I guess it's too soon to put Draft Day or Pompeii or the Endless Love remake on the list.  But that's how you're supposed to do a list like this!  You make #1 the best choice you can, and #2 is something recent and/or a publicist's current suggestion.

Rush Hour 4 - ...holy crap!  It's actually in the works!  I was just going to suggest you get Jonah Hill to take over for Chris Penn's character, if you can get him.

Spaceballs - I coulda sworn I wrote this already.  Apparently not, so here goes.  Just saw on Facebook that May 4th is "Star Wars Day."  Am I the only one who remembers when Spaceballs came out in 1987?  Probably.  At that time, the critics asked "It's been four years since Star Wars.  Is a parody of it even relevant anymore?"

Cruising - On Facebook currently they keep having these ads for something called "Conservative Daily."  They say, "Click Like if you're an Al Pacino fan!"  I'm guessing they're not fans of Cruising.

Double Dragon - With the police chief of Malibu... real reactionary type

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes - Here we go again.....

Stephen King's Thinner - Actually, King's looking a little chunky these days...

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe - Skeletor diet?  Sign me up!

The Bonfire of the Vanities - The REAL Masters of the Universe

Almost Famous - According to the IMDb, writer director Cameron Crowe promised to give Eric Stoltz a role in every one of his movies.  Well, what about THIS ONE????

Elizabethtown - And THIS ONE?!!!!

Vanilla Sky - And THIS ONE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We Bought a Zoo - And THIS ONE?!?!?!?!?!!!!?????!!!!!!!

Untitled Cameron Crowe Project - And THIS ONE?!!!!!!

The Wild Life - And TH... oh, wait.  He's in this one.... he is?  Ewwwwwww!!!!!!!

The Longshots - First of all, there's only one Longshot, and second, it's the nail in the collective coffins of the street cred of Ice Cube and Fred Durst.  Why don't they do Daddy Day Care 3 together and get it over with?

John Carter (of Mars) - On The Onion, they have a link to a list of eight box office disasters.  Surprisingly, John Carter is not on the list.  Maybe it's because of Pixar, maybe it's because of Disney, who knows.  Also, The Lone Ranger didn't make the cut.  Maybe because of Disney... this could go on for years!

White Sands - All this time I thought Kevin Costner was in this movie!  What was I thinking?  Boy!  Some movie reviewer I am!

Barney's Version - I'm just a sucker for Mordecai Richler's stuff, but I have yet to see all of Joshua Then and Now.  I don't think my dad liked this movie as much, because at one point we took a break and I said "Pretty good movie, huh?"  Well, he looked at me as though I just told him that I took a giant dump on the kitchen table.  You know, as though I had said "Geez!  Was it only three hours ago that we had corn?  Boy, that goes through fast!"

The Love Guru - Another honorable mention.  Mike Myers' character in this one made it onto a list of the most offensive movie characters of all time... including Cretaceous and Devonian.  Personally, there's probably more offensive characters out there that were more deserving of this listing, but these lists are typically subjective.

Johnson Family Vacation - I'm with you, Solange!... if only because I don't know any better.

The Zoo Gang - Watch out for them Koch brothers!  They apparently don't care for the zoos.

A Million Ways to Die in the West - This made it onto the coveted "2014 Films I don't Give a Damn About" list.  Which begs the question... what films do they give a damn about in 2014?  They'd better be good!... welp, looks like not an indie cult classic in the bunch.  Oddly enough, The Lego Movie made both lists.  FLIP-FLOPPER!!!!!

The Cobbler - As of this writing, it says "Plot kept under wraps."  Well, if Adam Sandler's in it... I'm guessing he's going to play some sort of (cobbler?) loser, probably with kids and a supermodel-grade wife.  Picked on by the constant stream of O'Doyles, poor rich bastid.

The Curse of the Jade Scorpion - Woody would like to offer the following amendment to his now famous advice: if you are A CELEBRITY LIKE HIM, 90% of it is showing up.

Die Another Day - Okay, time to cannibalize another movie list.  This one's the coveted "15 of the most Ridiculous films that Actors Should be Ashamed of."  Boy, do people hate this movie!  Kinduva shame, because it's got the coolest gadgets.

Gigli - No argument there.

Catwoman - ...tee hee hee.  They're just picking on Halle Berry again, aren't they?  What's a purdy girl to do?

Green Lantern - $200 million budget?  Where'd it go?  Music rights?  I disagree with the following statement: "Bankable action hero Ryan Reynolds."  He'll always be Van Wilder to me.

X-Men: The Last Stand - Oh, puh-leeeeeeeeeeeeeeze.  Brett Ratner's directed far more embarrassing fare than that.

Waterworld - At least you have that sense of relief when they find land at the end!

The Lone Ranger - Oh, boo hoo.  Just because it was a little expensive.

Jack the Giant Slayer - They paid to be on the list, didn't they?

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within - This one paid to be on the list.

Land of the Lost - Now, now... Will Ferrell hates it too!  He just doesn't dwell on it as much as others.

The Adventures of Pluto Nash - Well, at least it's not Best Defense this and Best Defense that anymore, right?  No token Brits in this one!

Heaven's Gate - I think this list is confused.

A Good Day to Die Hard - Well, at least it's not Hudson Hawk this and Hudson Hawk that, right, Bruce?

Suburban Commando - ...(sniff, wipe away tear) and I thought I was the only one that remembered this movie!

Judge Dredd - I'm not a big enough fan of the comic book to complain.  Hey, at least it's not all Stop! Or My Mom will Shoot this and... Cobra that!  Hah!  Fooled ya.  Okay, on to the celebrities that destroyed themselves through plastic surgery... Axl Rose?!!  Go figure.

Dangerous Game - Now, I haven't seen this one, but surely it belongs on the list.  Actually, Madonna didn't make the list at all!  Save for Die Another Day, but her cameo as the fencing instructor wasn't even mentioned!  How totes unfair's that?!

Stepmonster - I love the plot description: "Todd Dougherty has an imagination driven by comic book(s)."  So refreshing, isn't it, ladies?  Of course, this was just a few decades before Hollywood became almost completely driven by comic books, mind you.  It's a period piece now!

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