The Fast and the Furious celluloid soap opera about cars hit the theaters. Now I know they can't carry on without Paul Walker and all that... but Daddy's gotta eat, right? And... well, well, well! I don't say that lightly, but look at Mark Antony's... I mean, Vin Diesel's IMDb page! There they are, right at the top... the long promised Hannibal Barca story, and not one, but TWO Fast and Furious sequels! I guess they still got it. Well, they got a hundred million reasons to not walk away just yet. The good one to stay? Have any of the characters had a baby yet? Well, Diesel won't walk away until it stops being fun... or the right person goes "He's lookin' kinda old!" Just think of Roger Moore as James Bond, who did it until he was sixty, the old pervert...
Meanwhile, back at the lab... the only other debut this week is called Gifted... no, not the 2014 one, there's one for 2017 now. Chris Evans, in between projects for Marvel Studios, wanted to do a small film. You know, not for an Oscar(TM)(R) necessarily... maybe start small with one of those indie awards, like the Palme d'Or or Slamdance or Sundance or something, THEN work your way over to an Oscar(TM)(R). That's a good way to go, right? RIGHT? Well, I'm reminded of my showbiz friend who I toiled in the salt mines with for a while, who said he doesn't like Ron Howard's stuff... just the jealousy talking, Ronny. Just the jealousy. Well, I don't like Marc Webb's stuff. Sure, not as much as I don't like, say... Zack Snyder's stuff, but still. Sure, he's hot and all that, and also a crucial part of the new Marvel Studios universe... you know, with the new Peter Parker playing with lasers and what not... but his work's kinda too cutesy. We started watching that "Limitless" show, and it was too cutesy. But, on the bright side, I finally know how the human brain works! I mean, when you pump it full of that awesome new smart drug! It's almost as if your brain is connected to the internet! Too bad we still need books so much. And you know how at the end of each episode the guy always would say "No, I'm not a microbiology neurosurgeon, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn(TM) Express(R) last night"? Priceless(TM). (MasterCard(R)(TM)(c))
Meanwhile, in Trumpland(TM)(R), Trump's army continues to rebel. I mean, what sick bastard leaked to the press that the MOAB bomb wasn't Trump's doing? At all? Bad (AND sick) people. But the big news right now is that North Korea's missile-type canisters failed to launch this weekend. I don't know how North Korea fits into Comrade Trump's Russia-based world-view purview, but somehow I'm thinking Putin's got it under control. But I just had one of my usual flashes of brilliance, which is why I'm nowhere near the Oval Office. If my generals informed me that North Korea actually was a threat, I might want to issue a statement saying something snarky like "Boy, you know... it's unfortunate that North Korea's missile launch was such an unmitigated disast... I mean, non-success. And on the grandfather's birthday, no less! I just hope he's not up in Heaven right now looking down... or down in Hell right now looking up at us, because his ghost would probably be disappointed. I mean, sure, he's busy with other-worldly affairs right now. In Heaven, it's harp lessons and watching all of humanity. In Hell, he's in that room where they say "Okay, everybody, back on your hands and knees" after coffee break. But let this be a lesson for the rest of you out there who also want nuclear weapons, like Iran, and... Iran, mainly. They're really more trouble than they're worth, and you just end up isolated from the rest of the world, much like North Korea, looking like a sad loser." Damn. It's hard to be presidential. Meanwhile, Mr. Trump continues to rack up Frequent Flier Tax Dollars for his weekend golfing excursions down to America's wang, Florida. How much is it now? 22 million dollars? You know, Obama only cost taxpayers 97 million over eight years, and he's not even a successful businessman... you know, a billionaire like Trump. Well, billionaires aren't made of money, either, I guess. Remember the big stink that was raised about how Nancy Pelosi shouldn't be the Speaker of the House because she's from California? How'd that work out? What was the cost? See? No one cares, because there was no cost.
Now I've said this a couple times before, I'm sure, but Trump's like the bad doctor in the Three Stooges who's going to pull Shemp's tooth, and he says "Okay, we're gonna tie this string around the tooth, and then tie the other end around this door knob, okay?" And Shemp asks "Is it gonna hurt, doc?" And the doc... or President Trump... says "Not at all, I won't feel a thing." Sorry about recycling like that, but I figure, if my dad can do it, so can I. Seriously, we've been sending his same letter to different newspapers for about a month now. Okay, I'll give you a sneak peek: it involves that old George Costanza line about how "it's not a lie if you believe it." You WILL care! You will!
One last thought: I keep going back to Grace Jones' line about... I'm sorry, I mean Omarosa Manigault. I miss Grace Jones. No, let's get back to Omarosa Manigault. She's apparently a volleyball player, and now a top adviser to the President of the United States. So what's Kayleigh Mack-a-ninny? Chopped liver? Kayleigh actually finished her degree, for God's sake! Anyway, Donald Trump had clearly conquered the business world, as his biography and several of his enablers will tell you. How he did it, or what he pretended to do for a living kinda doesn't matter, really. Something about being a landlord, I think. But when you're a conquerer of worlds like that, what do you look for? Why, another world to conquer, of course! And somehow the prestige of the business world wasn't doing it for him anymore. Time to try politics. And as you might remember, Omarosa said something about how the American presidency (might as well go with the best, right?) is akin to being... I want to make sure I get this one right. From Wikipedia, it says "It is the ultimate revenge to become the most powerful man in the universe." That's right, folks. When you're President of the United States, your purview includes our colonies in the Pleiades, the Andromeda Galaxy, and even EGS8p7, oddly enough! Damn... gotta change my password now! Why do you think Trump spent so much time in Vegas? To be near Area 51, of course! Derrrr! That's where they keep the special portal for communicating with the Pleiades and the Andromeda Galaxy and what not. As we speak, President Trump is scrambling to try and smuggle a white dwarf into our Solar System so he can corner the market on conflict diamonds. Take that, Pat Robertson! I mean, it's like a yuge chunk of uncut diamond! He's going to make a staircase out of that sh... stuff. So remember kids, forget the private sector. The American presidency's where it's at, kids! Most powerful job in the universe.
Tune in next week for: so, if Trump pissed on the bed in the room that Obama stayed in in that Russian hotel... well, God only knows what the White House's furniture must look like now.