The Oscar clock keeps ticking away as my deliberations continue, but every once in a while there's regular news to take a look at, and seeing as how it's an issue that needs urgent addressing I'm going to take it off the back burner here and now. As you all know, there has been much buzz about my old column run years ago under the heading of "Who's Your Daddy?" and at that time I may have been the first blog to speculate about the father of Melissa Etheridge's child as either David Crosby or Pee-Wee Herman. I was at least in the top 3; it was a 3-way tie between Daily Kos and that fat Drudge bastid. Well, here I go making web history again: this time I will be the first blog to speculate as to the father of Mary Cheney's future child, and my inside-the-beltway sources tell me the now famous right-wing demagogue Stephen Colbert is indeed the father. Now, it begs the million dollar question: did she actually purchase Stephen Colbert's Formula 401, or was it a promotional gift? The only way we can find out is to appeal to the source himself, and a man of Colbert's caliber has not one, but two big websites devoted to himself: colbertnation.com, and the Comedy Central official site. Hard to say which site the man pays more attention to, so we're just going to have to make some noise at both of them. The time to act is now, people! And Mr. Colbert, if you're reading this, isn't it time you came clean with the American people on this? At long last, sir, have you the balls? Are you going to do the right thing and marry Ms. Cheney? That baby's not going to raise itself by its teeny, teeny bootstraps, sir!
All right, moving on. We've got a lot of Oscars to predict, so it's time for Round two of my predictions. (page Down for Round One...) I predict that Sherry Lansing WILL be present to receive this year's Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award, because this year she's shown as much courage as Dr. Christian ever did. Ennio Morricone will also be present to receive his honorary award. The Academy will try and try in vain to convince the world that it's for the score to S.N.A.K., but really, we all know it's for the recent digital remastering of The Good, The Bad and the Ugly, thanks again to a robust web-based ballot box stuffing.
For the short films, I'll pick 'em the way the Academy voters do: they go with the most Oscar-sounding title. For Live Action, it's Binta and the Great Idea. Animated, it's down to The Little Matchgirl and No Time for Nuts. It's been a contentious battle, but I think the current wave of anti-Chaplin sentiment in Hollywood will eventually be overlooked and The Little Matchgirl will win out, so that's who gets the statuette.
Sound mixing and editing, the same cabal of PTC2 nerds will plunder this category.
Best Supporting Actor? Well, it's a tough field this year and there are five very deserving nominees, but I'm going with the underdog because everybody loves an underdog story, and there is no bigger underdog than that shrimpy dude from Breaking Away! Why, I can see all the other bicyclists passing him now as it plays on the DVD player in my mind. The gold goes to Jackie Earle Haley.
Adapted screenplay: I don't think the Oscars are ready for a comedy to win, and especially not Borat since it would mean five statuettes, and of course more films like Borat, and even I don't think I'm ready for that. Same goes for Children with Men. In calling it, I'd better lay my cards on the table: here's hoping for that Departed sweep. The Departed takes the gold.
And last but not least tonight, Original Screenplay. Well, off the top I know who I DON'T want to win. Sorry to shout, but I feel strongly about this. Paul Haggis, hasn't he been accoladed to death yet? And that's just for L.A. Law and Due South. I love that show. I remember the time Leslie Nielsen was on there, being his own funny-ass self. Anyway, I also don't want Little Miss Sunshine to win. I don't know why. I think it's just too perfect and it'll set a bad precedent like Borat. I don't want The Queen to win, because we all know Helen Mirren's going to win for acting anyway. Can't have it both ways. That leaves Babel and Pan's Labyrinth in a Battle-Royale of the Buzz. Incidentally, why wasn't Battle Royale nominated for anything? A glaring omission on the Oscar's part, I think, especially given the popularity of poker, and swing music's second comeback since 1998. Oh well. Anyway, I'm also predicting a Labyrinth sweep. Two sweeps in one year! How lucky can one guy get? Labyrinth takes all its noms, including this one. Eat it, Brothers Grimm!
Okay, I gotta go but stay tuned for more Oscar pics. Boy, you should see my computer monitor! All the letters and underlines are slipping. Guess my computer forgot to take its meds. Peace out. :)
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