Friday, December 21, 2007

NOW we're talking!

Oh yeah. (Awe yeah?) My man Will Smith doesn't disappoint with the latest variation on... The Omega Man? I don't know. All I know is he's gone from I, Robot to I Am Legend. And with 77 million in the bank, would it kill you to throw a bone to DJ Jazzy Jeff? Why, even Kid 'n Play look out for each other!
Okay, better give a shout out to someone behind the scenes, and this time I choose Mark Protosevich. Looks like he's finally in the fold after the disastrous Poseidon, and, well, I guess The Cell wasn't a disaster, but it was like 7 years ago! WTF!? Anyway, you're the new Steve Tesich. Hope you like non-stop women and caviar! (N-S W&C) Your stomach will grow large and distended and Hollywood'll have a big bowl of Screenwriter Paté.
Meanwhile at #2 it's Alvin and the Chipmunks. It's a family film, 2B sure, and I'm just glad they didn't go for cheap laughs like about chipmunk shit in the oatmeal-raisin cookies. Oh wait....*
At #3 we got... what do we got? G.Comp: The Golden Compass. Slowly but surely making back its catering budget. And in a nod to American Pie co-director Chris Weitz there's this part where a monkey gets its tail caught in an eclair... something like that. It's cute. No, really! Then Finch goes home to use the bathroom... Total homage time.
Oh dear. Enchanted is clearly fallign on hard times, as its glass slipper has slipped to #4. However, it's the odds-on favourite for crossing the 100 million barrier. The only other film that comes close is I Am Legend.
And now, the Maxim Magazine review of our #5 entry, No Country for Old Men
Maxim sez: Normally I hate the films of those effete intellectuals the Coen Brothers. What a phony name. I bet they're not really brothers. But you know what? (YKW?) This has got to be the best date movie I've seen in a long time. And believe me, I tried. I took this black chick to see This Christmas, and she gave me a real shiner! Anyway, more about that later. Here's why NCfOM rocks: it's got the best pick up line ever, uttered by the uber-masculine James Brolin, who tells his girlfriend "You keep running that mouth of yours, and I'm gonna take you in back and screw you!" I just wept copious tears. I hadn't cried so hard or loud since my rich Aunt Mabel died and left me a fraction of her fortune. A+!
... or was it FHM? Or maybe Stuff? I always get those mixed up.
As for 6 to 10, well, guess we just better get through it. FUBU Christmas cinema is the order of the day with #6 and #7, The Perfect Holiday and This Christmas. This gives Tyler Perry an idea! Something like, Tyler Perry's A Merry Damn Madea Kinda Christmas.
At #8, it's Fred Claus, or as I like to think of it, The Santa Crashers. Only 68.9 million in the bank? Hmm! Seems like it shoulda made more than that by now. Oh well. That's how it goes sometimes.
#9 brings us Atonement. But that's okay, because apparently it's going to clean up at the Golden Globes. Eat it, NCFOM! Well, as long as Kiera doesn't have her damn mouth open all the time like in the Pirates movies.
And finally at #10, it's Once, the little movie that could. So many movies to watch, so little time.

Ah, screw it, Grandma's Boy is coming on cable here in a second. Peace out, my peeps.

* #2 indeed!

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