Sunday, December 23, 2007

What I want foR 'Xmas

ell, I would like to get that kick-ass new Bat Bike from the upcoming New Batman part 2 (or as it's known in the biz, Batman 6), but you know how it is. I'm getting on in years, and a thing like the new Bat-Cycle, as kick-ass as it is, it's a Young Man's Game (YMG). No more of them Crotch Rockets (CRs) for me! I'm still using those damn ice packs! Those special Retro-Crotch Fitted (RCF) Ice Packs! (RCFIP?) And besides, there's the insurance, there's the whole getting a new garage thing. Don't kid me! I know Ferris Bueller. You think those goofballs are gonna leave well enough alone? (LWEA) No! Every two-bit garage owner and mechanic's going to be lined up around the block waiting to pay a small fee to ride shotgun on that thing. Shotgun? On bikes?Anyway, that's how out of it I is. Maybe strap a nice oily sidecar to it, charge more; special extra-wide sidecar for fat chicks.
Meantime, can I have Sweeney Todd be #1 at the box office for Xmas? Is that too much to ask? ... Spoke too soon! It was too much to ask. Apparently, Nic Cage is now the nation's Uncle with war stories to tell, and he waters them down just enough for the kids... Nat'l Treasure 2. NOW can Turteltaub be in the DGA? Pleeeeeeze?
Hoh, boy. 18 pages from JWB's diary, huh? Shouldn't that be ... EIGHTEEN AND A HALF PAGES?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
While all that's goin' on, I Am Legend slightly slips to #2. Now, that's all well & good, and Smith's got his street cred back from the whole Happyness debacle, but could you have gone with a more modest title?
A & the C at #3. Jason Lee's the new Brendan Fraser, don't kid yourselfves. (DKY)
Charlie Wilson's War at #4. Let's Face It (LFI), people just don't wanna laugh anymore. I think people are burned out on any kind of comparison with our current White House Administration. Look at Lions for Lambs! Better yet, save yourself heartbreak: don't look at Lions for Lambs!
Hanks & Nichols together for the first time, I think. With Julia Roberts in tow. Are Hanks and Nichols part of The Soderbergh Rat Pack yet?*
And to round out the top 5 this week, it's my beloved Sweeney Todd. Or as I like to think of it, Sleepy Hollow 2. Only with singing, apparently. Yecch!
Can you believe it? (CYBI?) They knocked my beloved NCFOM off the top 10. It's assassination, I tells ya! But you know what? (YKW) It's all good because it's gonna win 15 Oscars, and it's at #14 in the IMDb Top 250! All right, let's get to the rest of this garbage...
At #6 it's P.S. I Love You. This has gotta be a remake. Another one of those that sneaks in under my radar. Dayamn! And I thought I was hip! ...okay, I get what this is. Another one of those Kennedy Compound exposés, right? Right, LaGravenese?
At #7 it's Enchanted. So close to the 100 million barrier. Sorry, Barry, ol' Will did it in two weeks! Suck on that!
At #8 it's Dewey Cox. Man, the Kasdan clan sure has fallen on hard times. Even harder than Cox himself! Get it?....
Golden Compass at #9. Bet they didn't see that coming! No matter what nautical instruments they were using. Man, I haven't seen something bomb that hard since Pluto Nash. ...okay, to be fair, G. Comp's not bombing THAT badly...
And finally at #10, it's the critic's beloved Juno. I hate this movie. I don't know why, and I haven't seen it, and it's already on the Top 250, but I still hate this movie. Maybe because I've seen the trailer, like, five times already. Maybe it's perfect. Maybe it's a little too perfect, know whut I mean, Vern? Maybe I'm just jealous of Ivan Reitman's kid. Or maybe I'm just sick of abortions! Or maybe I'm still upset that Bateman got the part instead of Tucker Carlson. Or maybe I'm just sick of these Forces of Nature with names like Diablo Cody... shyeah, that's his real name... who waltz into town, go on Letterman, charm the pants off him, and get a movie deal, so they kinda tweak the autobiography in their head and turn it into one of those movies that tries to tackle a tough subject head on but end up dancing completely around it, throwing as many pre-digested clichés as they can to stick onto it, so by the end you've completely divested your Suspension of Disbelief, and caring for the characters, and just wanna get the hell out of there when the end credits roll and beat the rush of traffic exeunting the theater!
And by the way (BTW), it's The United States of LELAND!
Sorry, must just be the stress talkin'. Happy blogging to you all this holiday season. Remember! The days're getting longer again! Hallelujah! :)
* moron that later... I'm biz-ee!

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