Sunday, December 30, 2007

Short Reviews - December 2007

"Remember me, Jen. We may meet in another life, but not again in this one."
-The Dark Crystal

It's come to my attention that cable programmers are having entirely too much fun. Four Sandra Bullock movies in a row? I hate being the straight man here paying through the nose each month for that! And on top of that, they're pointing out all the Action Movie Clichés to boot! Why, just the other day there was this muscular babe on there... well, maybe a little too muscular for my taste. I prefer a girl I could beat up if I had to. Seriously, though, there's what they call The Kamikaze, which is that Cliché Character who sacrifices himself in an oh-so-glorious cinematic way, like Randy Quaid in Independence Day. I thought he survived that! They also cited Mystery Men, but just so they could make barely scatological jokes about giving up your ball for the Greater Good (GrGo). Right, Tom Green? What was the other one? Oh yeah, T2. So-called Movie Kamikazes apparently end up living most of the time.

The cliché that this all puts me in mind of, is the Unwilling Hostage (UnH) I'll dub it for the time being. Take Tim Robbins in Nothing to Lose, or Cate Blanchett in Bandits. They're usually driving a car, and they usually say "Go ahead! Shoot me. I don't care." For some reason, you don't see too much of that anymore. The Tightly Woven Moral Fabric of the Universe (TWMFU) must not've liked that a whole lot. Plus, in the theater, some of the action sequences in Bandits were a little too blurry for my tastes. WTF, Spinotti? Shame on you! Didn't you shoot Heat (1995) ? For shame! That's it, you're out of the AIC.

Anyway, back to the Brevity. The whole Brevity thing. With the unfortunate assassination of Benazir Bhutto, Hollywood is no doubt going to respond in kind. So, who gets to play Bhutto? Jolie or Zeta-Jones? My money's on Jolie. Of course, she's probably busy with Tomb Raider 3, but we can always wish, can't we?

Levity - Billy Bob with long hair. Never saw it.

Goya's Ghosts - Shame on you, Milos! You DID direct something after Man on the Moon after all!

Man on the Moon - Classic. Man, Carrey really nailed it.

Fun with Dick and Jane (2005) - I have a feeling Kubrick would've really loved this. Best homage to The Dawn of Man he never saw.

Speed 2: Cruise Control - Worst Dorf video ever!

Two if by Sea - Denis Leary's A River Runs Through It. Say, Denis, you recall what Dr. Dre's two word review of this was? ;)

Arachnia - Not to be confused with Arachnophobia. Brett Piper not to be confused with Brett Leonard, or Steven Paul.


Double Trouble - Not to be confused with the one with Van Damme. Not to be confused with Think Big, either. Right, Turtlehead? Heh heh heh ... ;)

Oh no! They cancelled Kenny vs. Spenny!

Soulja Boy? No, no. After all the years we spent trying to forget Sister Souljah... This will not stand!

Hardy Men - Finally! All those years that Stiller devoted to doing a Tom Cruise impression are finally paying off!

Banger Sisters, The - Now Goldie's Almost Famous!

"Hell date" - it's Da Bomb, so I've heard... Remember, Whitey! 'Def' is dead.

National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets - Oh great. Now Turteltaub's thinking, See Jerry? I toldja we should've filmed 2 and 3 together! Aw, c'mon, Teach! Please please please...

Short Time - Burt Simpson? Great name ...

The Rock - Goodspeed! Great name ...

Terms of Endearment - Flap Horton? Great name ...

Point Break - Johnny Utah? Great name ...

Point Blank - Man, I'm always confusing those two...

And finally, one last fond farewell to Adrienne Shelly. 'Til we meet again, my sweet. Meantime, everyone A) go to Adrienne Shelly's website and Give Till It Hurts (GTIH) and b) catch up on her back catalog: The Unbelievable Truth, Trust, Waitress, Factotum, Tiger: His Fall & Rise, Rock the Boat, Sudden Manhattan, The Road Killers, Teresa's Tattoo... um, not Hexed. You can all just skip Hexed.

Meantime, to all you homicidal maniacs out there, couldja just stop killing people for a while? Ya think? Too much to ask? Thought so.

No comments: