Saturday, March 15, 2008

And in the naked light I saw 10,000 BC, maybe more...

Nothin'? All right, folks, the pernt is...
Where was I? Oh yeah. Too much damage has gone on for too long, so it's back to the blogging. Meanwhile, the tabloids are putting Swayze in a corner. C'mon, Dubya! Stem cells could save the Swayze!
But I digress once again to pursue a bitter partisan agenda. Let's get back to the news proper like. No surprise here, 10,000 BC kicked some major ass at the box office this week! I'd say it stomped some mammoth ass, but it was indeed the mammoths that did the ass-stomping instead! Clearly there hath been naught like it since 2003's Best Picture winner, LOTR:ROTK as the kids lovingly blog about it. A $75 million budget for this one, mostly for the CGI it seems; clearly Emmerich's taken a hit for his last inconvenient blockbuster, The Day After Tomorrow. Not a name in the cast, apart from Cliff Curtis, and Omar Sharif! As narrator no less! What, caveman poker tricks?
At #2, or rather the #1 (family) comedy this week it's Disney(TM)'s College Road Trip. And its killer app of course is that cute somersaulting pig. Way to offend the Pork Lobby, Disney! I hope you're happy.
At #3, or rather, the #1 Presidential Assassination comedy this week, is Vantage Point. Steep drop-off in the numbers, folks; we're under 10 million. Let's get that economy rolling again, people! On the plus side, we're still knee-deep in Dennis Quaid's second career, and Matthew Fox is not only happy that he's getting work since... what was that prissy Fox soap opera that he was in? Table for One? ...Party of Five, that was it. So, Fox is not only happy that he's gotten work since Party of Five, but that no one else from that show is! Owwch....
At #4 it's the #1 heist serio-comedy pic of the week, The Bank Job. What? No Jet Li? When are he and Statham gonna get together again? Oh, that's right, I forgot, Fearless was Jet Li's last epic. Broad farce for him for now on. Sorry, ladies, The Brazilian Job is the Handsome Rob sequel we're waiting for. One more year, I guess.
At #5 it's the #1 Will Ferrell sports comedy, Semi-Pro. Is he still the 20 million dollar man, Hollywood? Guess we'll have to wait for Step Brothers to find out. BYKW? (But, you know what?) It's all good, because Costco's going to sell this with Ricky Bobby and Kicking & Screaming in a Multi-Pak. Though, it would sell better with a fourth sports movie. Maybe just have a documentary disk on the three movies. There's your fourth disc, there's your 4-Pak.


And now for the rest. At #6 it's the #1 children's fantasy adaptation pic, and it's Spiderwick. I can't keep up on all these. My kids are waiting for that Captain Underpants movie. Or a Reid Fleming Milkman movie. Either one will do.
At #7 it's the #1 Victorian Era drama, Boleyn Girl. All I know is, it's no Girl with the Pearl Earring. Nuff said.
At #8 it's the #1 non-Star Trek-related teleportation pic, Jumper. I just hope Liman didn't go for points on this one.
At #9 it's the #1 MTV dance drama of the week, Step Up 2. Is that the proper genre? Along with Stomp the Yard, Save the Last Dance, Honey, She's All That. Maybe Costco will shrink-wrap all of those together too.
And finally at #10 it's the #1 ... Indiana Jones clone, Fool's Gold. Is that the proper genre? Probably not. But it is for the entire family. The kids will enjoy the action, and the parents will enjoy how the two leads try to repair their broken relationship. And the grandparents can reminisce about all the other Donald Sutherland movies they've ever seen in their life. As for me, I'm going to wait for my girlfriend to check this one out, and find a nice fluffy pillow to rest me head for when I fall asleep within the first 3 reels. And on that note, nighty night to the rest of you!

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