Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Short Reviews - Sep. '08

In some tragic news this week: Amelie and Lola ran into each other on a street in Madrid, Spain and they both instantly exploded. Makeup and feminine wiles were scattered everywhere. However, on the plus side, Tyler Perry, David E. Kelley and Stephen J. Cannell have entered a veritable Screenwriter Thunderdome. Three titans of all screens big and small enter, one prolific jackass leave! I think they'll get greeted by David Mamet of all people. I'm still waiting for his take on Jekyll and Hyde with Judd Law! Time for short reviews.

Oh, oh! Before we get to that, it's time for another Maxim Magazine review. This time, of the 1997 HBO movie, Don King: Only in America with Ving Rhames as Don King.

"This otherwise unremarkable movie contains the single greatest line of dialogue ever uttered on the stage or the silver screen in the history of the world. Scene: Don King (Rhames) is in a bathroom, about to negotiate a deal. He finishes taking a leak and goes to shake the guy's hand. The guy, taken aback, says 'Whoa, whoa! You didn't wash your hands!' The King replies, 'I wash my hands BEFORE I touch my di¢k.' I wept openly for days. That single line makes Shakespeare look like a pussy. Even including Titus Andronicus. Bravo, Mr. King! Bravo."

Okay, on to the short reviews.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno - I know it's too early, but here goes anyway: Oscar committee, stop the search. You have your 2008 Best Picture nominee!

Burn After Reading - Only -11 days to g... oh, right...

A Serious Man - I figure it's about 330 days to go. And Roger's back! Oh, thank God the bitter feud is over.

Hari Puttar: a comedy of terrors - Go, Underdogs!

Eagle Eye - shia gets into another fiery car crash...

The Chronicles of Riddick - David Twohy's Lord of the Rings: Return of the King... only better?

Righteous Kill - Yeah, they list the eight classic movies that DeNiro and Pacino have done. Will this be the ninth? Shyeah, right! And monkeys might fly out of my butt. Although, it would make a good 9 DVD-pack. Or Blu-Ray. Get on it, Costco!

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist - But, Bleeker! Where's Juno? Divorced already? Say it isn't so!

Appaloosa - You know what? Ed Harris as John McCain! Of course, they'll have to make his face asymmetrical somehow. Good luck, Rick Baker!

An American Carol - Chris Farley's brother, you should be ashamed of yourself. But, seeing you on Spike Feresten's show recently, I guess you're not.

A Christmas Carol - More mo-cap madcap madness from Zemeckis? I'm so there! ... maybe. If I'm not busy that weekend.

Surfer, Dude - EDtv part 2: Toke, Caution

The Brothers Bloom - In Bruges, pt. 2?

The International - Run Clive Owen Run!!!!

The Soloist - Blatant Oscar Bait. But why? Hasn't Downey Jr. won already? ...oh, right.

The Secret Life of Bees - Tyler Perry's The Secret Life of Bees?

Death Note 2 - Movie or video game?

Proud American - I'm moving to Canada

Igor - Okay, it's not Pixar, but what a cast!

2012 - Stargate 2? I mean, thematically, of course. Another thinking man's blockbuster from the director of ID4 and The Patriot.

Battle in Seattle - Filmed in Vancouver

Andy Barker, P.I. - Lookwell, pt. 2?

Sex Drive - Seriously, is that Andy Garcia's kid?

Kung Fu Hustle 2 - I should've guessed!

Flash of Genius - Now they've gone from sports movies to car movies!...

How to Make a Movie - From the people who brought you Date Movie and Disaster Movie... oh, wait, I'm sorry, actually they're using this movie as a study guide. My mistake.

Ghost Town (1988) - Clearly not as fun...

The Last Mimzy - Too flimsy, not enough whimsy...

Shoot 'em Up - I only saw a few minutes of it, but it was enough to ask myself: a) is it violent enough? I mean, you see the heart and lungs of the bad guy, but can't we see them explode? And b) is it misogynistic enough? I mean, I like Clive Owen and all, but can he really do that with a straight face? I mean, ripping open a woman's shirt and saying "Give your baby something to drink." In the midst of a bloodbath, okay, but still. I guess the video game is better.

2112 - Nope. Still just an awesome album.

Yes Man - Yeah, Jim, it's 1994 all over again, and you're on top of the world. You've saved some money just in case, right?

Beverly Hills Chihuahua - Oh, B.H.C. You're incorrigible!

Viva Shaf Vegas - The dark side of Paul Shaffer. This seems to be the special he's always wanted to make; and now he's done it, and life goes on. So at the very least, interesting as a curio for anyone who's more than a casual fan of the Letterman show. Those Late Night outtakes, well, you'll either like 'em a lot or hate 'em a lot more. Also, keep an ear open for Dr. Hibbert as a limo driver.

I must be forgetting something... oh well.

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