Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Short Reviews - July 2009

There was one movie that actually looked good, that I might want to see, but now I can't remember. Something other than Brüno. DEFINITELY NOT The Goods. (Sorry, Brennan, it's true. To be fair, I felt the same way about Let's Go To Prison.) Frankly, there's been a glut of movie trailers crowding out valuable TV ad space lately! I haven't seen anything like it in quite a while. The economy must be doing well again, especially with all this 'Stupidly' merchandise... hey, sometimes you just gotta make that lemonade to keep the economy going. It's the economy, Stupidly. (Hmm! Maybe I can use that over at Huffington Post and be hailed as a god for 30 seconds!... nah, too late. Besides, it attracts all the wrong people.)
Well, what a depressing end to a lousy month. On the other hand, nothing ever happens in August. I've seen too many of these A&E Biographies in a row, I'm afraid. De Niro, Pacino, Sean Penn, David Letterman. So many popular, famous, beloved celebrities entering their emeritus years with their charities. When is it Tom Green's turn? Anyway, drink plenty of water and other fluids. A couple more days of this heat wave, and some of us will be in the clear.

Michael & Michael Have Issues - So what?

Arthur - I'm trying to come up with the next "If you like Gina Kolata and getting caught in the rain..." Oh, I got a million of 'em, I tells ya. "He's the one they call Johnny Gielgud, he's the one whose acting is all right..."
...okay, I lied. That's the only one I got. Oh my God! He did the SEQUEL! What a faithful butler.

Funny People - I'm a little more intrigued,... but I still don't see 'Blockbuster' written ALL over it.

Danny Deckchair - What, you think you're better than Up?

"Parks and Recreation" - Has it been cancelled yet?

The Great Outdoors - The million dollar question: How does Annette Bening go from this to, say, Valmont? Or even The Grifters? Or as the new Columbia logo? I think we all know the answer to that one... TALENT, baby!

Swept Away(2002) - Castaway with Madonna.

Love and Death - Woody Allen's Barry Lyndon.

My Sister's Keeper - Jane Q?

Gooby - A combination of Goofy and Gumby?

Taking a Chance on Love: The Note II - Saw this while I was waiting in line at the store... oh, Ted McGinley. How far you've fallen. You used to be cool once, right? You were Stan Gable, for God's sake! You were Jefferson D'Arcy even! Oh, there are some who still remember...

Simon Says (2005-6) - For Crispin Glover, it's Friday the 13th Part IV - Part II. But this time, HE gets to be the Jason Voorhees! ...right? Ah, who cares. Close enough.

The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning (2007) - Direct-to-video sequel... how depressing. Willie Nelson was the only one to come back for it!

City Heat - What, not good enough for Blake to direct himself?

"Bite Me with Dr. Mike" - Aw, that's nothin'. This guy doesn't even let himself get bit by a bucketful of piranhas. Why, Steve-O got bitten by a shark and let it hang on for, like, a minute!... okay, a baby shark, but still.

Lassie(2005) - Really? Peter O'Toole in Lassie?

A Perfect Getaway - Another reality show on the big screen.

The Believer - It's either Henry Bean's The Klansman, or Henry Bean's Shock Corridor.

Michael & Michael Have Issues - Nope. Still don't care. If even David Wain doesn't want anything to do with this, how good could it be? Incidentally, how come so many shows on Comedy Central just aren't that funny?

Tosh.0 - Oh, this Tosh.0 kid's got fire in the belly. If he's smart, he'll find a little better vehicle and soon. Even Root of All Evil came to a premature end. On the other hand, how does Jeff Dunham make 30 million dollars in one year? It's just not right.

Funny People - It better be funny!

Julia - Second Oscar for Swilda?

The Turning Point - This got 11 Oscar nominations?

F.I.S.T. - S.U.C.K.S.

Mr. Brooks - The best thing to happen to Portland since The Temp.

(The) Orphan - Coolest kid ever.

"30 Rock" - Your story has become tiresome.

Cycle Psycho - I don't get it! No one from The Onion's reviewed this yet?

Copycat - Not much of a movie, but MAN, does it look great in HD!

Peter Ibbetson - Great title. I THOUGHT I remembered this one! Never saw it, mind you...

MacGruber: The Motion Picture? What, is it going to be 15 seconds just like the skits?

I Love You, Beth Cooper - I'm conflicted. Everyone reviewing this hates it, but Larry Doyle's an ex-Simpsons writer. And you gotta like Paul Rudd! He's... he's not in it? Oh, I'm sorry. His name is Paul Rust... who's Paul Rust? Well, to be fair, there were a lot of 27-year olds where I went to high school, too. As for Chris Columbus, well, why bother pretending you know what normal high schoolers are going through? Go back to your Bicentennial Men and your Harry Potters where you originally painted yourself into a corner.

Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief - That's more like it! :)

It Was a Dark and Silly Night - I don't know why, but I don't like Neil Gaiman. And I know I should, and I haven't read anything of his, so really, I shouldn't feel that way at all. Still...

Hot Tub Time Machine - See, this is exactly why, of the seven major studios, MGM is the omega studio. There's Paramount, Universal, Warner Bros., Disney, 20th Century Fox, Columbia, and MGM. I don't know who places sixth lately. But if MGM didn't have the Bond franchise, it'd have nothing. And even with Bond it teams up with Columbia and others. Why, Warners bought up Strange Brew, Gymkata, and a whole slew of its 80s catalogue. I'm tellin' ya, they're on their last legs! They're FINISHED!

Leprechaun - Some of Jennifer Aniston's best work.

Noise - Henry Bean's Saps at Sea.

The Room(2003) - Everyone's a critic...

The Stoning of Soraya M. - Wow! That was fast. Someone's done a documentary on that nice Hispanic lady who's going to be Obama's first Supreme Court Justice... oh, wait. Not her. That's Sonia S. I mean, ...

The Stoning of Soraya M. - From the genius who brought you the partisan Path to 9/11, comes The Passion of the Persian. But at least it's based on a true book. And who knows? He might never be welcome in Iran ever again, but it's a small price to pay to bring them into the 21st Century.

Amos & Andrew - Suddenly this is relevant again. I can't remember why...

Julie & Julia - Let me take a wild guess... Julie Powell's a pseudonym for ... Rachael Ray?

Year One and Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist - Boy! Talk about two mules from Michael Cera!

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly - I hate to cast aspersions. I know it's critically acclaimed and all, and I know Schnabel's a multi-faceted genius but ... the editor of Elle? Puh-leeze. What next? The editor of Cat Fancy magazine is bedridden with a terminal hairball? The publisher of Motocross magazine was in a freak dune buggy accident and has to have a muffler removed from his rectum? Mel Gibson makes The Passion of the Paparazzi, where a reporter for a movie version of OK! Magazine gets a Gypsy curse placed on them and they start losing weight and the only way they can lift it is by giving someone a cursed slice of Black Forest Cherry cake? Oh wait... hasn't that been done already?

What the heck, let's end on that one. 'night, Mother.

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