Tuesday, July 21, 2009

What if they gave a Harry Potter film and nobody came?

...er, close enough. Couldn't find my copy of Order of the Phoenix. Well, I guess the answer is that it's not going to happen, so no need to ponder on it. We're already past the midpoint of the series where it looked like that very thing WAS going to happen, but now that we're near the end and all... But first, a brief word about Steve Kloves. He's either got the most plum, coveted screenwriting assignment of all Hollywood, or the most boring one in all Hollywood. J.K.'s doing all the work, not him! But since history is written by the winners, I think we're overdue for a Fabulous Baker Boys remake. Now I hate to play Casting Agent here, but we've either got to go with the Broken Lizard guys or The Whitest Kids U Know to star as the new Baker Boys, and get Megan Fox to play the Michelle Pfeiffer role, and get Michelle to play the character's mother. Have her say "Don't make the same mistakes I did." Oscar time. Or if not Megan Fox, maybe someone from American Idol. See? It writes itself!
Anyway, at #1, it's the latest chapter in the HArry Potter saga, and clearly there's no need for a recount this time, because it's one even Transformers clearly wouldn't win. Maybe Bay can buy 4 million tickets and switch places with Ice Age... nah, not in this economy. Maybe two years ago, but not today. But back to Harry Potter. Yes, H.P. reigns supreme once again with the latest, the greatest, most mature and dramatic entry in the long running series. Hmm! Makes those first two look like a coupla piles of puke! And speaking of piles of puke, I Love You Beth Cooper just barely hangs in there at #10, thereby avoiding my year-end wrap-up of films that only managed to hang on for one week on the Top 10. Oh, thank God! I know how humiliating that can be for some. But that's how it works. At least they're paying attention this time, Chris! I probably mentioned this already, but Chris Columbus puts his ass on the line and directs the big-screen adaptation of Rent... really? There's a movie version of it? YES, THERE IS! I've heard it's good; I meant to see it, but I've been really busy lately. And what good were the critics then? They thought it was great, and it does nothing at the box office. Same with Beth Cooper, but hey! At least you got peoples' attention this time! And, as near as I can tell from the trailers, it's the best advertisement for the Hummer yet. C'mon, all you drunk drivers! Commandeer your friend's Hummer today! Let's get something started here!
Well, that's it for debuts this week. Ice Age 3 at #2, boring. Oh, let's see what creature gets thawed out this time and just BARELY eats John Leguizamo. I keep hoping they make it. Transformers 2 at #3... Hmm! I like the numerics of that! Unfortunately, even so close to 400 million in the bank, it's STILL not going to make a profit until 2027. Bruno slips from #1 to #4. Ouch! Clearly Borat was more palatable to the American audience; #1 for the first two weeks. Also there were more shows to go on at that time: SNL and The Daily Show being the two main ones.
And FINALLY, The Hangover overtakes The Proposal for once! Hangover at 5, Proposal falls to 6. But Sandra should still be happy nonetheless. Can you say green light for Miss Congeniality 3?
Public Enemies at #7: more symmetry. It made $7.59 million for a total of 79.5 million in the bank. Next time, Mann, spring for regular film! That digital video's a little streaky for my taste. Did I mention that already? It's still apt. Why not get the kind George Lucas used? That looks pretty good. Of course, with global eyestrain kicking in, who'll be able to tell the difference anyway in the next couple years or so?
Up slips to #8, but finally! They've revealed the budget info. It cost 5 million less than Wall-E, clocking in at 175 million. Dayang is all I can say. But remember, all you Pixar hipsters. Someday you're going to be the old man riding down the stairway tram, forcing to comedically hit it when it comedically stops at that middle step. Oh sure, you won't need to collect Social Security checks (they're all millionaires, you know.) but you'll still be a bunch of old fogies hunched over Mac computers, just typing away. Writing your Pixar blogs.

And since we've already analyzed Beth Cooper at #10, let's end with My Sister's Keeper at #9. Funniest episode of 30 Rock yet. Better stick to the poker, Nick. And bite the big one, Emily Deschanel! Zooey's the Alpha Sister now! But I think you already know that. Yes, while you're stuck playing supporting roles way WAY down in the middle of the credits, Zooey's on to only the biggest and the best of the assignments. At one point in her career she was on her way to bigger and better things, but without a doubt she's way past that point. And lucky girl, I think even the pervs over at Maxim magazine put her on their influential lists! I hear she's going to be the new voice of Garfield in the next Garfield movie. Plot details, you ask? Who cares? The rest of the world's on board. I mean, SOMEBODY'S got to be watching these things!

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