Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Stoning of Sonia S.

Awright! I'm up to 2% of my 1 gigabyte image limit. About time! So, Sonia Sotomayor's big test begins, but I'm sure she can handle those snot-nosed PUNKS on the Legislative Committee. 'Specially that Jeff Sessions... what is this, HuffPo? What's happening to me? It's B.O. time, baby! And what a stinker at #1! Anybody who's anybody is going to give our man in Amsterdam BrĂ¼no a good rating! The Onion gives him a qualified B-... something like that. And even though the IMDb's only given it 5 votes, it's already got a 9.4 out of 10! Why, that'd be like a 94% over at Rotten Tomatoes! And Red Mountain, well, the only thing he ever hated was the 2002 reboot of Rollerball... which I think he reversed opinion on after seeing things the producers' collective way. I may be wrong about that. But Alistair Graham's done it again. Another foreigner takes the greatest prize of all: #1 at the American box office. It's all downhill from here, frankly. Will he do it for a second week like Borat? Not without SNL's help he's not. And they're on hiatus! It's not too late to do the Daily Show / Colbert Report complex. They're back this week, and if you get Colbert to tell his people to make it #1 for a second week... well, if THEY can't pull it off, no one can. Not even Tyler Perry.
I must be missing a snarky comment or two... nope, can't think of anything. And I guess the Ali G movie's already been made. Unless you want to make... the American version? No? Think about it. I gotta keep it short this week, so I'll save my snarky comments for the other debut this week: I Love You, Alice B. Toking on a Brownie. No, that's not it. I love you, J.R.R. Tolkien and the Silmarillion... Damn it! My typing's been falling to pieces exponentially. Gotta write things on paper again, like in the olden days. No, it's the latest from 1492 Pictures' own Chris Columbus. And it's called, I Love You, Beth Cooper! (applause) Fox Atomic? Oh, please. How many subdivisions can Fox really nurture? Besides, I thought they did horror pics. Well, in a way... oh, no he di'int!
And with that in mind, let me turn my wrath NOT to the Home Alone director's latest, but rather... to all those HATERS out there who be raggin' on this movie! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, Ebert and The Onion and the Two Bens, and all the other hipsters just jumping on the We Hate You, Beth Cooper bandwagon. Oh, the movie's too this. Oh, the movie's too that. The characters are too stereotypical. The actions are too... dumb. That may be true. But you just don't understand! This is about Chris Columbus reclaiming his lost childhood! While you and I were covering up the barf in our sandboxes, Chris was at his typewriter. Furiously typing out what would later become Gremlins! And Goonies! All those Great movies starting with 'G'. It's about a simpler time when bullies were bullies, and nerds were nerds, and never the twain shall meet. It's about Stephen King-level clarity. You know who's bad and who's good, and you can still get a good story out of it. Anyone remember Stand by Me? Well, what's that all of a sudden? Chopped liver? Can't all you jaded sophisticates out there suspend your disbelief for just one second? Didn't you ever pine for the girl in high school? Didn't you ever lust in your heart for something you just couldn't have? Or even, for something that even if you ever did get a hold of it, you still wouldn't know what to do with? Was not your high school experience as awkward and full of bumps as this? Was not everyone's? At the very least, DOES THIS FILM NOT TELL A STORY?
On the other hand, where does this fit in Columbus' legacy, as he put it in the The Directors special about him? Does this fall somewhere between Rent and Christmas at the Kranks... wait a second. He had something, ANYTHING AT ALL to do with CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS? As they so often say over at Mad Magazine, YEEEEECCCCCHHHHHHH!!!!!! I owe you an apology, Ebert, the Onion and the two Bens. You were all right. And correct, too.

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