Short Reviews - November 2009

Well, like most of you out there, I'm still in the throes of Tiger Woods fever. Boy, it's much more infective... is that a word? Contagious! TWF is by far more contagious than bird flu, hanta virus and H1N1 combined! But now that I got a little distance on it and I can see some of the forest, here's what I'm thinking. Remember a while ago when Dumbass was still president, and the "statistical value" of a life dropped to 6.9 million? Well, here's what I'm thinking. If Tiger's worth a billion dollars, a billion divided by 6.9 million is 144.92 something. We'll round it up to 145. Therefore, Tiger should be allowed to sleep with 144 other women before all you peons get to pass judgment. I mean, let's not forget! Isn't he, like, the best thing to happen to golf ever? Certainly better than Seve Ballesteros or Bruce Crampton or Gary Player. On to the movies, damn it...

Jessica Simpson: Reality Tour Live - Poor director Bill Fishman. He's gone from making a comedy about Video Aces, to BEING Video Aces!!

The Accidental Husband - Tourist ring a bell?

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans - I don't get it. This should be a direct-to-video sequel, or a new video game. Wonder if Nic got 20 million for this one?

Babylon A.D. - Maybe I'm crazy, but from what little I saw on cable... you know, it wasn't that bad! They got REAL TIGERS, for God's sake!

Pirate Radio - You can buy the 12 CD box set after the show, folks...

Bio-Dome - It is a wacky comedy, and it deserves its place in the permanent rotation of HBO, Cinemax, whatever... still, there's something depressing about a movie where Pauly Shore is the smartest guy in it.

Twilight's Last Gleaming(2005) - Nope. There's two books left.

Planet 51 - Finally! A comedy where people are the aliens. Sorry, (Battle for) Terra.

When In Rome... - Oh, Kristen Bell. You just don't get it, do you? This is the kind of movie that Sarah Marshall was making fun of, damn it! Don't be the next Brittany Murphy!

The Damned United - Well, it's no The Big Green, but I am a sucker for a Nick Hornby soccer comedy

Invictus - Well, it's no The Big Green, but ...

Inception - Damn! I knew I shoulda studied harder during Latin class.

Hereafter - Is Peter Morgan the new... Roland Bass? David E. Kelley? Richard Curtis? No, wait, Curtis is still getting work.

The Day The Earth Stood Still (2008) - Yeah, and the movie did too! You know you're in trouble when Keanu Reeves is the most intersting actor in the damn thing.

BASEketball - I may have said this before, but it bears repeating. Now, you might watch this and think to yourself, boy! For a comedy involving those South Park guys, it was an unfunny piece of crap! Well, to you I say what their agents once told me: that EVERYTHING THE SOUTH PARK BOYS DO IS FUNNY. BASEKETBALL IS FUNNY. CANNIBAL THE MUSICAL IS FUNNY. TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE IS PEE-YOUR-PANTS FUNNY. EVERY EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK IS FUNNY. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, THEN YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR. NO SENSE OF HUMOR AT ALL. YOU ARE A MERE ROBOT WHO NEEDS TO BE TOLD WHAT IS FUNNY AND WHAT ISN'T. IF AN EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK IS NOT FUNNY, IT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT FUNNY, AND YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT FUNNY IS. SOUTH PARK IS FUNNY, ALWAYS WAS FUNNY, ALWAYS WILL BE FUNNY. UNDERSTAND? GOOD.

Run (2010) - McTiernan's directing again! But for me, there's only one Run: 1989's Run with Patrick Dempsey! Get on the bumper! Get on the bumper!!!

Did you hear about the Morgans? - No, but judging from that pedigree, I bet Sandra Bullock feels betrayed that she's not involved!

Brothers - For some reason, it makes me think of the film Kevin Bacon's trying to make in The Big Picture, after the studio changes it so it's all young people.

Braveheart - Watching it now, I put aside my prejudices, but still... boy, does Mel look too old for that part. Too old for Catherine, at the very least.

Clerks 2 - Welp, it took me two years, but I finally finished it. I WANT MY RENTAL MONEY BACK!!