Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Old Dogs go to Heaven

He's a zit! Get it? I don't care what anyone thinks, I STILL say there's a connection. Of course, Wired's already been made, but it's a magazine now, and it seems that everything's being updated for this generation anyhow, so why not make it again. Of course, will Pattinson do like Harry Potter himself and also play Equus on Broadway? Might get a different crowd, though. Oops! Gone too far that time, which means it's time to dissect this frog known as the Top 10 Box Office - American. Sorry, I don't care about the UK market yet. Though it is also important.
Anyway, in a last minute recount, Goats is knocked off by The Road at #10. I guess this means it has indie cred. Looks okay, but I still would've like to have seen what Cronenberg would've done with it. He's got top-secret irons in the fire, so they'll just have to wait. He's hardly a spring chicken anymore! But maybe Viggo'll get the gold this time. Charlize, don't go through with Atlas Shrugged! Be human!
At #9 it's Fantastic Mr. Fox, Clooney's other animal-related 2009 entry. We got Up in the Air coming up next, which completes his 2009 trilogy. I think I asked this already, but it bears repeating, and maybe USA Today can do more with it than I have: is Clooney's 2009 going to be better than his 2005? Will his feud with Soderbergh end amicably? Is Heslov as dynamic a filmmaker? I think I know the answer to that one: what, Faisil from True Lies? That's a joke, right?
Coming in at #8 it's... let me check the window here... Precious. Right. I guess Push was already taken, huh? They're running the happy commercials now, where Precious takes the runway in a Donna Karan. Why, even Wayne Dyer would like that. At #7, it's Planet 51. I'm curious about this one: what does a bad Pixar movie look like? Is the animation still top notch, or does it look like streaky digital video, like that Over the Hedge thing?
And now I don't care. #6 brings us Ninja Assassin, from the Matrix boys acting as producers. Do interviews, guys!
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And finally, the top 5. A Christmas Carol makes back its catering budget with $105 million in the bank. At #4, Old Dogs, from the director of Wild Hogs. To complete his Disney comedy trilogy, director Walt Becker's 2011 pic will be about drunken lumberjacks. It's either going to be called "The Wacky Drunk Lumberjacks Take On the Pacific Northwest" or something else... two words, 2nd word rhymes with dogs and hogs... hmm. I had it here a second ago.
Walt Becker. Proof that nice guys have been finishing last as directors lately. Number 3 is 2012. Well, is there any other discipline that Roland Emmerich can ruin? He's already tackled the new Egyptology, 1776, global warming and now the Mayan calendar. But even HE doesn't want to touch the wrapping up of the Universal Soldier trilogy. No, Peter Hyams' kid'll do that. It's not that Jean-Claude didn't want to work with Peter again, but... he REALLY didn't want to work with him again. But his kid will! What, no one else in Hollywood will?
As for John Cusack, well, is he still dating Rebecca Romijn(-Stamos)? ... and my computer's slowed down. Better save this before I lose it. Boy! His trivia section needs to be updated. But he's got a thing for his costars. He should work with Heather Graham one of these days... don't tell me SHE got married yet!
One more quip about 2012. Cusack's character is named Jackson Curtis... but I bet you anything it's shortened to Jack. As in The Day After Tomorrow, the alpha male's named Jack (Dennis Quaid) and his best buddy's named Frank... ah, yes. Jay O. Sanders in real life is an alpha-male, but it's only a true alpha male that can play the beta male. I loved him in all those things I saw him in, but was paying attention to someone else. 2012 departs from the rigid formula! There's no Frank character! No wonder it's already at #3.
The Blind Side is at #2. Boy, that's gratitude for you. It's already made 100 million, and yet Precious must crawl through the muck and mud to make 10 million. Where's the gratitude, America? Have you fallen back in love with Sandra Bullock that hard? Hmm! Must be! Well, this one's the Oscar movie, but who knows? Maybe The Proposal will get some noms. Fingers crossed for Betty White. If this isn't her year, it never will be. People must still be pissed about Lake Placid or something.
And finally, at #1, for the second week in a row, it's the movie that even Peter Greenaway has a thing for. Twilight: Naked Hairless Guys with their Shirts Off. Who doesn't like that? Which is why I have another bone to pick with the American public. Johnny Depp the sexiest man alive? Does People magazine even read People Magazine? Depp's next film is Alice in Wonderland. Is he sexy in that? Is he as sexy as, say, Taylor Lautner? Answer me that, girls! Exactly. And better yet, he's already made his mark among scientists! They're going to name a new tree after him: Laurus taylori. Or maybe it's Laurus lautneri, I don't know... WHAT?

2 comments:

Mike said...

All dogs go to Heaven is one of the best movies I've ever seen. I first saw it when I was like 3. Now I'm 12 and I rented it, it makes me think of things and it brings back so many memories.
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The Movie Hooligan said...

...wait a minute. You can rent movies at 12 years old? How? Where?