Tuesday, July 06, 2010

The Fangs Have It

Well, little to no surprise there. Has a Harry Potter movie debuted at #2 yet? Maybe the middle series. If I were Chris Columbus I might know it by heart... and get to make experimental films in the process. As Adam Sandler predicted, Twilight 3 mopped up all the excess blood for itself at the ol' box office this weekend. What he might not have predicted is The Last Airbender clocking in at #2! The critics SAVAGED that one... time for Lady in the Water 2, I'm guessing. We'll see what the audiences do to it next week. I mean, let's face it: Toy Story 3's great and all, but what have they done for us lately? Egg-zactly. Hence Airbender's triumph as national babysitter for a week. As for Grown Ups, well, don't worry, Adsy! You still got it! And I was thinking about it... a lot of critics have complained that Grown Ups has no plot, but the way I see it, at least he's being honest this go round. Plot, schmot. What's MORE insulting is pretending to actually HAVE a plot, like Mr. Deeds, a remake of a beloved classic... it is beloved, isn't it? It's Sandler's Fargo, I guess: lots of snow, Harve Presnell in the cast. Oh, he left us too soon. :( Anyway, the point is... I don't know! This is REALLY the era of REALLY Short Attention Spans. Instead of thinking and dressing like the tube, we're thinking and dressing like the comptroller... and somehow, that montage of 15 years worth of Adam Sandler movies, including of course the famous clip of Sandler blowing into his hands and making a fart noise from Billy Madison, doesn't quite play the same as, say, a résumé of George Stevens, but don't worry, Sandler, you're a friendly, happy-go-lucky enough kind of guy, and I'm sure you can find a couple more Sid Ganis types that can help you get that Oscar you so desperately crave. I suggest kissing up to Laura Ziskin and George Schlatter for starters. Hell, why not get Bruce while you're at it? I also want to point out that Rob Schneider plays a guy with supermodel-looking daughters. This must be a nod to his brother who works on "America's Next Top Model." They will single-handedly end the Morlock-Eloi curse by mating with these Eloi types, yes? I mean, they're clearly Morlocks. Morlock-esque, anyway, if not Ewoks.
But I guess I should pick on someone else for a while. I am, after all, an embittered O'Doyle type, and I do feel sorry for Peter Facinelli. Oh, it is so not 1999 anymore. He had his big chance to prove his acting chops with The Big Kahuna, and now he's the creepy doctor of the Twilight series. Won't be long before he's the new Mr. Belvedere, tee hee hee...
What was the other story this week? Oh, right, the ad campaign for Cyrus paid off, just not that well. It's been a while since we've seen a one-weeker in the Top 10, so why not this I say? After all, Jonah Hill's still got that Greek movie! Either way, he loses.

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