Thursday, July 04, 2013

Oh My Darling, Oh My Darling, Oh My Darling Depp-en-tine!!!!!!

You know, they say any publicity's good publicity.  Krusty the Clown heartily and disrespectfully disagrees with that.  So too might the stockholders over at Disney, but I try to remain positive.  They're already calling The Lone Ranger the new John Carter, but I pooh-pooh that notion.  First of all, Gore Verbinski's a better director than that.  And 1a), he apparently clashed with the studio heads over creative differences.  Was there any of that with John Carter (of Mars)?  Egg-zactly.  The Pixar primadonna who directed that one got whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it.  Oh sure, Ranger didn't recoup its catering budget yet, but I say relax.  Gotta think long term!  Gotta think legacy.  Not so much The Lone Ranger's legacy, mind you.  Is it worthy of the legacies of Depp and Verbinski, and how did they steal Helena Bonham-Carter away from Tim Burton incidentally?
Besides, what did anyone expect?  Same thing happened with The Rum Diary from two years ago.  Oh, it's a bomb.  It's the end of Depp's career.  Well, Depp's still here, and besides!  It's an independent film.  They still make those, don't they?  They aren't expected to earn any money, right?
What else?  Oh, right.  TLR was apparently not kid-friendly enough.  Imagine that.  The kids staying away from a Disney movie.  Why, they oughta be horse-whipped.  No, they all were dropped off at that upstart Despicable Me 2.  Look for Despicable Me 3 in Summer 2016.
The other debut this week is apparently a stand-up comedy concert film by the hot young Dave Chappelle wannabe on the block, Kevin Hart.  He can do it all: acting, stand-up comedy... he'll probably be directing before long.  Why, he's got two films in the top 10 this week!  This is the End and Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain.  I guess you do have some explaining to do, Mister!  How are you going to explain to the Plastic Cup Boyz that they're going to be stuck at the Apollo Theater a little while longer, and that they're dreams of playing Branson, Missouri with Andy Williams will just have to sit on the back burner and cook a little while longer?  A dream deferred, Kevin!  How are you going to explain debuting at #8 to the executives of Summit Entertainment who were hoping for the next Twilight, but with a black comedian instead of pasty white vampires?  And most importantly of all, how are you going to act when you get on the set of Think Like a Man Too, and reprise your role as Cedric, the not-so-entertaining newlywed?  Are you going to stride in with sunglasses and a big-ass entourage and act like a big shot?  Or are you going to eat a little humble pie?  If I were you, I'd do a little of both.  Gotta find that happy medium between Eddie Murphy and Dave Chappelle.
Okay, I better get outta here.  My mom's basement is starting to flood and I gotta fire up the diesel-powered sump pump.

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