Saturday, January 25, 2014

I, Box Office

Let me ask you a question.  The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is already gone after two weeks in the Top 10.  Doesn't anybody dream anymore?  Doesn't anybody want to achieve greatness AND get the girl anymore?  The cover of Life magazine?  Being part of the iconosphere?  Doesn't anyone even attempt a spectacular fail or two?  Where's the next Chevy Chase?  Where's the next... I CAN'T REMEMBER THE NAME!!!!!  That woman whose son wrote one big book, then he died and she spent the rest of her life trying to convince everyone in the iconosphere that, damn it, she belonged there too!  All the non-luminescent old fogies already in the iconosphere just couldn't handle her blazing awesomeness.
Anyway, the only debut this week is something called I, Frankenstein.  Debuting at #6, what I can only assume are far, far below the filmmakers' expectations.  Oh well.  Director Stuart Beattie will work again.  This is his punishment for Pirates of the Caribbean 3, am I right?
...A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES!!!!  tHAT'S IT!!!  Sorry to shout.  That's the guy whose mother just wanted to be the next Dorothy Parker, trading quips with ... whoever.  The modern equivalent of F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway.  None of that Salvador Dali crap.  Too weird.  Or any of that Henry Miller crap.  Too profane and sacriligious.  Sacrilegious?  God bless you, auto-spell check!  May the nerd(s) who created you make America's next billion dollars.  No, it's smooth sailing in show business now, with everyone being someone's kid.  A confederacy of nepotists.  Emily Osment!  Emma Roberts!  Jake Kasdan!  Gwyneth Paltrow!  Ireland Basinger Baldwin!!  None of these people are going to make any unnecessary waves.  They've got too much at stake as it is.

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