Thursday, January 30, 2014

Short Reviews - January 2014

Labor Day - What is this?  I was expecting the completion of the Garry Marshall holiday trilogy, or even the latest crappy Nicholas Sparks novel!  Instead, I get this!  Plus, the IMDb page is all fancy for it!  Yecccch!!!

Inspector Gadget - Okay, the movie's pretty bad, but the car is totally awesome!!

Inspector Gadget 2 with French Stewart - Oh, puh-leeeeeeze... hmm!  Wonder whatever happened to him?

A Fall From Grace - Indeed

Falling for Grace - I don't remember this from Lewis Black's book!

Falling from Grace - Okay, so it won't be inducted into any halls of fame any time soon, probably.  Better make the hyperlink for it, as IMDb has a little trouble finding it, amidst all the other falls and all the other Graces out there

If Lucy Fell - ...she'd land on her face?  Oh s'z'nap!

Trancers - Oh, Santa can't be the bad guy!

Trancers II - Helen came back for the sequel?  That's... kinda sad!

Failure to Launch - The best friend of the protagonist... is there any more reliable archetype?

(500) Days of Summer - The best friend of the protagonist... is there any more reliable archetype?

When In Rome - The protagonist's two chatty assistants... is there any more reliable archetype?

Enter the Dragon - A martial artist goes undercover to spy on a reclusive crime lord, using his invitation to a tournament as cover... from the director of Gymkata, that's all I'm saying!

Morgan: A Suitable Case for Treatment - In our current political climate, any red-blooded American will tell you that the protagonists' unhealthy obsession with Communism is by far more troubling than the protagonists' unhealthy obsession with... let's say the works of Pierre Boulle.

Oh, you know what I keep forgetting to do?  I keep forgetting to celebrate those films of last year that spent only one week at the box office!  Let's do that now.

Promised Land - Bad promise

The Last Stand - I think it's the one with Ahnold Schvazanegga

Movie 43 - It's the '60s all over again!  All the rude, grotesque parts of course

Argo - ... Argo?  It apparently resurfaced the week of Feb. 10, 2013.  That hardly counts.

Dead Man Down - I guess the title sounded too familiar to folks or sumpthing

Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani - Titles that rhyme... a box office killer every time

Fruitvale Station - In this case, it's a complement, of course.  The new way to get your 'indie creds.'

Jobs - No Oscar for Jobs?  Ouch!

You're Next - I don't think so!

Getaway - Exactly

Battle of the Year - Well, it must've been short, anyway.  That's the problem with modern warfare technology.  See Baron Munchausen for a treatise on that!

The Wizard of Oz 1939 - It did a little poorer than the Jurassic Park 3D release

Pulling Strings - To what end?

Machete Kills - Don't worry, nothing will stop the trilogy's completion.  Not even Mel Gibson.

The Fifth Estate - Better stick to your day job, Sherlock

Black Nativity - No love for Langston?  You vicious heartless bastards!

...okay, that's done.  Back to everything else.

Dead Man - Classic

Dead Man Walking - Depressing classic

Dead Man's Shoes - A homeless dude staple

Dead Man on Campus - You know, it wasn't so long ago when Tom Everett Scott's scared face could sell anything... and this is the proof

An American Werewolf in Paris - Ditto

Bulletproof - You know, a lot of movies will simply talk about one character sticking a gun up another character's ass and pulling the trigger.  Usually two guys.  You got your Lebowskis, your 2004 Ladykillers, your Buffalo Soldiers, what have you... but it's a rare movie like Bulletproof that actually shows what it might at first look like!

The January Man - Holy $#!  John Patrick Shanley created the British Best Friend!

A Month in the Country - Feels more like ten boring years

Sweet November - Let me tell you something about the films of Pat O'Connor.  These are the kinds of movies you go to see that you get dressed in your finest suit, you go and rent a limo, maybe go to dinner beforehand, then the opera after... and then you go home and blow your brains out.  BUT BEFORE THAT, seeing a Pat O'Connor movie will be the classiest thing you'll ever do your entire life.  Even this one with that surfer dude from Point Break.  This is the kind of film that all filmmakers want to make.  Forget Spielberg and George Lucas; child's stuff.  Childish stuff.  No, Pat O'Connor's the one.  Nice, decent films about nice, decent people, falling in love, damn it.  Love.  Remember love?  Hel-LOOO?????

Child's Play 1 - Kewl!  I didn't know Elisabeth Shue was in that!... oh, right, it's Catherine Hicks.  Never mind.

Year One - Alas, Harold Ramis has passed on at the age of 69.  Anything to get out of doing Ghostbusters III...

Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song - I hate to be critical of a cultural landmark and all, but there's too many experimental film-type moments in this movie.  I mean, taking your wind-up Bolex and going around town, shooting two seconds here, shooting two seconds there... I've made that movie!

So I Married an Axe Murderer - Well, it's been over 20 years, so I guess the proverbial statute of limitations is up on this one.  Here's what's wrong with this movie: the direction.  Take, for example, the scene where Mike Myers goes to hug his fiancée's girl friend in his bath towel.  The towel drops to reveal his naked buttocks in mid-hug.  The girl hugging Myers then grabs his naked buttocks.  Next scene: Myers awkwardly puts the towel back on and apologizes like hell.  But why is no one laughing?  Because first of all, only Rob Schneider can pull that gag off, and second, the girl grabbing Myers's ass ruins the whole scene.  That's sloppy direction.  No wonder Nigel Powers hates the Dutch!

Reckless - Hey, Reckless!  Risky Business called... wants its font back!!!!

Due Date - Okay, a more current example.  Hey, Due Date!  The Social Network called.  Wants its poster back!... damn.  Can't find it.  Never mind.

Guardians of the Galaxy - Just read a thing saying that this is Marvel's latest blockbuster, but that it's not going to be a ... let's say a Joss Whedon-sized blockbuster.  Unfortunately for director and co-writer James Gunn, the TV ads might not get to say "From the maniac who brought you Super and Slither (2006)".  But the super-geeks like me: oh, we'll know!!!

The Man with Two Brains - Classic

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