Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Je suis Charlie

... I know, a little late and more than a tad disingenuous of me, but hey.  I gotta take my coattails where I can get 'em like everyone else these days.  Although I must confess, I never heard of Charlie Hebdo before that terrible tragedy, and I still have yet to make time to look them up on the web... anyway, time to put my high school French to good use and say nous sommes Charlie!
Meanwhile, in movie-type news, I've just been handed this important email bulletin from Danni Ashe's Nippleodeon... I mean, from Nickelodeon, an MTV network.  To the Marmalade Sandwich-mobile!  It's the big Paddington weekend!  Gotta get that ticket.  Gotta get it right now!
In other news... stand your ground, Dish Network.  Don't let billionaire octogenarian tyrant Rupert Murdoch and his unholy minions extort money from you.
(Sunday) ...WOW!  Je veux être à Bradley Cooper!!  I have yet to process all the data, but I think that American Sniper just broke a new record: the most money raked in for a director so old.  Not that any of this is going to slow a juggernaut like Clint Eastwood down.  Why, American Sniper has made one million for each of Clint's birthdays!  Practically... practically.  Of course, it cost about 200 million in advertising to get that 90 million, but damn well worth it I say.
There's a couple other debuts, however, so Sniper didn't totally kill the competition.  As you might be aware, January is the time of weddings.  I seem to recall that 2009's Bride Wars was a January release.  This time, we've got something called The Wedding Ringer.  As it happens, it's Kevin Hart's latest movie.  Think of it as Think Like a Man 2.5, apparently.  So very soon now, in about three months, you'll be able to go to Costco and buy the following DVDs all shrink-wrapped together: The Wedding Singer, The Wedding Planner, The Wedding Date, The Wedding Chapel, The Wedding Pact and now The Wedding Ringer!  Uh... not Wedding Crashers.  They wanted too much money.
Meanwhile, marmalade sandwiches take third place with Paddington and finally Michael Mann's latest, Blackhat, comes in at a very very disappointing tenth place.  He should really go back to film, or at least get a better grade of HD video to shoot with.  I dunno.  Maybe he should have waited for next week or something.  But I think the real hardcore nerds out there are sold.  They'll get this on Blu-Ray and dream about being like a Hemsworth.  They'll put it on their video shelves right next to Out of Africa and Highlander... not the Christopher Lambert one, but the TV series with Lorenzo Lamas.  Lorenzo makes a better man-crush than ol' Frenchy, dontcha think?  I wouldn't know.  I never got hired into those cursed inner circles.

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