Thursday, January 01, 2015

Short Reviews - January 2014... 15! 15

...nope!  Nothing yet.  But I will ask this rhetorical question... is the "p.g.a." credit on movies really necessary?  Is the Producer's Guild that insecure?  Is producing a technical, meticulous craft like "a.c.e" and "a.s.c" all of a sudden?  Is that what we're led to believe?

Stripes - Let me just say this random brain fart thing about Stripes.  At one point, a girl breaks up with Bill Murray, saying "We're not going anywhere, Bill!"  ... I mean, "We're not going anywhere, John!"  I wonder if that was Len Blum's contribution to the screenplay, because his career seems to have done just that.  Ouch.  But he came back to do the commentary!  That's... that's something, right?

Outland - This movie says the pronunciation of Io is "Eye-Oh."  That's the correct one, right?

Jurassic Park 3 - I wonder what a Jurassic Park movie written by Alexander Payne would look like... holy crap!  He DID write one!

Target - I wonder if Josef Sommer and Gene Hackman ever did a movie together.... GADZOOKS!  MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!

The Chamber - I wonder if Josef Sommer and Gene Hackman ever did a movie together.... EGAD!  MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANTSWERED!!!!

Reds - I wonder if Josef Sommer and Gene Hackman ever did a movie together.... GADZOOKS!  MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSW0RD!!!!

Dracula Has Risen From the Grave - I dunno... an awful lot of blood and cleavage for a supposedly 'G'-rated picture

The Boy Next Door - J. Lo goes cradle-robbing

Micah the A$$#0le Ghost - What the F is with these movie titles?!!!!  I mean... WHAT THE F------ IS WITH THESE MOVIE TITLES?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Fargo" - Billy Bob just won the Golden Globe, and he said "Thank you."  ...what's THAT supposed to mean?!  What a pretentious ass!

The Pick-Up Artist - This Molly Ringwald is something else, yes?

Malicious - .....OH MY GOD......................

Dead Man Walking - With Margo Martindale as the pudgy best friend and/or disappointed mother

Mortdecai - Boy!  That was quick!  Wes Anderson's next film already... oh, wait, it's just David Koepp.  Get back to writing Indiana Jones 5 already!

Crooked AKA Soft Target - Awright!  Carlos of the Valley!  Local boy makes good!  Leaving the Seattle market paid off big time.  Welp, at least you're striking out on your own, and not phoning it in like the KOMO... I'm sorry, I mean K'Q'MO team in Life or Sumpthing Like It.

Next Stop, Greenwich Village - Inside Larry Lapinsky

Too Young to Die? - With Michael Tucker as Barry Sonnenfeld (note to self: add Robert Markowitz to list of directors who did one theatrical release, got tired and stuck to TV movies)

Two of a Kind - Wow.  Wow, wow and double wow.  Well, this answers the latest mutation of the age old question.  When you get a film like Grease and the chemistry of the two leads like Travolta and Olivia-Newton John... surely it'll work again in a second film, right?  ....RIIIIIIGHT????????

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies - Pride goeth before a fall, indeed!

All the President's Men - I dunno.  I thought the 'f' word wasn't supposed to even be in a PG picture!  Must be that pesky liberal bias again... not to mention the word "chicken$#..."  Maltin guide says PG!

I Served the King of England - Albino Rob Schneider.  How and why that that's so sexy is a mystery I will take to the grave, unresolved.

The Banger Sisters - Who's the Penny Lane NOW, bitches?

Seventh Son - Another Lebowski reunion!  More please.  Also, if there's a better poster shot of Julianne Moore than this one, I don't wanna know about it

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - I hate to say it, but that White Witch was pretty hot!  Loved her hair.  Something was happening in my Narnia, I can tell you that!  On the flip side of that coin, I just wish they got James McAvoy some pants.  I thought this was a kid's movie, for Christ's sake!  I mean, the lion's sake.

Guilty by Suspicion - Lemme just say this about Guilty by Suspicion.  Forget The Front with its left wing bias and its Jewish actors.  Guilty by Suspicion is the one to have up there on your DVD shelf next to Out of Africa and The Great Gatsby.  A nice, clean, classy evening at the movies to make your friends jealous.  Why, it looks more like one of the good books than a movie!  And sure, even though it's a PG-13 movie it's got the 'f' word in it nine times, and sure, the filmmakers made Abraham Polonsky cry, to put it mildly, but I mean, what did that guy ever do?  I mean, besides being an actual victim of the Blacklist himself?

Contact - Meh.

Double Trouble - Not to mention script trouble, acting trouble, directing trouble...

Mercury Rising - Welp, it took seventeen years, but the film's finally got casting value.  Of course, it already had that for appropriating most of the cast of Fargo, but now it has it because of Camryn Manheim and John Doman, both now on Person of Interest!  I'M FREAKIN' OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adventures in Babysitting - Ah, God, I love the Facebook.  Probably spend too much time on there... but it's not all good.  Dangers lurk everywhere, like Russian mobsters promising free Zynga poker chips.  And clubs, clubs, clubs.  So much stuff to like, so little server space to store billions of peoples' "like"s.  One of the hot ones vying for my attention was called "Elisabeth Judson Shue."  And I'm all, 1) you know, I've got too many likes as it is.  Besides, I'll never beat Chrystal Jordan and what's her name in terms of sheer likes.  They "like" everything.  Wind power, McDonald's, you name it.  Plus, Brian Harrod's got a new facebook site every week, and you have to like all of them, and 2) ...her middle name's "Judson"?  Good Lourdes!  Somehow I didn't want to know that.  Incidentally, where does she get off, trash-talking her former co-star Ralph Macchio?

Fight Club - His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.  His name is Robert Paulsen.........................

Hook - Hey, HookThe Godfather called.  Wants its font back.

I Dreamed of Africa - Even true stories are susceptible to those awful movie clichés.  I Dreamed of Africa, much like The Dead Zone (1983) before it and The Lookout after, starts with a car crash... holy crap!  It's James Bond!  No more sixth place billing for him, that's for damn sure!

John Q - Another huge crash

The Earthling - Winnebago crash in the Outback

Deep Impact - Car crash delays the telling of the world about a deadly comet headed right at us.  This was in the days when MSNBC would scoop big stories about 2 seconds ahead of NBC news.

The Appointment - I think I've blogged about this one already, but I think this is the film where a guy spends about thirty minutes in a tree, upside down in his car...  AWRIGHT!  It's online!  God bless the YouTubes.  Not for long, though.  The Copyright Police seem to go after anything I make a reference to, so I won't post the link.

Garage Days - How is it that the son of Bruce Lee is killed on set, yet all the people in Garage Days are probably still alive?  Boy, God sure has a sick sense of humour.

We Need to Talk about Kevin -Yeah, I was friends... I mean, next door neighbours with a Kevin like that once.  For me, I think the highlight would have to be when our two cats were fighting.  I tried to break up the fight, and sure, arguably because his cat seemed to be winning.  So I go to break up the fight, but then he takes out a pair of scissors and holds it to my flesh, saying "Don't move."  Ah, the time period they call childhood.  Why do we only get two?

The Princess and the Warrior - Tom Tykwer's Franka Potente-based sophomore slump

A Very Long Engagement - Jean-Pierre Jeunet's Amélie-based sophomore slump

Desperate Hours - Michael Cimino's Mickey Rourke-based junior slump

Seven Years in Tibet - Hey, Seven Years in Tibet!  John Carpenter called, wants his font back.

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