Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Bloody Oscars

Okay, I'm out of my Oscar funk now for some reason.  I've grown a little weary of trying to predict what the Oscars are thinking these days.  For example, I thought it was supposed to be ten nominees for Best Picture now.  I thought that that was the new rule of the land.  And yet there are only eight.  MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND ALREADY!!!!!  And I never thought I'd live to see the day, but ex-Daily Show correspondent Steve Carell is up for an Oscar.  Maybe now he can stop being so humble when he goes back on that show to kiss Stew Beef's ass.  I'm just saying.  And isn't this going to cause a rift in the whole Anchorman gang?  Next thing you know, they'll be giving Judd Apatow the Irving Thalberg Award for Lifetime Achievement.  Lord knows he's made enough money to get it!  They'll just have to be very very careful when they edit his highlight reel together.
Okay, I'll make one Oscar prediction.  The winner for cinematography?  NOT Roger Deakins.
But in general, it's a big year for "independent" movies, and by that I mean non-superhero related movies.  And the academy sure seems to have gotten over its love of Tolkien and his custodians thereof in a big way.  But Birdman is a film about superhero movies, so strides are being made.  Maybe Marvel can host its own superhero movie awards show on Fox or something.  Lord knows they have the money.  I mean, lavishing trophies upon the special effects industry somehow just isn't enough.  Maybe I'm out of my Oscar funk this year because I never thought I'd be living with a champion of the cause of Wes Anderson.  It seems like it's his time.  Or Richard Linklater's.  I think the academy's just happy that Wes is giving smaller parts to Owen Wilson and Bill Murray.
Anyway, I've found a new wrinkle on my face... I mean, a new wrinkle on how to go about predicting these Oscar winners.  I'm merely going to comment on that old Oscar gap.  By which I mean what the nominee's really getting the gold statue for.  Take Jeremy Irons, for example.  He won for Reversal of Fortune, but really, it was for his performance in the previous year's Dead Ringers.  Or Burl Ives!  He won for his supporting role in The Big Country, but really, it should have been for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.  I mean, c'mon!  He's Big Daddy!  Non-Adam Sandler Big Daddy!  I swear that this is a phenomenon people comment about, but Yahoo's just not bearing me out right away on it.

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year: The big surprise?  Pixar doesn't have an entry!  Well, Oscar didn't care for cars with eyes on the windshield.  What hope do planes with eyes on their even smaller windshields have?

Best Foreign Language Film of the Year: whichever one won the Golden Globe

Best Documentary, Feature: It used to be that one about the Holocaust was a sure win, pretty much every time.  This time, however, we must go to a different metric.  The one with the best title for me would have to be Last Days in Vietnam, a title that seems vaguely familiar, and a film about an American-made Holocaust. 

Best Documentary, Short Subject: Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1.  Great title!

Best Short Film, Animated: Don't care.... sure, I say that now, but fifteen years from now, how sorry I'll be when the winner's directing Pixar films.  But really, Wallace Shawn as the cowardly dinosaur pretty much directs himself at this point.

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score: I don't know why, but I don't like Alexandre Desplat.  And now, here he is, competing against himself.  I wonder what he'd rather win for.  The Grand Budapest Hotel?  Or The Imitation Game?  Well, if American box office is an indication, then definitely Budapest.  An important consideration among the Oscar voting block, apparently, according to one of the talking heads I saw.  As for me, I think that that Johann Johannsson should win.  Great name.  Plus, Johann is a name fraught with musical history.  Meanwhile, Hans Zimmer is nominated once again for his score for the 1996 movie, The Rock.  May the incessant throbbing action movie musical score never ever change.  Ever.

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song: The category gets interesting for a change!  I guess Peter Gabriel and Sting have given up trying to win.  I say give it to Common and John Legend.  Otherwise, it's either going to Glen Campbell for lifetime achievement or to The Lego Movie.  After all, the latest Muppet movie got one a couple years ago, right?

Best Achievement in Makeup AND Hairstyling: The three nominees couldn't be more opposite: one superhero movie, one relatively current offering, and one early 20th century period piece. Whichever won one... one won the Golden Globe... oh, they don't honor makeup with a Golden Globe.  Well, the previous Oscar winners were Dallas Buyers Club, Les Misérables and The Iron Lady, amongst many many others.  My money's on the early 20th century period piece... Grand Budapest?  Sheesh.  They'll get a special Oscar for Best Achievement in Severed Fingers.

Best Achievement in Visual Effects: probably Guardians of the Galaxy.  Number one for nine weeks!!

Best Achievement in Sound Editing: probably The Hobbit.  Gotta give it something, right?  I think The Two Towers won for something like sound editing.  I mean, after all, the Black Gate of Mordor didn't sound itself!

Best Achievement in (Film) Editing: um... Boyhood?  Hel-LOOO?!!

Best Achievement in Sound Mixing: probably Birdman.  I've heard it was all done in one Unbroken take!  Drumroll...

Best Achievement in Costume Design: I think Milena Canonero should win again, if only so I can see the looks on the faces of the people in the front row.  Like what happened in 2006... dayamn!  If looks could kill...

Best Achievement in Camera Aiming and Filming: definitely not Roger Deakins.  No, this year it's going to go to Dick Pope, and here's why... at the unveiling ceremony, what's her name pronounced his name "Dick Poop... POPE!  Pope."  Reason enough for me and the ASC.

Best Adapted Screenplay: ...sheesh!  Wotta mouthful.  The actual category is apparently called "Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published."  And I'm actually going to say... Paul Thomas Anderson, because I've heard Thomas Pynchon is a bitch to adapt.  But basically it's his Oscar for either Boogie Nights or Magnolia, depending on your POV.  Probably Boogie Nights.

Best Screen Screenplay: probably... ...sheesh!  Wotta mouthful.  The actual category is apparently called "Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen."  It should probably go to Boyhood, but it depends on how the WGA feels about that.  They don't care for the phrase "it happened organically."  Screw that.  Man, typewriter, cigs and whiskey.  That's the screenplay way.  My prediction is E. Max Frye and Futterman for Foxcatcher, but really, it's the Oscar that Frye should've got for... Amos and Andrew?

Best Director: I'm going with Linklater and Boyhood, but really, it's the Oscar he should've won for... Boyhood.

Best Supporting Actress: probably Patricia Arquette for Boyhood, but really, it's the Oscar she should've won for... Holy Matrimony?  Goodbye Lover?  Pretty Smart?  Who's the Zero now, bitches?

Best Supporting Actor: I want J. K. Simmons to win for Whiplash, but really, it's the Oscar he should've won for... The Ladykillers!  That's right.  I don't care who knows it.

Best Actress: (female actor) I want Rosamund Pike to win for Gone Girl, but really, it's the Oscar she should've won for Doom.

Best Actor: probably Michael Keaton, because people of his age are gobbling up all the awards these days.  But really, it's the Oscar he should've gotten for... Beetlejuice?  Swing Shift? 

Best Motion Picture: oh, just give it to Oprah Winfrey's picture already!  Let her do all the talking during the acceptance speech!  Doesn't she deserve that?