Sunday, February 08, 2015

Auteur Watch - Ayoka Chenzira

Somebody send Hair Piece: A Film for Nappyheaded People to Don Imus for me, will ya?  Heh heh heh... anyway, here's another short one for me to do.  Of course, if you were to ask Ayoka Chenzira what her favourite decade is, it is of course the 2010s.  I mean, the decade of Obama and Facebook!  What could be better?  And tiny drones you can fly yourselves!  With douchey GoPro cameras on them!  Um... it's called freedom?  Hel-looooooo?... and, another blow to freedom.  We shoulda known it couldn't last.  It's Altamont all over again, and the Hell's Angels are once again given the keys to the kingdom.
But once upon a time, there was a decade called the nineties.  We'll be really pining for it around 2020, I think.  Of course, the 70s are still the go-to decade for nostalgia these days.  I mean, those awful haircuts and shoes and outfits!  And the awful disco music!  Boy, violinists must've really cleaned up back then.  But in the '90s, all the non-Spielberg studios were in turmoil, trying in vain to connect with a more multicultural audience.  And lesbianism wasn't just being exploited by Howard Stern, either!  No sir and ma'am!  In the 90s you could make a film called The Positively True Adventures of Two Girls in Love... I think that's what it's called, but someone just dropped some pancake batter on my microprocessor and I can't open any other websites... okay, here it is.  Close enough.  You could get a green light on a film called A Woman, Her Men and Her Futon.  I believe Brad Garrett played the futon; he's certainly got the voice for it, anyway.
And so it was with Ayoka Chenzira and her nineties' era film called Alma's Rainbow.  Of course, she'd been making films off and on before then, but I mean, this was it.  Alma's Rainbow announced the arrival of a new voice on the scene, a new vision for the silver screen, and that name was, is and shall always be... Ayoka Chenzira.  And upon hearing that, the bigwigs over at MGM said "Ooh!  Animé!  I love it.  That's the hot new thing.  Get this... whatchamacallit on the phone.  Let's start production on a Ranma 1/2 movie!"
Needles to say, something terrible must've happened after the release of Alma's Rainbow.  Chenzira had always been a little skeptical of Hollywood, but after Rainbow, there was little doubt left.  Time for the fallback position!  Maybe she a-holed her way out of the biz, as Chris Rock once mentioned once, but maybe she got a relatively decent severance package, hopefully.  I'm put in mind of A Woman, Her Men and Her Futon, because I thought the writer-director of that went AWOL afterwards... not exactly!  Well, he used to be called Mussef Sibay, but sometime during the Dubya Administration he got a Name-ectomy and became... Michael Sibay.  That's... that's a step in the right direction, right?  Sounds a bit like Michael Bay, doesn't it?  Of course, he's not afraid to take a potshot at Dubya through film.  I mean, did you read the plot description of 2007's The Road to Empire?  Judging from the title, you'd think it's a pro-Bush rah-rah film... but that plot description, I dunno.  Perilous search for the truth?  Duplicitous husband?  An explosive mystery with far-reaching consequences?  What's with all the questions, Question Boy?  Huh?  You some kind of Question Boy with your purdy mouth?  Sibay must be a li'l purdy; after all, he played the lover in The Crude Oasis.  If you're ugly, you ain't gettin' that kind of a role.
And while we're on the subject of Republicans... boy, people really burn me up.  People on MSNBC in particular, asking questions like "Do the Republicans have a plan?"  Do the Republicans have a plan?  Um... get elected to office?  Hel-loooooooo?  That's the plan!  What more do you need?  What more could you possibly want, you peasants?  You peons?  You get-peed-ons?  It's very simple.  1) Get elected to office, and 2) do whatever the Koch brothers say.  Mostly try to repeal Obamacare and mention Benghazi as often as possible... you know, appeal to America's youth.  Do the Republicans have a plan.  Sickening.  Makes me want to vomit.
...oh, right.  My software's churning away, probably down the wrong path as usual, but if Chenzira wants to get to Spielberg, I think my idea of following the actor or actress with a photo on the IMDb is the most fruitful path yet again.  So, for Alma's Rainbow, that just might be Victoria Gabrielle Platt who, incidentally, is apparently known for Alma's Rainbow!  I mean, that's... that's one of her four things, isn't it?  You know, her IMDb Top 4?  At the top of the page, wouldn't it?  That'd be a good opener for the phone call, by the way.  Call up Victoria and say "Yo, Vic?  It's Ayoka!  No, don't hang up yet.  I was just online and looking at your IMDb page, and Alma's Rainbow is still in your Top 4!  I have to cut this short, 'cuz I'm heading for the tunnel, so can you get me a meeting with Spielberg?"
Okay, so the call to Victoria Platt was a success... but where to go from there?  Well, she was in Winchell with Stanley Tucci, who was of course in The Lovely Bones.  There.  Problem solved.  Maybe mention Transformers 4, what the hell!

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