Sunday, February 08, 2015

Kardashian Twerk Doxx Shawshank Godfather Jeb Epic Fail Drone Monkeys Flinging Poo KONY 2012!!!!

...sorry about that.  Well, sometimes you gotta risk alienating your audience to get ahead.  And by sometimes, I mean every time.  But the big story this week at the box office is... I forget... Fifty Shades of Grey?  Yecch.  Well, aphrodisiacs are a funny thing.  They're eternal, yet people always want the latest and the greatest.  Takes their minds off of planned obsolescence, or planned parenthood.  Who wants to go back to Basic Instinct or its sequel, or 9 1/2 Weeks or its sequel? ...oh, apparently Mickey Rourke returned for the sequel.  Ouch.  Well, if that doesn't tell you everything you need to know about sexual politics in America, nothing will.  Older, not-so-funny-faced man gets a fresh 20 year old model.  The point being, the days of The Bridges of Madison County are far behind us; actually, Nicholas Sparks is trying to keep that spirit alive, if only in his bank account.  So, what's it going to be, America?  Drop the kids off at American Sniper and go watch Fifty Shades of Grey yourselves?  I say yes.  Your kids are gonna want a good sniping job.  The Army's the only one that's hiring these days!

(Monday) FINALLY!  The totals are in and... wow.  A movie about sex hits #1 at the box office... there's a joke there someplace, or maybe a bad simile.  Yes, it's time for the adults to have a little fun at the cinema.  Between Fifty Shades of Grey and that Kingsmen movie, it was a pirate's kinda weekend... all the top movies are rated RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... hah!  Sorry about that.
Yessir, some hot new directors are gonna be getting all the work now.  I didn't read the whole sentence and I thought Bryan Singer did Kingsmen.  Turns out it's that kick-ass Kick-Ass director Matthew Vaughn.  Well, he knows that if you're going to do comic book movies, you might as well pick the best, most beloved property you can.  In Kingsmen's case, ... whatever.  It's British.  The next hot young variation on Men in Black, if you will.  As for Fifty Shades of Grey, well... that director is Sam Taylor-Johnson, and she... and she is a she... has got nowhere to go but up.  It's probably too early to predict, but... Oscar for Best Director?  It's still over a year away, but who knows.  Of course, the Oscars are probably going to go for something a little less racy.  I know, I know ... the whole enterprise is watered down in the Sex Department as it is, as any self-respecting orgasm connoisseur will tell you.  But it's the principle of the thing!  Besides, doesn't the title obscure the tawdry subject matter enough?  Think how that feels when you say it.  "And the Oscar goes to... Fifty Shades of Grey."  Doesn't that just feel right?  ...a little more to the left, you say?  Too much of a wink?  No, the gold has to go to the latest World War II period piece, or something about the British royal family, written by Peter Morgan.  Well, the perverts will have their day in the sun!  Mark my words!
Oh, I forgot to mention that Sam Taylor-Johnson's name may sound familiar.  That's because she's now married to star of the Kick-Ass series, Aaron Taylor-Johnson!  Now, according to the birthday information on the IMDb, ... (Sep. 18, 2015) Welp, I think the evidence is in, folks.  You can't increase your hit count, even with the internet spiders.  This one only has 23 hits.  Meanwhile, someone's going CRA-AZY over this post I titled "The Curious Case of Koko the Clown."  Hmm!  Wonder how my review of Benjamin Button is faring...

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