Saturday, June 13, 2015

Auteur Watch - Robbie Countryman

No, I don't mean Hagrid!  Stupid Auto-Complete... Anyway, on to our next auteur.  I mean, what's a brutha gotta do to get ahead in this stupid biz?  Well, you gotta go with the times, and Robbie Countryman was fortunate to land a gig on a sweet show like "Hangin' with Mr. Cooper"... I'm assuming.  What ever became of that Cooper fella, anyhow?  I know he had a crucial part in Armageddon as a cab driver... welp, he's all growed up and doing a show called "See Dad Run," and he's gone from Mark to Marcus.  Well, that's more flexibility than Tony Danza, that's for sure.
But that was the 90s, and a show like "Hangin' with Mr. Cooper" could flourish and grow.  In the 2000s, not so much, apparently, and so it was time to penetrate deep into enemy territory and direct episodes of "Reba," of all things.  Well, it's a couple steps up from the blue collar comedy tour, anyway; of course, they probably wouldn't want to work with Robbie... I don't know why.
So that was the 2000s.  How about the 2010s?  Well, Robbie's main source of work is something called "Melissa & Joey."  I... I'm so out of it.  Where ARE these shows?  That's that thing with Melissa McCarthy, right?.... no, it's with Sabrina the Teenage Witch star Melissa Joan Hart.  I don't know why, but I feel kinda sorry for her.  Apparently her deal struck with the Devil is that she'll be on TV for her whole life, but no one will give a sh... no one will notice.  I mean, look at that cleavage!... hmm.  I dunno.  The Richard Head's over at Maxim can rate these things more scientifically than me, probably, but something seems off.  Too Religious-Girl-Next-Door-y or something; not Fairuza Balk-ish enough.  I mean, sure, there's no flap of skin to give the impression that it's one giant monobreast with two pouches, and yes, it's always nice to have some space to give the impression that you can see farther down the dress than one thinks... that was in the movie Big (1988), right?  Right!  It's right here.  Billy says "She's got one of those undershirt things.  So if you get real close to the board, you can see all the way down to her flowers."  I mean, if you're going to photograph cleavage, I'm told the gold standard is Monica Bellucci in The Matrix Reloaded... and of course, the IMDb doesn't have a photo of it.  Well, it's the Internet.  It's going to be out there someplace.  I mean, when the internet was first gearing up, there were a whole slew of sites dedicated to Brad Pitt's ass in 12 Monkeys.  Not really my thing, but I understand the appeal.  Something about being in a nut house just makes it all the hotter.  Kinda like that guy at the beginning of Amadeus!  Oh, how I wish I could get that out of my head... where was I?  Oh, right.  Well, it looks like Mr. Countryman is set for life because, much like Melissa Joan Hart, he has spent his whole life in television, and he has seen television grow to achieve damn near equitability with the silver screen, especially in the HD era.  Will his oeuvre of work ever be taught at the USC film school?  Probably not!  Is he nevertheless laughing or crying all the way to the bank?  He better hope so!

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