Monday, June 01, 2015

Short Reviews - June 2015

...ooh!  Ooh!  Tuddy, I think I finally decoded the hidden meaning of the old "Princess and the Frog" tale.  That's the tale where you have to cross a river, but you have to take a princess, a frog, and a rabid badger with you... no, wait.  I mean the one where the princess kisses a frog, and the frog turns into a handsome prince.  Unfortunately, it doesn't bode well for the ladies, especially if you're expecting a handsome prince right out of the gate.  Because, as it turns out, a lot of the frogs out there are really good kissers.  That's right, go for the shy, awkward geeks who'd just be so grateful to be with a girl.  They know how to kiss, lemme tell ya!  And catching flies with that long tongue?... well, FRENCH kissing, right?  So princesses, go for the frog that kisses real good, and just try to picture George Clooney or Brad Pitt in your mind.  That's why you close your eyes during kissing.

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension - Rated PG for thematic elements, including all of the Hong Kong Cavaliers being armed with handguns, a character named "Big Booty," and a slightly early version of the Flux Capacitor.  But hey!  Why not hire the best?  You figure Neil Canton worked on a movie about a car that travels through time or space or something... get him to do your movie!

Aloha - With Woody Harrelson as Carson Wells

The Associate - Look... quit picking on Rachel Dolezal, all right?

"Ballers" -  Because even HBO's getting tired of that old, musty "1st and Ten" series, and not just because of the O.J. Curse.  Also, I can't help but think of that one time that "The Rock" was on SNL and he did a light parody of "The Sopranos" called "The Goombahs."  What I'm trying to say is... am I the only one that finds fault with the title?  Of course, I also thought that Schitt's Creek was a bad title, so what do I know.

The Bonfire of the Vanities - There are of course many, many problems with this movie.  Everyone knows that.  Mostly because of director Brian DePalma, one who has snatched defeat from the jaws of victory more times than not... probably even more than John Carpenter.  But I couldn't help but stumble over the name Michael Cristofer who adapted the novel, and I thought to myself... really?  THAT'S who you get to do your screenplay?  Mr. Sex?  Mr. Gia?  Mr. Body Shots?  To be fair, DePalma didn't know that at the time... I guess James Toback was busy or something.  Also, Bruce Willis as the Token Brit?  Even Kevin Costner tried on the accent... oh, right.  Not really.

Boynton Beach Club - Looking more and more ahead of its time than ever

The 'Burbs - Farewell, Art.  You left us too soon.

Disorganized Crime - This was filmed in Montana!... I'll bet you 50¢ it wasn't.

Donovan Quick - ...I think Colin Firth is the Highlander.  I mean, look at him in The English Patient.  Now look at him today.  What is it?  Yoga?  Pilates?  No!  Highlander!!!!!  Dude hasn't aged a day!  Not ONE DAY, Jerry!

The English Patient - I think I understand Seinfeld's obsession with The English Patient, or rather, perhaps just Larry David's.  And I'm talking about the scene where Juliette Binoche is riding in the back of a truck, and she hands a big wad of bills to one of her friends in a jeep.  The jeep then starts to drive ahead of the convoy and hits a land mine, killing everyone in the jeep.  Now, if that isn't a Curb Your Enthusiasm moment, I don't know what is!  Binoche, of course, handles the moment much differently than would, say, a George Costanza or a Larry David.  They would, of course, go to the next of kin and say "You know, just before she was killed by that land mine, I gave them about 40 dollars!  It was all the money I had and.." well, the rest writes itself.

Entourage (the motion picture) - The commercials on the TV have quotes from critics for some reason.  There's some complete sentences, but they had single words like "Dope" and "Sexy."  Those are givens, of course.  Then they had this one scary word... I think it was "Smart."  And I'm all, like... smart?  Whoa, dude.  What do I look like, a mathematician?  Are you trying to scare people away?  Why?  Why are you doing that?  Why are you trying to scare people like that??

The Flying Dutchman - This was filmed in a town called Darby in Montana!... I'll bet you 50¢ it wasn't.


Great Expectations (2015) - Hagrid's got the moves like Jaggers?!!!

Great Expectations (1998) - .... NO Jaggers!!

Great Expectations (1946) - Someone named Frances L. Sullivan's got the moves like Jaggers... now I hate to be one of those people, but um... hel-LOOO?  Someone LIVING, please!!!!

Heaven's Gate - I think I blogged about this already, but I wasn't able to find it when I searched for it, so here goes again anyway.  SPOILER ALERT: the big finale.  Kris Kristofferson, Jeff Bridges, and Kris' bride to be get ambushed outside their tiny cabin.  They are shot at by about six guys with shotguns... not at all an homage to James Caan's death in the first Godfather.  Anyway, in the shooting, the Dude is killed, the bride gets hit point blank in the stomach about three times... and Kris isn't touched at all!  Cut to 20 years later, and Kris and the bride are on a tiny yacht together.  Welp, that's the power of love for you: stronger than three shotgun blasts to the stomach.  Is that too nitpicky of me?  I don't think so.

Helen Keller vs. Nightwolves - This unfortunate genre continues, unapologetically

"Humans" - Ah, yes!  This is what William Hurt was flogging on "The View" recently, because he misses working on A.I. too.

I'll See You in my Dreams - Blythe Danner is... a revelation?   Personally, I already knew about her.  I mean, Fockers?  Anyone?  What about Brighton Beach Memoirs?  Am I the only one?  Thought so.

Love & Mercy - Silly me, I thought that Todd Haynes directed this. Boy!  Directors are getting usurped left and right these days!  Also, not that anyone cares, but I've actually heard the Brian Wilson song called "Love and Mercy."  And let me tell you something, kids... when you're watching Paul Dano and/or John Cusack in Love and Mercy, you won't be sitting there with your hands on your chin!  No sir!

Marvin's Room - With Margo Martindale as the rather somber Happy-Go-Lucky Overweight Best Friend... okay, DOCTOR Best Friend!

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl - Great double bill with Lars and the Real Girl and probably The Fault in our Stars... wow.  Even I'm thinking, "...why does the girl have to be dying?"  Must be a man's screenplay... yup!  And it's about filmmakers!  What a shock!  Great quadruple bill with Super 8.

My Gun is Quick - Robert Bray was from Kalispell!!!... I'll bet you 50¢ he wasn't.

Nightingale - Dang!  There's more producers than actors in this thing!!!!

No Country for Old Men - With Bill Murray as Carson Welch

Northfork -  This was filmed in Augusta, Montana!... I'll bet you 50¢ it wasn't.

Oz the Great and Powerful - Michelle Williams was born in Kalispell?!!!  ...I'll bet you 50¢ she wasn't.

Poker Donkey - Banner headline: Lara Harris to World (Facebook): I Exist!

Pretty Ugly People - AKA the Casting director's... agent's goal

Rally 'Round the Flag, Boys! - With Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward in roles originally intended for Rock Hudson and Doris Day, respectively..............

Red Skies of Montana - I'll bet you 50¢ it wasn't actually filmed in Montana...................

Revenge of the Nerds - Wait a minute... this isn't in Ogre's IMDb Top 4?  Oh dude... I seriously just died a little bit.

Room 13 -  This was filmed in Hamilton, Montana!... I'll bet you 50¢ it wasn't.

Room 13 Part 2 - Yeah, the Scream series was fun

RRRrrrr!!! - ...I don't know how I got here, but this is my new favourite title of all time!

Scenes from the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills - Some say that this is one of Paul Bartel's least offensive films.  But try mentioning his name when you're in Beverly Hills!  See how far that gets ya!

Season of Change - This was filmed in Hamilton, Montana!... I'll bet you 50¢ it wasn't

Self/less - The plot of Freejack, the title structure of Face/Off.  Two homages make an original piece, right?

"Sense8" - Yeah, Scanners was fun

Shock Corridor - In a post-Dolezal world, this film seems less and less crazy...

Six Degrees of Celebration (AKA Yolki) -The Russians rip off Garry Marshall's holiday series!  New Year's Eve... or maybe it's the other way around, who knows.  Sounds like the Russian version did better at the box office... oh, s'z'nap!

The Super Cops - Wambaugh-Lite... holy crap!  Did they use the F-bomb in a PG movie?

Three Priests - This was filmed in Choteau, Montana!... I'll bet you 50¢ it wasn't.

Thunderbolt and Lightfoot - This was filmed in Montana!  ...I'll bet you 50¢ it wasn't.

Tomorrowland - Director Brad Bird is from Kalispell, Montana! ... I'll bet you 50¢ he's not.

True Identity - Look... quit picking on Rachel Dolezal, all right?

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory - It was partly filmed in Montana!!..... I'll bet you 50¢ it wasn't.

Up in the Air - TOXIC air, as it turns out!

Valentino Returns - Based on a play named "Christ Has Returned to Earth."  Maybe I'm just a superficial being, but I prefer my gods to be a little unattractive.  You know, like Fat Buddha!  Or those weird blue elephant gods and stuff.  I mean, Jesus is okay, but he's probably not going to be captain of the football team anytime soon.  But sure, if Jesus came back to Earth to do silent movies, Valentino's a great role model.  Plus, you get to smoke!

Virtuosity - As a movie reviewer in all seriousness... I don't know where Virtuosity belongs in the scheme of things, how prescient it has turned out to be about artificial intelligence or computer-enhanced law enforcement... but it was SPOT ON when it comes to my satellite reception during a rainstorm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  As I'm sure that new Adam Sandler movie Pixels will be as well!

War Party - This was filmed in Choteau, Montana!... I'll bet you 50¢ it wasn't.

Watermelon Man - Look... quit picking on Rachel Dolezal, all right?

Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael - Boy!  Some movie critic I am!  And all this time I thought Winona Ryder was Roxy!  All I knew is that it was one of the first signs that Jim Abrahams was drifting apart from the Zucker brothers.  In some ways, he never really returned.

White Chicks -  Look... quit picking on Rachel Dolezal, all right?

The Winner - Is it me, or does Michael Madsen have the same look on his face EVERY POSTER??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wisconsin Project X - I'll bet you 50¢ it wasn't filmed in WISCONSIN!!!!!!

The Witches of Eastwick - Rated R for violence, language... and an instance of slut-shaming

Yankee Zulu - ... I've never even heard of that one

Young and Wild - Ummm... Far be it from me to correct the IMDb, but I think they have the wrong poster for the movie, so to speak...

The Young Kieslowski - Oh, The Big Lebowski!  I LOVE that movie! ...well, not really.  I don't care for drug humor.  And bowling!  I never really liked bowling.  I just don't understand what people see in this movie anyway.  I think people just like dressing up as movie characters.  But why this and not Star Wars?

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