American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt - I'm sorry, but I gotta put my foot down on this abomination. I mean, how can you have a movie in the beloved American Ninja series without Michael Dudikoff as Joe Armstrong? I mean..... HOW?!!!!!!!!!! It better be a damn good excuse. Nothing short of him becoming a four-star general, making his return to American Ninja 4 all the more triumphant. I could see a guy taking off for one whole film to accomplish that. I could totally get that. Otherwise... no. Unacceptable. Totally, totally, One Hundred Percent-ly unacceptable.
American Ninja 5 - WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT????!!!!!! Et tu, American Ninja 5? Et tu?
Austin Powers 4 - I'll confess... this is a sequel I didn't expect. I just hope it's not a complete trashing of the Roger Moore years of James Bond. But Mike's a little older now, a little wiser... and Roger Moore finally hung it up when he was 60, so...
Back to the Future, Part II - STILL?!!! Well, let me just say this about Back to the Future Part II... they were right about one thing: Biff Tannen becoming a ruthless billionaire in 1985A. In our world, he's better known as... DONALD TRUMP!!!!! EXTREME CLOSEUP..... WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA...... damn. The John Daily Show beat me to it.
Between the Shades - Remember, folks! It's not too late to pitch in and help fund this picture. You'll get to be an Associate Producer! How cool is that?
Coming to America - Authorities are apparently attempting to verify Dr. Ben Carson's anecdote about his chance to prove himself a hero in the face of a firearm at a Popeye's "organization." Personally, I think he was just deeply moved by the similar scene in 1988's smash hit Coming to America and, as time marched on, indeed it do, Carson just assumed that it actually happened to him. Wouldn't be the last time.
A Couch in New York - Facebook informs Unsympathetic Nation of premature death of director Chantal Akerman... Facebook also fails to mention that it was suicide.
"Dream On," Season 4, Episode 1 - I'm being told by Facebook that James Woods criticized President Obama's talking about the Umpqua Community College shooting in Oregon... you know, as Defense Attorney Dennis Youngblood might note on cross-examination, James, you are a 66-year old bat$#!+ crazy has-been who's dating a 20 year old GIRL.... no further questions.
Fresh Horses - I believe that Andrew McCarthy will make a fine Speaker of the House. He is always very contingent in every roll he choices to plow, and plus he is very politically statue on the some important issues, and other topics as well.
Get Well Soon - ...with proviso that you never direct again...
GoodFellas - Okay, okay, here's a parallel to the 2016 presidential campaign I haven't heard yet. See, Donald Trump keeps calling Jeb Bush a "low-energy person," even though Jeb's going to get his party's nomination. Because to me, Jeb Bush is like when we first meet Pauly Cicero, and Henry Hill says "Pauly might move slow... but that was because Pauly didn't have to move for anybody." Same thing with Jeb Bush, but with the CIA as backup.
Grad Night - Well, supermodels aren't known for their good taste in movie roles, so I guess that fits.
Hail, Caesar! - Just saw the trailer. Sure, even I, a lifelong Coen-head, think it's slightly derivative... but still! The triumphant return of Capitol Pictures! Of course, it's not the same without Colonel Lipnick at the helm, but whaddayagonnado
The Hateful Eight - I never thought I'd say this, but... it's Quentin Tarantino versus the New York and Los Angeles policemen's unions. And I think I side with Quentin on this one, because the police union's spokesman referred to my man's films as "depraved big screen fantasies" and to Q.T. himself as a "purveyor of degeneracy." And they're right, of course. But I also think I see where Tarantino's coming from. I mean, with all the high-profile police incidents over the past couple years, and the latest and greatest one happening IN A HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM of all places, many of us non-policemen can't help but look and think to our collective selves, who's the real purveyor of degeneracy here? Some Hollywood filmmaker, or all these insane, trigger-happy policemen? What's the real depravity? A popular film? Or the way black people are getting treated by some of these cops?
Junun - Oh yeah! With Ellen Page as the title character. LOVE that movie. It's the cheese to my macaroni.
The Letter - With a character named Charlie Meadows... just not in the cast.
The Man in 3B - ...I'm sorry, I thought they were re-releasing The Man in 3D. My mistake!
Mr. Wonderful - Remade in 1996 as A Couch in New York, apparently...
"No Direction Home: Bob Dylan" - Maybe it's just me, but I've noticed lately that Dylan quite often refers to women as "babe" and what not. Terribly sexist! I don't care for that. I don't care for that atoll... at all!
"The O'Reilly Factor" - I think I finally understand that TV show's unusual name! I was reading... okay, listening to an audio tape in my car... my accounting textbook, and there was a part talking about uncollectible receivables and accounts. There was a part talking about how big companies like Macy's and J.C. Penney... well, Macy's, anywho... big companies shift the risk of uncollectible receivables to smaller companies called "factors." So, the name "The O'Reilly Factor" is kind of like that, because when the Koch brothers unload a fresh excretion of right-wing talking point bullsh... I mean, excrement, it trickles down to "factors" like Fox News, who further smear it around, attempting to stain the culture as a whole. But at least O'Reilly's sort of honest about the agreement; Sean Hannity doesn't seem to get it. And Hannity still doesn't understand why he was paired with Colmes for all those years. Thank God that's over!
Return to Nim's Island - I dunno... without Jodie Foster or even Abigail Breslin on board, is it really a return? Can you really call it that?
Tiny Furniture - Yeah, yelling's fun.
The Wolf of Wall Street - The unrated version's now available on Blu-Ray and DVD? I think I'll pass........
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