Saturday, July 02, 2016

Short Reviews - July 2016

Man on the Moon - You know, "The Donald"'s run for the presidency reminds me of when Andy Kaufman tried to become a pro-wrestler.  Oh sure, the other pro-wrestlers pooh poohed the idea and all that, claiming that Kaufman lacked the bulk to really, truly be one of their ilk, but... I forget, did it turn out well?
The Astronaut Farmer - ...oh, that was her!  She played Vivica's best friend who goes up to the roof of the building anyway in the first Independence Day.

Bob Dylan: Don't Look Back - Okay, here's a cinephile's confession for you: when the part with Donovan came on, I confess I couldn't help but think to myself, why couldn't there be a film about Donovan?

"Bull" - I'm blissfully unaware of Michael Weatherly's work, but even I can't deny it: he's the new Stephen Collins.  We could use a new one, after all; the old one's getting a little pervy.

The Dark Crystal - You know, when I think about this year's presidential election, I can't help but think of the following line from The Dark Crystal... "But there is a prophecy.  A thousand years have passed, and now, once more, the world must undergo a time of testing.  Now it must be healed, or pass forever into the rule of evil."  Kinda feels like America's going to go for the latter this time.......................

Entertainment - Remake of The Dark Backward

A Fistful of Dynamite (aka Duck, You Sucker) - Recently seen on Turner Classic Movies, I believe it was, under the first title, A Fistful of Dynamite.  Now, I hate to do nothing but complain, but the Closed Captioning would come on about twenty seconds before the actual action and or line of dialogue.  Sure, not much to complain about during the sequence with very little dialogue, but what if they start doing a whole wild bunch of talking?  Nice going, MGM!  No wonder Columbia and Warner Bros. own large swaths of you now!

Frogs - Brought to you by MooFrog Creamery.  MooFrog Creamery!  The franchise that will leave you scratching your head, and wondering to yourself, "Why have frogs suddenly taken such an unhealthy interest in our dairy products?  So much so that they're using sagging costumes to try and pass themselves off as cows?"

Greasewood Flat - How many of these brothers are named Kieran?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - I only caught the fiery finale of this one, but man.  It must be a pain in the ass being Harry Potter, with people always wanting stuff from you.  The Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone, the Prophecy, gimme gimme gimme all day long.  Stupid Muggles.  Also, I probably don't know any better, but Lord Voldemort is your hidden, uber-bad guy... seems like they brought him out too early.  Were they just trying to pad this out to seven films or what?

The Hidden (1987) - A close friend of mine was trying to figure out what sort of mental illness Donald Trump suffers from.  I mean, I think we can all agree that he's crazy.  You'd have to be to run for president, for one... but I couldn't help but think of the body-hopping, social-climbing ruthless alien from The Hidden, who, incidentally, ends up in the body of a politician running for president... sorry, spoiler alert.

I Am Wrath - Ah, yes.  Basically, John Travolta in Gran Torino.

I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With - Jeff Garlin has just announced the sequel to be called I Want to Eat Cheese with Rebel Wilson

"Maya & Marty" - Now, maybe I'm biased, but it seems like Marty's doing all the heavy lifting.  Getting Steve Martin to come on, Seinfeld and Larry David... meanwhile, where the hell's Gwyneth?  I thought she and Maya were friends!

Mistress - Welp, another quasi-celebrity falls into the moral abyss of child pornography.  The first or second thing I thought to myself is, holy crap!  I saw that guy in Mistress!  Is some of this bad karma going to rub off on me?

Morgan - A more modern suitable case for treatment, but it seems a bit like Lucy.  Also, is this part of Kate Mara's penance for the Fantastic Four reboot?

Our Brand Is Crisis - Yeah, Spinning Boris called; wants its plot back

The Picasso Summer - This is playing on the TV in the other room, and the soundtrack makes it seem like a horror movie

Pretty Baby - With Keith Carradine as... BELLOCQ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Red Lights - Now Dana's the Ghostbuster!

The Spitfire Grill - Well, I'm going to use this meagre, obscure space to lodge a complaint against the cable Powers That Be on behalf of my cinephile friend who once made public his love for The Spitfire Grill.  Sure, maybe the cable Powers That Be think it's a piece of crap, but otherwise what's the problem?  Plenty of other Pieces of Crap being shown on cable these days!  Doesn't this piece of crap deserve the HD upgrade treatment?  Is there some kind of Piece of Crap union that it needs to pay unpaid dues to or something?  All due respect to unions, of course... I mean, they're showing Yellowbeard and Howard the Duck in revamped HD, for God's sake.  Lord knows they would hardly be described as iconic, not even ironically.  You're telling me no one else gets a turn in the HD sunlight?  Not even Spitfire?  A thumbs down forever from the emperors in the Colosseum?

Splendor in the Grass - Now I know what Katy Perry was singing about with her song, "The One that Got Away."  Of course, the one she shouldn't let get away is CoverGirl, or Revlon... whichever one she's the spokesperson for

The Street Fighter (aka The Streetfighter) - When you think of Hollywood, you tend not to think of things that are family run... at least, I don't usually.  But New Line Cinema, it's practically a family-run studio!  Okay, besides Aaron Spelling's company, but we watched the opening credits of The Street()Fighter tonight, and I saw the name Jack Sholder.  First, I thought, as I always do these days, no.  What's his real name?  (there was also a guy in the credits named 'King Stone.'  Puh-leeeeeze...)  And second, I thought, oh, right!  He also did The Hidden for New Line Cinema!  See what I mean?  Family run.

Transcendence - I ran across another delightful IMDb list.  Someone compiled a list of people they find annoying.  Of course, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter are annoying, just not very cinematically so, thank goodness.  And then... Wally Pfister?  Really?  Seriously?  How... why... oh, I get it.  Gregory Dark must've compiled this list.

Transformers: Age of Extinction - In addition to the Razzie Awards, this film is now featured on an IMDb list of 26 films that made a billion dollars worldwide.  Of course, with ticket prices being what they are, that's only about 50,000 tickets actually sold.  I'd be more interested in the data about just the movie tickets, unaffected by the constant fluctuations of the various global currencies involved.  And that's another factor to consider: the globalization of the Hollywood cinema.  At some point, they invested in infrastructure, sometime in the '90s I think, and now we can learn how the latest superhero movie fared in Indonesia or Sierra Leone.  Incidentally, that's what the list is, mostly sequels and superhero movies.  Only one Harry Potter?  How's that work?  Sobchak-bots activate!

And finally, as we move on to the next month...

"Hogan's Heroes" - All the pundits, comedy or otherwise, are busy trying to nail down what Hillary's VP pick Tim Kaine or who he looks like.  A clown, the most boring guy ever since Mike Pence, the guy in the VP picture frame at Staples, what have you.  Guys and gals, please!  Let me save you all a bunch of trouble.  Tim Kaine is either a) the spitting image of Bob Crane, or

Marty - b) a ringer for Ernest Borgnine!  OR...

Double Indemnity - c) a ringer for Edward G. Robinson.  Pick one and run with it!

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