Saturday, October 01, 2016

Short Reviews - October 2016

Above the Law 2 - I almost hate to say it, but a) Andrew Davis probably isn't directing, and b) therefore, by the Transitive Property of the Director Involved... it's a'gonna suck.

Addicted - Steals the poster of Body Double

Big Fish - NOT BIGLY FISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Doctor Strange -  I mean, is Marvel Studios really taking on Inception?  Whoa dude... the main character is a neurosurgeon who becomes a superhero.  If Ben Carson's not the villain he goes up against, well... I'll be very disappointed... and so might Ben!

Double Jeopardy - I hate to keep bringing things around to Trump, and I promise I'll probably stop in November, but I can't stop thinking about how grotesque that second "debate" was.  Specifically, that Trump went to all the trouble to round up that old gang of Clinton accusers.  I guess Monica Lewinsky herself didn't want to participate; go figure.  She apparently couldn't bring herself to parrot Trump's line about... something about America, and making it into something else.  And as usual, Trump gives his brand of apology... incidentally, for all the parents out there, if you have a child who apologizes by blaming their bad behaviour on someone else... correct that behaviour, immediately immediately immediately.  "I apologize for taking the last cookies out of the jar, but let's be frank, folks.  My older brothers?  Much worse when it comes to the jar of cookies, much worse."  Anyway, this John Grisham knock-off has an interesting legal principle featured in it, even in the title if memory serves.  Something about how a person can't be charged twice for the same crime.  Okay, okay, that's just in the courts, but in the public eye, Bill Clinton will apparently be viewed by some as a reprehensible individual forever and ever for his various youthful indiscretions, real and imagined alike.  But is this the new normal now?  The next time David Vitter goes into a debate, is his opponent going to bring all the brothel workers he's been with up on the debate stage?  Will Mark Cuban invite Ivana Trump and Marla Maples to the third debate?  Will we just have to go to campaign websites to find out about policy positions at this point?  As for the four women that Trump has apparently hired to work on his campaign, well... I shouldn't demean them any more than both Trump and the Clintons already have, but try to get paid in cash when working for Trump, because I hear his checks have a tendency to bounce.  A lot.

A Face in the Crowd - I believe we have our current moment!!! (open mic)

Hacksaw Ridge - On the one hand, it's sprawling epic time, gorgeous cinematography, possibly an Oscar sweep; of course, if it wins Best Picture, how many producers would get statues?  Ten?  24? On the other hand, it's directed by... Crazy Mel Gibson.  Yeesh.  I know, I know, he's better now.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1939) - It's not in the quotes section, but  ... dayamn!  Those are some very very romantic quotes!  Heloise and Abelard-type sh... stuff.  Anyway, here's some good advice for Donald Trump in case any more of "Trump's women" come forward with serious allegations of sexual assault.  I believe it was Frollo who placed the blame for his infatuation on Esmerelda squarely where it belongs... on Esmerelda.  Class act all the way.  And why not?  God didn't have a problem with Frollo's logic!

Inception - The older I get, the more I think to myself... boy, but dreams are stupid.  First of all, you can't build anything on the beach.  The skyscrapers all crumble, for one thing... what's that all about.  Anyway, I remembered a little bit more of my dream today!  First, I dreamed I was in the movie Assassins, and Antonio Banderas was going to kill a guy with a knife.  Instead, he just threw a knife at the wall behind the guy.  The wall fell over and crushed the guy instead.  Looks better in court, anyway, I suppose.  VERY NEXT SCENE... I'm playing frisbee in a field with a bunch of people... and that's another thing.  You can't walk or run in a dream because your legs turn into bubble gum.  Same thing with a frisbee... well, actually, I throw a frisbee in dreams about as well as I throw one in real life.  Anyway, the guy I'm throwing the frisbee to... I got some sunlight in my eye, and I look, and the guy instantly disappears.  I say to the other people in the dream field playing frisbee, "Um... he just instantly disappeared, right?"  No response.  Boy!  I guess it's like Fleetwood Mac once said, players only love you when they're playing.  So I shrugged and kept on chucking the frisbee.  And yes, I blew the opportunity for a lucid dream.  What can me say?  Me gullible as hell.

Indecent Proposal - Well, every presidential campaign seems to impart one lesson or another, often about economics.  In the current instance, 1993's Indecent Proposal is probably well within the going rate of the ruling aristocracy.  One million dollars is probably still the going rate for one night with the wife of a married couple... ten thousand dollars for an afternoon tryst?  If I were Jessica Drake, I'd ask to see some blood tests first......................... sorry, I'm just not that good of a writer, I confess

Inferno - Well, Ron Howard could always use a hit.  Arguably, it's been a while!

Intolerable Cruelty - I'm apparently the only one I know who likes this movie at all, but see if this example of logic seems familiar to you... specifically when it comes to Donald Trump and or one of his surrogates.  Sorry, one more month to go, maybe.  Anyway, it's the opening scene, and Donovan Donnelly... Donaly returns home early because the production meeting was cancelled.  He discovers his wife's having an affair.  She clocks him on the head and stabs him in the ass with one of his more dangerous awards, long story short, and she goes to see Miles Massey, Super Attorney.  Another long story short, and Miles outlines her case for her, then reaches a little bit when he says "Wasn't it in fact HE who was sleeping with the pool man?"

"Playboy Video Centerfold: Playmate 2000 Bernaola Twins" - Thank GOD Donald kept his clothes on!

SCTV - Season 2, Episode 4: "Indecent Exposure" - We just saw this one recently... the whole thing, not just the Jackie Rogers Mother Nature special.  And I couldn't help but think of Trump's limp, bronze-plated debate performance, because Guy Caballero has a similar moment when he tells the SCTV Board of Directors about his Billy Barty Theory, that merely saying Billy Barty's name always gets a laugh.  Unfortunately, his theory doesn't hold up the third time at that particular board meeting, once Caballero's fiduciary inproprieties come more fully into light.  But don't worry, folks, because Trump's going to keep bringing up Rosie O'Donnell as often as he has already.  More so now, in fact!  Just like he refers to Elizabeth Warren as... well, you know. (and if you don't, even better)  As for a Republican nominee for president calling on the American people to look at an alleged "sex tape," well... first of all, sure, it's more of a Libertarian move, really, and second, that's what most computer people do at work these days anyway.  (And of course, third, he never said that [2nd debate])  But I'd still like to see the whites of Rudy Giuliani's eyes as he's forced to go on TV and defend this rather original political tactic.  Who's next on the proverbial Uggo chopping block?  Ashley Graham?

Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor - an homage to the Showgirls poster... and this, of course

Think Big - Arguably, Jon Turteltaub's best movie, and IT'S NOT CALLED THINK BIGLY!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Walker, Texas Ranger - Season 1, Episode 1: One Riot, One Ranger" - Wow!  They were just showing this on a channel called "Grit."  I had no idea it was the first, but I should've guessed from the opening credits, treating it like an actual movie.  But I saw what's his face in it... yeah, him!  Elya Baskin, that dirty ol' bastard.  The one semi-serious role he ever had was as Russian Kevin Costner in Thirteen Days... love that movie.

"Westworld" (2016) - I hate to coin a phrase like "massacre porn," but... man, but we've come a long way from the simple joy of Yul Brynner doing battle with Richard Benjamin.  The catering of Hollywood screenplays to the smug brains of computer programmers continues unabated... and I should know!  I'm an amateur one!  Now, I'm no genius, and I guess I won't try to spoil it, but in the first episode, the hot cougar lady... I mean, Theresa Cullen, played by the loverly Sidse Babett Knudsen, alluded to an "end game" to all of this.  Yes, there's something deeper going on here than a giant chunk of what looks like the Grand Canyon now devoted to a theme park that seems to not be making a profit... bigly.  Damn it!  Apparently, it's an actual word, like "hugely" and "largely."  Anyway, let's leave aside the economics of the park for a second, and get back to the "end game."  I think I know what it is; I'm just not sure how J. J. Abrams and Jonathan Nolan feel about it.  Could go either way at this point.  If they got beat up a lot in school, well... we're probably all screwed.  Let's leave it at that.

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