Sunday, July 09, 2017

Remake / Reboot Madness

...oops!  I thought that Luc Besson film was out this weekend.  No, the saturation internet ad campaign is for two weeks from now, which is probably what it will take to get it to #1 by that point.  And of course, getting all the stars to go on the various talk shows: both Jimmys, Colbert, Carson Daly... Marc Maron's podcast, whatever's still hot these days, I have no idea.  I'm not in high school anymore so I don't know what the cool people are into anymore.  Just the usual, I guess: illegal drugs, driving fast... all the usual stuff to piss off their parents.  Truth is, the parents are even worse than the kids!  Hate to break it to ya.
I'll tell you what, though.  As you probably heard from the CBS News Blip on Sundays, gas is at about three dollars a gallon, the CIA and NSA are still hemorrhaging secrets thanks to the new Dumb-Ass-Der in Chief, and Spider-Man: Homecoming was #1 with north of a hundred million dollars this weekend.  And if you do indeed go to the film's IMDb page, you'll get all those fancy Flash graphics that still plague the internet, despite what the HTML 5 nerds would have you believe.  Yeah, and the Blender 3-D plugin was supposed to change the internet, too, know whut I mean, Vern?  How'd that work out for ya?
These brain farts, incidentally, are brought to you by Mighty Whitey Toothpaste.  They'll keep your teeth... Amazing(TM) (R)!  Anyway, back to the Top 10.  The Spider-Man movie was the only debut this week, crushing all competition in its path, as the superhero movies are wont to do these days.  Well, this was before there was all this Marvel(TM) synergy happening.  This was before... and I'm talking about Sam Raimi's third installment of the Spider-Man franchise.  He didn't have the benefit of a Tony Stark cameo at the end of his or any of that stuff.  He stood by Tobey Maguire as Spidey through all three, and that was that.  Now, we've got no Andrew Garfield, and... NEED MORE BE SAID?  Is a little cast consistency too much for a brutha to ask for?  Well, IS IT????  So let's instead take a brief look at the director of this latest box office smash.  And his name is... Marc Webb?  Shawn Levy?  Adam Shankman?  Brian Levant?  John Badham?  Andy Tennant?  It's hard to keep up sometimes.  For me, more often than not.  More gutters than strikes, if you will... ooh!  How about Raja Gosnell?  There's another artist who wasn't afraid to make a little money over the big weekends!  If it means semi-prominent placement of a Dr. Pepper or two in the big emotional scene, who wouldn't?  Am I right?  No, the director, practically fresh out of film school, is named Jon Watts.  And furthermore, if you go to this picture of him... Bazinga?  I'm drifting off now, thinking of that last, and probably final, season of "Project Greenlight" where a couple of the runners-up were preparing for their big presentation day by doing push-ups.  You know, director stuff.  Placement of the cameras, dealing with angry stewards of about ten different unions, talking crying movie stars out of their dressing rooms and or trailers... and push-ups.  I'd say the push-up part of it is probably the most important one, wouldn't you?  Of course, when you're an n-tuple threat like Jon Watts, and you've worked for "The Onion," of all places, well... no rest for the weary!  Well, even Bruce Vilanch was once on the fringes of showbiz; now apparently he's the go-to guy in Hollywood when you need jokes now.  And jokes about now.  Not the usual mother-in-law jokes, or the eternally true jokes about necks that are red, but now now jokes.  Jokes that seem to be emanating straight from the White House.  That perfect combination of inside the beltway, yet of the people... what was I getting at?  Oh, right!  "The Onion."  You know, once upon a time, The Onion was a newspaper equivalent of Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" segment, except that the headlines weren't based on actual events.  Now they seem to have shut down the film review portion of the A.V. Club ( and moved it to television somewhere.  And now, they've got the ear of Marvel(TM)(R) Studios!  Which is a division of Disney(TM)(R)!  Is this not the summit?  The pinnacle of showbiz?  Incidentally, this brain fart is brought to you by Pinnacle(TM) Movie Editing Software.  Yes, what Borland once was to your college bookstore, Pinnacle is now to Best Buy and Costco.  The best movie editing suite for your PC that money can buy... without looking too far and wide for a better editing suite.  How's Studio Pro for the Apple?  Or whatever it's called... good?  Is it pretty good?

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