Saturday, June 24, 2006

¡Box Office Salsa!

I'm literally out the door for my extended 3-day or so vacation, but I'm not about to leave all my loyal readers hanging! I promised to open up a six-pack of whoop-ass on last week's box office, and so I shall... although it's a rough draft. See you later!!

It's that time of the week again! Where we put the Box Office on the slide and observe it wriggling around under the microscope. We got a couple newbies, plenty of oldbies, and only one over 200 million! Sorry, Da Vinci, a million is a million.
At #10 it's Over the Hedge, and it's almost over the horizon! Sorry, DreamWorks, I already watched the whole thing at Costco on 60" HDTVs, b'eatch! The way God intended movies to be watched.#9 it's Da Davinci code... At this point they've scrapped all TV and print advertising and are instead relying on accompanying magazine articles. Take Newsweek's most recent cover story "Was Da Vinci gay?" I understand he did have artistic tendencies... Case closed.
At #8 it's The Omen. Sigh. America's just not in the mood to be scared right now. They, like me, are waiting for a Saw 3 Halloween, baby! That's all the candy I need.
And now, we get to the newbies. Garfield 2 debuts at #7... Frankly, I remain un-impressed. The first one did better than that! So, you mean to tell me I spent the last 3 weeks reading Garfield strips of that fat cat saying "I hate sequels" for NOTHING?!!!
X-Men has hardly taken its last stand at the box office as it stays at #6 with an impressive cumulative total of 216 million. With Wolverine's fingernails to cling with, it could stay there forever!
Ah, The Break-Up. Guess America's not in the mood to see America's 2nd hottest couple on the skids. America needs to believe in love right now, and the jazz-scatting of Favreau and the Vinnie Vaughn Invasion just isn't gonna cut it. Sorry, guys. We'll wait for Made 2 for that.
The Lake House, aka Speed 3: Through the Portal of Time debuted strongly at #4, almost as well as Hope Floats. Hey Letterman, will THAT float?
FF3 debuts at, where else? #3! Nothing more fitting. I think the scariest thing about this is there are Paul Walker clones out there! How he escaped from the gravitational pull of She's All That, I'll never know, and neither will Stephen Hawking or Baby Albert Einstein... I just eMC square'd in my diapers!
Finally we get to Nacho Libre. The big one. The sophomore debut of the Idaho Coen Bros. and with advertising muscle like MTV behind it, how could it not be the #1 live action comedy? I assume MTV helped out where it could with behind the scenes specials every other hour, and a Nacho-themed episode of Undressed to boot. I don't know, I haven't watched MTV in years. Show videos again!

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