Wednesday, June 20, 2007

close enough

And it's official! Die Hard 4 is rated PG-13. Oh, bitter dis-appointment. I haven't felt this let down since Alien v. Predator got the same rating! You'd think between the two of 'em it'd get an NC-17 for violence alone! Guess Verhoeven wasn't directing.

Okay, let's sneak up slowly on this week's Box Office, to make the new arrival's glory that much more glorified. At #10 it's Spider Man 3, and I hate to say it, but what the hell ... PATHETIC! Must be on video in China already... WITH commentary! How sad is that. Of course, the commentary is in Chinese, and the audience that night all chip in their two cents, but at least you didn't have to wait and pay the Costco premium price.
At #9 it's Mr. Brooks. Tig Productions, don't give up your day job!
Hostel 2 clocks in at #8. Well, it's still doing way better than The Condemned. Can't Quentin be friends with both?
At #7 it's Nancy Drew. Oh dear, does this mean that Emma Roberts is doomed to a lifetime of Hollywood outcast-ery just like ol' pappy Weirdo? Or does it mean that the recession's finally hitting the Nickelodeon crowd? Well, Emma, you just might be okay if the Maxim crowd embraces you. It's what saved Rose's career! Personally, I'd blame the director. He's still trying to get back into the Hollywood auteur crowd.
At #6 it's Shrek 3, and it's managed to maintain its lead over Pirates at 297 million, yet still lags 30 million behind Spider Man 3. PATHETIC!!!!!
And now the bigger half of the pie, starting off with Surf's Up at #5. Yawn, dude.
At #4 it's Pirates 3, and the big news of the week is that Depp's made a big pile of money his own self from this, about 92 million according to Forbes magazine! Man, no pirate loyalty! Still, it should take care of those pesky alimony problems for a while. And yet, he's not looking forward to Pirates 4. Can you believe that?
At #3 it's Knocked Up, still hanging in there. You know why? Well, part of its success is the simplicity of its poster: Seth Rogen's mug. Quite simply, the best movie poster since Paternity.
At #2, it's Ocean's 13. And sure, Bernie Mac's ready to retire from stand-up, but he'd rather do Ocean's 14 than another Inspector Gadget sequel. Supposedly.
And finally, as expected, Silver Surfer kicks a little asteroid this week with the biggest take. And who knows, maybe another surfing movie will come along to get caught up in this hot new surfing trend at the box office. Much bigger than the poker movies these days. And the big news is that a Simpsons alum worked on this turkey, thereby de-turkey-fying it a little bit. I haven't seen anything like it since the baby Bills were leaving the big Microsoft nest in the late 90s, and everywhere they went they would spread economic goodwill. But that was a pre-9/11 world, and America is now a petroleum-based economy, not a software-based economy. And speaking of Presidential politics influencing the cinema, why does every movie have to be based on an environmental disaster? Can't there be a superhero movie about an oil man that fights an impending environmental threat that's making gardens too bountiful and makes trees grow too fast? C'mon, Big Idea! You can do it!
Well, better get going. I gotta re-arrange the dirty dishes stacking up again. This is Stinky, over and out.

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