Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Depp-ity Do

I just recalled one of those weird-ass dreams one has in the afternoon in the searing spring heat, where I was keeping my trackball mouse next to my bed and I knocked it over and cracked the trackball. One of those 'It Figures!' moments. But I'm awake and it's not broken so I can't help but feel slightly ahead on the deal. Which brings us to another bitter, contentious Box Office dispute this week. So let's start off at the bottom of the barrel, where the disparity between the rich and the poor couldn't be more clear. It's Disturbia at #10 with an anemic 1.13 million at the box office. PATHETIC! But who knows, maybe it'll stick around long enough for Transformers to blow it out of the water, or keep it afloat at #10. I'm in the middle of a Shia sandwich! I see that Carrie-Anne Moss is in this. Hey, Carrie-Anne, what's your game now can anybody play? Let me guess, is there a scene where you close your eyes and look distraught? You can teach that one to your acting class. Rowwrrr! Speaking of which, I love the IMDb's new feature of having photos of the film's premiere, and there's a photo of Kiely Williams of The Cheetah Girls. She gives it five paws! And she never gives a movie five paws.
28 Weeks Later is clinging at #9 a mere 4 weeks later from its USAian premiere. There's some bad grammer in there somewhere, but hey! Not bad for the web, right? And just to show there's no hard feelings, Danny Boyle's the exec prod on this one! Although, guess it hasn't made enough so he can quit the day job. Oh well, c'est la guerre. She is a fierce mistress, whether it's a fake pandemic or a real quagmire.
Speaking of horror films, Bug is at #8. I'm too rushed this week, can't make the segues any cattier. I don't get it! This is an Ashley Judd picture, isn't it? Where's the feminist pride? Where's the revenge on that sneaky ex-hubby? Where's the Big Unifying Theory on the fact that all men are pigs, yet they seek fresh cows? Hell, where's Morgan Freeman?! Too many unanswered questions. That's why it's tanking.
At #7 it's Gracie. Nice try, Davis Guggenheim. There's some of us who remember the liberal genies you let out of the bottle with the Academy-Award winning PowerPoint presentation, An Inconvenient Truth. I don't care if you make a thousand Gracies, the Cato Institute is gonna be on your ass like a redneck on pork rinds. Boo-yah! You just got served, or punk'd, one of the tween. I just don't care anymore.
Finally we get to a film that made more than 2 million this weekend! It's Waitress at #6, and I assume director Adrienne Shelley gave herself a meatier role than she had in, say, Factotum. Seriously, it was a small role. No lines or anything! WTF?!
Speaking of bugs run amok, at #5 it's Spider Man 3, having only spun 7.58 million worth of silk around that box office public. If I were Sony I'd be getting a little nervous. I know the Spider Man franchise took a walk on the wild side this go-round, 50s Bill Haley style and all, but still. Hey, at least it's not a total write-off like Superman 5, right?
At #4 it's Mr. Brooks which made exactly 10 million dollars. Go ahead! Check Variety. Not one penny over 10 million. Scary. Much like the film itself, I'm told. I guess it made more than Employee of the Month made total, right? Something like that. Both have a long way to go to catch up to Wedding Crashers, anyhow. Uphill all the way, boys.
At #3 it's Shrek 3. Doing pretty well, but it's probably got the most tie-in promotions of any other film out now, even more than Knocked Up at #2. Looks like we can expect another film from Mr. Apatow in 2008! Looks like you survived Celtic Pride after all; Colin, not so much.
At #1 it's Pirates 3. What's with all these three-parters? It's like some kind of curse on the Smurfs or something! Why, we're already up to Saw 4 this Halloween! IMHO - I'm going to go out on a limb here. So far I've only seen two of the Threequels this spring movie season and I can say unequivocally that Pirates 3 was the most entertaining of all. They've managed to do the best job of staying on that even blockbuster keel. And it's probably got the funniest peanut you'll ever see in a blockbuster. How many films can claim that, seriously?

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