Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Escape to which mountain? HAHAHAHAHAH...

Sorry, I just couldn't resist. Yes, Disney's severed head must be smiling in its icebox now, because Disney's Race to Witch Mountain is #1, baby! It was at 25 million, but after the recount it slightly slipped, but it's still undisputed. Number one. And you know what that means: every George Lucas Jr. in the suburbs with a camcorder and about ten thousand dollars worth of software and hardware's gonna be gunnin' for you. You came out the best, now deal with the rest. Incidentally, who won that Spielberg show on Fox? Maybe it was Fickman! Just kidding, Fickman, I know you're kind of a big deal.
And we go from Fickman to Watchmen, slipping slightly at #2. Well, we can't all be The Dark Knight, now, can we? But at least Watchmen's got one thing that The Dark Knight didn't have: a nuclear explosion! On the other hand, so did the last Indiana Jones, and we know how THAT turned out... I mean, besides making a ton of money. Where's MY complementary ticket, damn it?
At #3 is the latest horror flick. They're not as numerous as they once were during the last administration, but they haven't totally disappeared, either. And this one's called... ah, who cares.
At #4, the insanity continues. People will be writing books about this. And according to my own crackerjack research, Taken has enjoyed a whopping 7 weeks on my beloved American Top 10 at the box office!! Now the caviar is flowing like champagne at Luc Besson's house! Meanwhile, Robert Mark Kamen's going for his Ringo walk with Gatchaman. I guess he's not the only one who could use a break from Luc. Now, how can this movie be doing so much better than Madea Goes to Jail? I mean, seriously? But don't worry, folks, because apparently Tyler's going to write a fresh Madea screenplay just for you. That dude's a workhorse. He's like the black David E. Kelley or Stephen J. Cannell, only more Jesus-y. And where's his Michelle Pfeiffer? When's Madea going to have her own A-Team?
As for the rest of you mugs, well... it's just not worth pondering about. Just too unbearable. Is it just me, or does anyone else think that that Jillian Michaels is a little too mannish? I mean, I'm glad she's in shape and all, and I'm sure she can kick my ass, and she probably would if she reads this, too, but... Anyway, SM's finally just about run its course. According to my own crackerjack research... it has enjoyed a total of 12 weeks in the Top 10. It dipped off the Top 10 twice in its run, but it came back big time. It once got up to #3 the week after the Oscars, but that was it. Still, pretty damn impressive. Time to make Trainspotting 2, Danny. Or is Robert Carlyle as hated in the biz as I think he is?
Paul Blart and HJNTIY and Coraline continue their graceful transition to the video shelves, and finally at #10 we got Miss March. Apparently, Americans aren't as tasteless as I once thought. Oh sure, they like tasteless humor, but only if it's done well. Or at least written smartly. Sometimes it's not enough just to be original, and coma-related humor usually works, but why take Kramer's word for it? Okay, so you say, well, it's The Whitest Kids U Know! They're like, the new The State or the new Broken Lizard or the new Mr. Show... frankly, I'm not terribly hip to all these new-fangled comedy 'troupes.' If they're not part of a PBS pledge drive, they're not for me.

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