Wednesday, April 15, 2009


Brought to you by KatieFun789. Oh, she's out there, guys, believe me. I'm surprised she hasn't been spoken for yet! Oh, but she's not gonna date just any lump of protoplasm with a Y chromosome. No, you gotta have a Yahoo! Mail account to win this gal's heart... oops, wrong photo. No, the photo this week is of Emmy Rossum in something called Dragonball Evolution. Why does that make me think of Dakota Fanning in Push? Must be the similar box office performance.
Sad to think that someone like Emmy's already become passé; guess she doesn't show off her Golden Globes enough. Ohhh, snap! Sorry, folks, but it's late and I had to go for it. But you know who hasn't become passé yet? Miley Cyrus! But you probably already knew that. The Hannah Montana movie performs as expected at this week's box office... but could it have done better? I mean, it didn't leave its competition in the dust like Spielberg's pics usually do. Look at those numbers! Vin Diesel's juggernaut comes in at #2 with a boffo 27.2 million, just 5 less than Miley. The way Vin's going, I think it's time to start a new movie franchise called The Bald and the Beautiful. Ohhh, double-snap! Sorry, Vin, I know everyone else picks on you, but that's what happens when you were once king of the box office. In third place, something even more life-like than, well, than Miley Cyrus, it's Monsters & Aliens... something like that. Also hauling in a fine box office catch this week. Seth Rogen does a voice in that one, and he stars in this week's #4 entry, Observe and Report. I'm telling you, Jody Hill and company will never let us forget. And to show you the level of disrespect this turkey's getting, the clip they showed on The Daily Show featured an ex-Daily Show correspondent Dan Bakkedahl. AND NO ONE CARED! No one said peep! Seth didn't say peep, Jon didn't say peep. Which reminds me, damn, Seth lost the poundage! I gotta learn from you, buddy. You're just gonna have to get re-typecast all over again. You won't get the roles you once got now that you're thin is all I'm sayin.
And at #5, Knowing hasn't quite cleared 100 mill yet, but maybe it's close enough, who knows. It won't slow Nic Cage down any; looks like he's booked til 2015 at least. Maybe til the next solar eclipse over the USA.
As for the rest, well, there's not much to joke about here. Frankly, I hate to talk about the rest for fear I'll catch some Second-Hand Suck. But I Love You, Man, the hot bro-mance pic of the season is still going strong at #6. And it's a ... well, I was going to say it's a comeback for the bro-mantic comedy king, John Hamburg, but even the most upbeat and hopeful among us know that he was doing much better riding Ben Stiller's coat-tails. And it looks like there's another three-quel along the way in that same vein! Shame they don't trust Hamburg to direct it, but that's how cutthroat the biz is. You get the right kind of A-list blood in the water, and the faster DGA sharks get the prize.
We already tore Dragonball Evolution a new one, and we've got The Haunting in Connecticut... don't worry, Madsen! You'll get that Sideways 2 someday, I know it. And Duplicity's last stand, preceded by Adventureland, but for those of you who can't get enough Van Wilder, he's got another comic book movie coming up: Wolverine. It's just barely going to make that May 1 deadline, but they're trimming it down at the MPAA's request. Apparently, the violence was a little too X-rated, even compared to that recent Punisher 'sequel'. And there's also that extended Gitmo-esque sequence that the director insisted on... yes, we all remember how important Rendition was. Well, that's what I heard, anyway. Gotta run! Please direct all serious inquiries to my webmaster. But dumb it down a bit. He's still in high school.

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