Monday, April 27, 2009

Do you WAAAAANT... to come back to my place, Beyoncé Beyoncé!

If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me; I am no longer infected... Nuthin'? Awright, folks, the point is...
The point is I lost some valuable useless data! Sure, it was useless, but it was MINE, damn it! I think what happened was, I assumed I had already saved it, and that I was just doing touch-up work. I had the opposite problem before: I would work on an old file thinking it was the new file, and overwriting data THAT way. So I made a copy of the old file, gave it the new name, and didn't save the changes. Did any of that make sense? Good! Now, let's get down and dirty with this week's box office. And it certainly is down and dirty this week. Look at all these angry, paranoid titles! Obsessed! Fighting! The Soloist! WFT is going on here? I misspelled WTF, didn't I? Man, I'm still losin' it.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Well, I hated to do it, but I've officially marked Dragonball Evolution as a one-week wonder, to be remembered at the end of the year. I thought maybe it'd make a comeback, but the movie market these days is on the march. And Justin Chatwin's doomed to become one of these guys that everyone hates, like Hayden Christensen and ... Pauly Shore? Paul Walker too, I guess. Pauly Shore's too obscure now. But remember, guys, it's just the jealousy talking.
Which reminds me. I wanted to share with you this dream I had the other day. I dreamed I was in the mall and I see Kathleen Quinlan and Anne Archer, and they walk up to each other. And they just stand there, staring at each other for, like, fifteen minutes! Just staring, looking depressed, or concerned, or whatever their milieu is. I couldn't believe it. Quinlan was in American Graffiti, of all things! This must be before she hit her stride as a serious actress, looking serious and forlorn forever after in everything she's ever done. So the two of them keep staring at each other, and a small crowd starts to gather, and no one can figure out if they're trying to stare each other down, or if they're about to make out. Then Maura Tierney shows up and all hell breaks loose.
And I wake up. But I keep avoiding the subject. Partly because I don't understand the main source of the advertising. Web ads alone can't do it. Well, I did see a few during The Daily Show, but somehow it doesn't seem like that audience's type of film. And I'm talking of course about Obsessed, and I guess it's been a while since we've seen a good old fashioned romantic thriller like Fatal Attraction or Basic Instinct or ... something without Michael Douglas. But the American movie-going public, oh they are a fickle bunch. Why do they go to see Beyoncé in this, yet avoid Cadillac Records in droves? I thought she was a good singer! She gets a lot of work on the Oscars, that's for sure. Also, a big turnout for fans of Heroes' Tracy Strauss. Which leaves that new black dude from The Office in the middle. Crikey! What's a rudeboy gotta do to get some bleedin' respect around 'ere? Sorry, but that's all the slang I know. So congrats to you, Obsessed, and I look forward to flipping past you on Cinemax one of these days.
Incidentally, as long as I'm on the subject, here's something you'll never read on this blog: "Opening at #1 it's the big anticipated summer hit starring Jason Schwartzman!" Even if it's Batman 3 and he's the new Batman. It just ain't happening. You can bank on it. At #2, it's 17 Again. Don't care. But I will give a Shout Out to its director: Flock of Seagulls. At #3 it's Fighting. It's either the sequel to Waiting..., or the all-dude version of Girlfight. One or the other. And it is a triumph for its star, Channing Tatum. And he's late to the party, but he is indeed part of that ever-growing clique of name-centric nepotistic movie stars, like Keri Russell and Kate Bosworth. I guess they're the only ones. See, you might think Keri Russell is Kurt Russell's daughter from a previous message, but no. She's doing it without a net, all on talent. And you might think Kate Bosworth is a cute cousin of Brian Bosworth, but no. She's rising through the ranks without a net, all on talent. And, with more than a little help from Kevin Spacey, I might offer! As for Channing Tatum, same deal. You might think he was the progeny of either Stockard Channing or Tatum O'Neal, but no. Straight from the bowels of Middle America, smack dab onto our silver screens he goes. It won't be long before he's doing Chill Factor 2 direct-to-video with ... Cuba Gooding Jr.? Oh no. Say it isn't so, Cuba. This is the kind of job for the likes of Bill Bellamy or Charlie Murphy.
Moving quickly on to #4, it's The Soloist, and congratulations, Jamie Foxx! You beat Hannah Montana after all! Still, this is just blatant Oscar bait, I hope you know that.
That's all I got on that so far. And finally, rounding out the top 5, it's Earth. And Disney owns it now. Rather, Disney's losing money on it now. Which just goes to show you, the earth is too expensive to save. Sorry, environmentalists, but you know it's true. Let's just let the corporations do whatever the hell they want to until Jesus comes back with his magic mop. And gives us all loaves and fishes and a new Mercedes.
Not much to report upon for the rest of the Top 10. Monsters v. Aliens clearly has the most money in the bank, Crank 2 has the least. Fast & Furious is furiously leaving the top 10, State of Play's just kidding around, and Hannah Montana? Well, what can be said? She's apparently a rock star, but soon she'll be singing the blues. Something like, "The I Shouldn't have taken Points Blues" or "I've got the Billy Ray's Sleeping on my Couch Blues." She wanted Viggo Mortensen to play her father, but he's too liberal, I guess. Plus, he's busy. Speaking of which, Vig, I'm worried about Cronenberg. When's his next pic coming out? You're going to be in it, right?

No comments: