Short Reviews - March 2009

But before we get started, didn't I just see Troy Beyer in a Fidelity commercial? Anybody know how to get a hold of her about this? And on top of that, I saw the most shocking thing a couple days ago: A Martinez in a soap opera. Yes, THE A Martinez. And not L.A. Law, even! No, apparently, it's One Life to Live. I missed the title at the gym. Well, it's a long way from Powwow Highway, but it's work. Apparently he's done quite a few. Shows you what I know. On to the reviews.

You're Welcome, America - Well, as the Onion said about W., somehow it doesn't skewer Dubya enough. I mean, it was nice and all that they showed a big photo of a penis that is supposed to be Dubya's. I guess that's still edgy. But you know you're in trouble when you're thinking of better jokes that they could have had, and should have had. Hence this month's graphic. In case it needs explaining, there was a recent list ranking Presidential greatness, and Dubya's moving up fast from last place to 36th. Right ahead of William Henry Harrison and James Garfield, as he probably should be. But what will this list look like in 5 years? 20? 100? A thousand, dare I ask? Well, if it were up to Karl Rove and like-minded folks, it might look like the instant case. Okay, fair enough, but what about FDR and JFK and even Bill Clinton? As the Rove type would explain, they're in the middle of the list because NO ONE looks at the middle of the Presidential Greats list! Just the top and the bottom. No, the great Democratic presidents deserve the middle of the list where they will hopefully be forgotten FOREVER! HAHAHAHAHAHA... Okay, enough fun.

Bart Got a Room - I dare say it's worth it just for William H. Macy's hairdo.

Be Kind, Please Rewind - That movie doesn't sound well. I think it should have some chicken soup.

Be Kind Rewind - Was I the only one who didn't like this movie? ...just checked. Good. My faith in humanity has been restored.

Human Nature - Too weird. Even for a hardcore Patricia Arquette fan like myself.

Weekend at Bernie's 2 - They skewered it on Seinfeld. On the other hand, it was written and directed by Robert Klane, who wrote the script for Where's Poppa directed by Carl Reiner, whose son Meathead produced Seinfeld! But where's Kevin Bacon while all of this incestuousness is going on?

Troll 2 - Didn't I do this one already? Oh, what the hell. Every bad film is unique in its own way. I don't know who a film like this is a bigger nightmare for: an assistant director, or a steadicam operator. From what little I could stand to watch, it looks like what happens when you end up having to film a 90 minute film in one house in ONE DAY. Running from room to room is about it if you're supposed to do an action film. And maybe it's just me, but the ending seemed like an afterthought...

Fanboys - I like the way this film thinks! In fact, let's ALL break into the Skywalker Ranch...

"Five Days" - Best new British comedy on HBO.

Two Lovers - After seeing Joaquin on Letterman, it's a MUST SEE!

Yonkers Joe - Title alone, it just can't be good...

Get Him to the Greek - A half of a sequel to Sarah Marshall? Can they do that?

The Three Stooges - Johnny Depp Benicio Del Toro as Moe and Sean Penn as Larry! I love it! Don't let that casting go to your heads, Farrellys. In other words, just cuz they're in this one doesn't mean they're going to do voices for Osmosis Jones 2.

The Sweetest Thing - A while ago, it was reported that Cameron Diaz was trying to buy back some naughty photos she did before her career took off. You know, what with all the work she does for Nickelodeon and the kids, and the popularity of Princess Fiona and all. Me myself, I'd be a little more worried about The Sweetest Thing.

Miss March - Oh, Hef. You've produced better garbage than this!

Ax Men - Can't you guys find some form of work a little more intellectually stimulating than cutting down trees?

Scream 4 - Oh yeah! And you thought it was over. No, it just took a decade off to find itself.

Knowing - Actually, some of those special effects look pretty good. They look different, anyway. A lot of these special FX pictures are getting a little too homogenized these days.

Rich in Love - Wayne Frobiness? Great name!

Thick as Thieves (2009) - Mimi's back, baby!

Quantum of Solace - Dang! They're promoting the DVD / Blu-Ray release (March 24) as though it's just coming out in theaters! So THAT's where the budget went!

The Haunting in Connecticut - Best anti-smoking ad I've seen yet.

Observe and Report - Say what you will about Paul Blart: Mall Cop. At least it was slightly ahead of the curve.

The Foot Fist Way - Makes Balls of Fury look like a comedy

Observe and Report - Boy, has Legendary Pictures fallen on hard times. They did Superman 5 and The Dark Knight. I hope they didn't spend 100 million on this!

"I Can't Believe I'm Still Single" - Have you SEEN Wirey Spindell?