Thursday, March 28, 2013

Tyler Perry's Easter Blues

In a word: disappointment.  Everything's a disappointment at the box office this weekend.  Receipts are down because everyone's out chasing hard boiled eggs right now, enjoying the sunshine, not giving a lick about going to some dark cinema and having their eardrums blasted by Dolby 5.1 Surround Sound and their eyes titillated by sex.
Certainly the stars of yesteryear are feeling the disappointment.  Steve Carell's Bruce Almighty 3 has slumped to #10 after three weeks, with only 20 million total to show for it.  Not even enough to cover the limos driven to the premiere!  Tina Fey's Admission has slip-slided to #8 after two weeks, with only 11.8 million total to show for it.  Seems people aren't ready for her to grow as an artist.  They're still suckling at the teat that was Liz Lemon.  30 Rock: The Motion Picture, they collectively cry!  Halle Berry's horror pic is doing better than Catwoman, sure, but her heyday days are certainly coming to a close.  Too late to do Monster's Ball 2, anyway.  The new movie of Stephenie Meyer, the brains behind the Twilight saga, debuted at #6.  Seems people aren't ready for her to grow as an artist.  People just can't relate to outer space aliens in such an intimate way yet.  Vampires and werewolves, sure!  That we know.  At least they're from here, not from outer space.
G.I. Joe: The Motion Picture Sequel is doing well at #1, sure, but the cloud of disappointment hangs heavy over it, pregnant with rain, because the Iraq war and the Afghanistan war are drawing to a close.  It would've been preferable to have these G.I. Joe movies anywhere from 10 to 5 years ago.  You know, to help the recruitment numbers of our various armed forces.  No, the only one with cause to rejoice somewhat is Tyler Perry's Olympus Has Fallen... I'm sorry, I mean Antoine Fuqua.  I confuse those two far too often, as regular readers of this blog know all too well.  But speaking of Tyler Perry, I'll leave aside the disappointment of not hitting #1 lately, and I will take my fellow critics to task, because for some reason everyone's complaining about Kim Kardashian.  Same thing happened to Woody when he cast Leonardo DiCaprio in... his 1998 project, whatever it was called.  And now it's Tyler Perry casting Kim Kardashian in his latest and greatest.  Everyone complained when they found out she was being cast in the movie in the first place, and now they're complaining when they see her in the movie.  Oh, right, the movie's called Tyler Perry's Temptation, by the way, in case you were wondering.  Here's my question to everyone who's complaining about this... what do you expect?  Did she not live up to your expectations?  Just stop and think about it for a second.  She's not appearing off Broadway in Ibsen!  She's not doing Shakespeare!  She's appearing in Tyler Perry's latest crappy movie, saying lines like "That's not make up.  More like make down."  This is all she can get!  As dictated by the Peter Principle, this is her level of incompetence.  I guess what I'm trying to say is, the fact that Kim Kardashian's crappy performance in Tyler Perry's latest crappy movie is being discussed at all, well... somehow, we're all the losers for it.  Incidentally, stay tuned for Tyler Perry's latest: A Very Madea Christmas due out this December, and his new TV show called... who cares?  It's on TV!  Watch it, you godless heathens!  Get right with the Lord, for God's sake!

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