Sunday, March 31, 2013
Short Reviews - March 2013
Primal Fear - I dunno. The whole thing's kinda preposterous. I mean, a priest interested in sexual intercourse between a man and a woman? Preposterous and post-posterous! Poppycock! Nonsense!
Inside Llewyn Davis - The Coens, after all their recent success, go back to their old travelling roadshow distribution ways. I hate to say it, but the trailer maybe gives away too much of the plot.
Outing Riley - Gee, I wonder if it's autobiographical?
The Fitzgerald Family Christmas - Gee, I wonder if it's autobiographical?
Jay and Silent Bob Get Old - This really should be titled "Jay and Silent Bob are still around?"
To Live and Die in L.A. - Another cop gets shot just before retirement
Se7en - Another cop stumbles upon a psychopath's master plot just before retirement
Falling Down - A cop has to stop a white guy's rampage before retirement
Lethal Weapon 3 - The black guy tries to retire ... and probably should have at that point
The Lonely Passion of Judith Hearne - Maybe I'm jumping to a hasty conclusion (and why on Earth would a blogger do that?), but this Jack Clayton guy sounds like who Graham Chapman was modeling after his "Eddie Baby" character. You know, starting off as a tea boy...
Suddenly - Frank Sinatra is the coolest hostage taker ever!
HouseSitter and CrissCross - What is it with Goldie Hawn and camel casing? Must be a 1992 thing...
Playing for Keeps - Farewell, Willy Switkes, whoever you were. If you're part of next year's "In Memoriam" segment at the Oscars, you made it.
Upside Down - Between this and Melancholia, Kirsten Dunst is getting typecast, I'm afraid! Time to hit the bottle again..............
Emperor of the North (Pole) - From director Robert Aldrich comes this butch, manly, super-testosterone charged tale of a mean guy who doesn't want hoboes on his train, and a hobo who wants to ride on the mean guy's train.
The Dirty Dozen - From director Robert Aldrich comes this butch, manly, super-testosterone charged tale of... are you kidding me? Who cares about the plot? It's the Dirty frickin' Dozen, for Christ's sake!
...All the Marbles - The movie that killed Robert Aldrich
King Ralph - Lemme tell you something about King Ralph... when John Goodman steps into that Burger King and orders a burger and fries, it's as if THE WHOLE WORLD is in that Burger King ordering a burger and fries. Oh, it's that good.
Cop Out - Features the Bret Michaels song, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," which I'm told is about his relationship with a woman who had a hysterectomy.
Dream House - Mr. Craig Builds His Nightmare House
Highlander: The Final Dimension - I'm pretty sure this movie doesn't do the Cocteau Twins' song "Bluebeard" justice. Even if it's over the end credits!
27 Dresses - I'm pretty sure this movie doesn't do the Cocteau Twins' song "Cherry Colored Funk" justice. Even if it's over the end credits! It's probably part of a montage of someone trying on clothes. I'm assuming it takes the whole movie to get to all 27 of the 27 dresses.
Network - With all due respect to Paddy Chayefsky, I have to disagree with a teentsy weentsy part of the movie's dialogue. I mean, the people I hang out with aren't that articulate to begin with, but we'll leave that aside for now. No, the character of Joel Schumacher... I mean, Max, complains to his wife that the woman he's currently sleeping with... we'll leave that aside for now as well... that all Faye Dunaway knows about life is what she learned from Bugs Bunny. And to me, as a staunch fan of Warner Brothers cartoons, them's fightin' words, as Yosemite Sam might say. Take The Wild Hare, for example, for Exhibit A, if you will. I submit to you, sir, that Bugs Bunny is as good a teacher about life as your Oprahs, your Og Mandingos, your Tony Robbinses, what have you. In fact, I'd say that Bugs Bunny and Adam Sandler are the only two cinema-based life coaches a person really needs. Adam Sandler teaches us that this life is short, brutish and mostly juvenile, and that everyone has their O'Doyle out there, your alter ego just itching for a fight. For Bugs, Elmer Fudd is his O'Doyle. And what does Bugs teach us? He beats Elmer with wits and brains, and a gymnastics physique doesn't hurt, either. And you take that Elmer that wants to shoot you with his shotgun and you POUND THE CRAP out of his will to fight, and you pound and pound and pound. Even if he just wants to take a picture of you! The nerve of that guy!! The very idea! Fighting back, that's the lesson. You take that nerdy Elmer, trapped in his narrow world with his narrow ideas, and you punch and pound the crap out of that worldview of his until... the coup de grace. You let him think he's won. You let Elmer take that shot he's wanted to take. Elmer will miss, of course, but you fake death anyway. That's another lesson right there. Perhaps David Mamet is best: you never open your mouth until you know what the shot is... something like that. Just make sure Elmer won't actually hurt you when he pulls that trigger. So, Elmer takes the shot, and you fake your own death! And then, when Elmer is crying like a baby, wracked with guilt and remorse, sobbing against the tree, you get up, lift his coat, and tilt his ass just right... then give it a good swift kick! Psychological torture! Indeed, is this not what life is all about, Mr. Chayefsky? Conquering your enemies, then blowing their minds?