Friday, August 09, 2013

Battle of the Debuts

Clear History!  Clear History!!... oh, right.  It's on HBO.  And even though it looks like the latest episode of Curb, I don't care!!  But we gotta look at the box office, 'cuz that's what we do here.  Once again, the fanboys have got money to burn, as opposed to the decent families with young children that need entertaining.  Why, look at what made the most money this weekend!  The R-rated Elysium and the R-rated We're the Millers!!  Meanwhile, Pixar's fortunes are clearly in the crapper with their latest, a sequel to Cars about airplanes called Planes.  The critics are totally down on it, and it only came in third!  Guess Disney will have to run the ads calling it the #1 animated movie in America.  After The Lone Ranger fiasco, I think they better do it.  But I think I know what went wrong with Planes.  Take a look at the cast: Dane Cook as the young hero we're all supposed to relate to?  Seriously?  He's 41 years old, for God's sake!  Also, he somehow doesn't have that everyman quality that Owen Wilson has, despite working for Wes Anderson so much.  But the busy bees over at Pixar are too busy to worry about poor box office performance.  Their next project?  Planes 2 and the triumphant return of Dane Cook as Dusty Crophopper.  Also, stick around for the ending credits where Tom Hanks says to Tim Allen "YOU..ARE... A.... PLANE!!!!!!"  Worth the price of admission right there.  Look for Zac Efron in Pixar's upcoming Boats, playing Hank Buoyfloater, the young tugboat trying to seduce Lucy Yachtington, the snooty but curvaceous luxury yacht that he falls for one day.  Oh, why oh why isn't the ocean big enough?
What else?  Another sequel: Percy Jackson 2.  Yawn.  And so, that's it for the debuts this week.  How come nothing ever happens in August?

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