Friday, December 27, 2013

Short reviews - December 2013

Raging Bull - ...just in case you missed the comparison, the film helps you out.

Okay, I've got a good gimmick to end the year on!  There's a theme to it, but I forget what it is.  Alas, it's a hastily put together list with huge gaps, so perhaps some smart person out there can fill in those gaps later on down the road.  Also alas, I've included ordinal numbers like a common tramp, so perhaps better minds in the future will come up with a cleaner, more pure list that excludes those.  Injoy!

The Power of One - Even though it's about boxing and it's directed by the guy who directed Rocky (1) ... IT'S NOT ROCKY!!!!!!

Two Much - Indeed

Three of Hearts - Ah, if cinema in the '90s will be remembered for one thing, it's their great treatment of lesbians.

Four Christmases - Historians, film or otherwise, will look back on Vince Vaughn and say "Oh, it was so nice that Hollywood made the homeless into movie stars.  Not all of them took to the lifestyle, of course, but this Vinnie Vincent enjoyed it quite a bit!"

The Five-Year Engagement - Jason Segel continues his quiet, passive-agressive march into our hearts.

The Sixth Sense - Has M. Night's terrible terrible body of work dragged this one down yet?

Seven - If there's a movie more gruesome, I just don't wanna know about it.  Take this one, for example.  Is there a way I can un-watch it, by any chance?

Eight Days a Week - Love that Beatles song

Nine - How Bill Condon didn't get involved in this, I'll never understand.

The Ten Commandments - The non-Lionel Chetwynd one

The Eleventh Hour - Either that or Ocean's Eleven, I just couldn't decide.

12 Monkeys - Worst Christmas gift ever!

Friday the 13th - Well, it was either that or Thirteen Ghosts... I mean, Thir13en Ghosts... damn!  Just gave my password away!

Saturday the 14th - Well, if you're going to have Friday the 13th on the list...

Fifteen and Pregnant - ...NOT a new MTV show?

Sixteen Candles - Hey!  Got John Hughes on the list!  I mean, Edmond Dantes.

17 Again - Another one of those body switching-type movies.  Here's my problem with it, however... Matthew Perry did not look like Zac Efron as a youth.  He so did not!

18 Again! - Oh, the things that languish in obscurity.  What?  People don't like George Burns all of a sudden?  Is he just reprising Oh, God! over and over again?  Is that what you're telling me?

Vehicle 19 - ...nope, better not badmouth this one.  Not for a while, anyway.

Twenty Bucks - Ah, the old days when money alone could drive a whole movie.  Nowadays there has to be someone in a movie who has money.  Take Batman, for example.

21 - Or I could've gone with 21 Grams.  Why did I pick something with Kate Bosworth anyway?  She won't be my Facebook friend!  Wotta bitch.

Catch-22 - Alas, it's probably the only movie Joseph Heller will be remembered for.

The Number 23 (Jim Carrey) - ...that's right.  For some reason, I had to remind myself that Jim Carrey's in it.  Alas, the collaborations of Carrey and Joel Schumacher aren't up there with, say, Carrey and Shadyac or Depp and Burton or Donner and Gibson.

24 Hour Party People - Sigh.  Steve Coogan's an old fogey now doing stuff like Philomena.  Was it so long ago?

(The) 25th Hour - I can never remember if there's a "the" in the title or not!

27 Dresses - Gimme 27 dresses, gimme 27 dresses babe, and you'll never see Heigl no more.  Seriously, though, no one's made a movie about the Atari 2600 yet?

28 Days, 28 Days Later... - Similar themes, actually, except that Sandra Bullock starts out as a zombie and slowly becomes human.

29th Street - For those of you out there who thought that It's a Wonderful Life just wasn't Italian enough.

Zero Dark Thirty - I KNEW that title would come in handy someday!

31 North 62 East - I REALLY have to do all these?

Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult

Miracle on 34th St. - Sheesh.  Some of John Hughes' least good works.  No wonder he changed his name to Edmond Dantes.

36 Hours - Here's my problem... only 36?

To Gillian on her 37th Birthday - Kinda puts Meg Ryan's crying about turning 40 in When Harry Met Sally into perspective, for one.  I tell ya, Lord, people sure hate getting old!  Intelligent design, my ass.

The 39 Steps - Here's my problem... only 39?

The 40 Year Old Virgin - Because not being a virgin is all too commonplace these days.

Summer of '42 - It's basically a porno, but with classy historical context.  A bit of a stretch, you say?  The same writer also worked on a porno called Can Heironymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness?  I rest my case.

Movie 43 - And people wonder why sketch movies aren't made anymore.

Ms. 45 - Well, it's no Bad Lieutenant, that's for sure.

Code 46 - What happened to Tim Robbins, anyway?  Didn't he used to mean something?

47 Ronin - As with any list put out by Time or Newsweek, there always has to be a latest and greatest, hot off the presses entry, and this is definitely it.

Another 48 Hrs. - Not too late to make a trilogy out of it!

Ladder 49 - Well, something had to be number 49!  Why not a Backdraft remake?

50 First Dates - No list of film would be complete without Adam Sandler, would it?

Formula 51 - It's not even about NASCAR!  Wotta ripoff.

52 Pick-Up - No cards in it!  Wotta ripoff.

54 - Studio 54, where are you?

55 Days at Peking - I don't think anyone's ever seen this one, either!

56 Up - I wonder how high up the series will go?

Passenger 57 - Still betting on black after 20 years!

Gone in 60 Seconds - Actually, the original and the remake are about equally as good, no?

61* - Billy Crystal decided to end his directing career on a high note.

Transylvania 6-5000 - Too much of a stretch?  I thought so.

Buffalo '66 - Narcissism, thy name is Vincent Gallo.  Better go with Sixty Six instead.

The Fighting 69th - Boy!  I never knew World War I was so filthy.

The Spirit of '76 - I'm a disco dancer, baby, but I think that something's wrong...

"77 Sunset Strip" - ...damn, it's a TV series.  Better go with Airport '77, the cinema equivalent of a TV series.

Around the World in 80 Days - The original, not the one affiliated with Adam Sandler.

Where the Boys Are '84 - See what I mean?  Perhaps this list isn't a good idea after all.

This is England '86 - Meh

88 Minutes - Hoo-hah!

96 Minutes - It's practically a sketch movie!

99 and 44/100% Dead - Great title, but apparently it's another bad movie from John Frankenheimer.  He must've been great to get along with as a human being, because his classic to dreck ratio's kinda low!

100 Girls - A delightful take on that old Cinderella story.  Here's my usual problem with these kinds of things... only 100 girls?  Why put such gay limits on things?
Ben Blue's Brothers - I'm confused...

100 Women - Saw this at the pawn shop.  I think 100 Girls and 100 Women should face off in the Thunderdome... you know, two bad movies enter, one bad movie leave.  Who's with me?

Alligator - ...Pentangeli?

Presumed Innocent - Ain't it always the way?  Your wife will only have sex with you after she kills your ex-lover!  Sheesh...

Frank McCluskey, C.I. - Franklyn got better?  I don't think so.

I Love You, I Love You Not - Jude Law and Claire Danes play two roles in this film: as young would-be lovers in the present, and on opposite sides of the fence during the Holocaust, so to speak.  This conceit sounds almost as tasteless as my last sentence!

That Awkward Moment - A slightly less spectacular next movie that hopefully's a better paycheck.

"True Detective" - Woody Harrelson, P. I. P. I. (politically incorrect private investigator) in miniseries form!

The Unbearable Lightness of Being - Why can't I live like that?

The Naked Gun - Now we're talking!  If only they had a poll for Jack.

Blue Velvet - Why film in Wilmington, North Carolina if Dino De Laurentiis isn't producing?  Why?

The Memory of a Killer - ROOFTHOOFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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